I feel more like I was already pushed off the edge and am rotting on the other side. I have mental and physical Disabilities whose progression went into hyperdrive when I turned 30 and no longer had youth to compensate. Now I'm 35 and completely rotted. But I've made peace with the fact that it's the end. The end comes for every living thing in the Universe and I'm not special, and so many living things got to spend less time on Earth then I've been given.
At this point - any day could be the day I do it, and I'm planning on doing it this year. I have a rope with the slipknot already tied right next to my desk. And I understand the feeling you've described - every day it's the first thing I think about when I wake up, because ANY day could be the day I decide to do it. I visualize myself doing it multiple times a day. And it is anxiety inducing because the process of taking those scary steps into the unknown void of death is anxiety inducing to EVERYONE no matter how ready they are. That anxiety is baked into our psyche on every level.
hanging makes me piss myself and feels uncomfortable, I just don't know what the fuck to do
FWIW - In a proper hanging, that uncomfortable feeling will only last 15 seconds, 30 at most before you pass out. You're putting the ligature above the Adam's Apple, right? I'd also try tying socks or rags in the front of the noose. ME PERSONALLY in my own little opinion - I think full suspension hanging is an easier way to go in both painlessness and reliability than SN.
Whatever you choose - just make sure you read everything you can get your hands on about it. Using Yandex instead of Google of course