My suicide will demolish my mother, whom I love, and who has been unbelievably supportive of me --far, far above and beyond the call of maternal duty-- emotionally, morally, financially. Anticipating her pain has certainly held me back in the past, and I suspect has contributed significantly to my recent failures and subsequent dragging of feet for my next attempt. She knows I've tried to ctb recently, I've spoken to her openly about my intentions to ctb, and I know she understands the pain I'm in --and to her credit she has not tried to call in the authorities on me-- but that won't lessen her loss. Her relationship with my sister is deeply troubled, so I'm the kid she always reaches out to, shares her artistic feelings with, relates to on a genuinely deep level. Yes, I will feel very, very bad for her.
My father is a narcissistic ass; in his mind I exist only as his avatar. He and I email daily, but he lives in Italy, I live in the US, and that's quite close enough for that close relative, thank you very much. I refuse to be in the same room with him. I couldn't care less how he feels about my death. In some ways, I hope there's an afterlife from which I can view how he reacts to the death of his avatar. That might be quite interesting. No, I won't feel bad for him in the slightest.
It is deeply against the societally-perceived "natural order" for a parent to outlive their child. It will be devastating for them. But to continue living is more than I can do.
