Anyone else can't stop self-sabotaging?

[Whistea]

I wonder, does anyone else here feel like they can't stop fucking themselves over again and again?
On Friday I had a job interview. Impressed the boss so much, he gave me the job on the spot, I could start this Monday. The day came, I put on my best clothes, told my mom I'm off to my new job, but instead of actually showing up to the place, I said "Fuck it", went to the city, went on a stroll, chilled around a bit, bought a bottle of alcohol and went home. They keep calling me, but I don't answer. This is not the first time it happened, I do that shit constantly. People invite me to a job interview, I just ghost them. People invite me to hang out with them, I just ghost them. Most of the time with the explanation, "Why should I bother, I'm gonna be dead soon anyway." or "It's not gonna help me anyway" and while I am convinced I am beyond saving at this point and there is most definitely truth to it, surely it wouldn't hurt to take a chance and impart some change into my life. But I just can't bring myself to do it, I gave up on everything at this point.
Fuck man, I'm tired of this shit.
I built this massive, massive wall around me and threw away the key; so now even if I would want to let people in or climb out of it myself, I can not do it.

 

[Praestat_Mori]

"Why should I bother, I'm gonna be dead soon anyway."

I think this is the actual problem you have. I can relate to it myself bc after a big failure in life a few years ago and after all hopes for a personal recovery are gone since many months, I "switched off" completely. I can CTB at any time, plan is ready, method is ready. I'm sure our personal situations are completely different but the result is the same, we're done with life and we have no hope things can become better for us.

It's really difficult to break out of such a cycle, I don't know how this could work.

 

[HollowDrop]

This same "I will be dead anyway" mindset is why I do things like drink way too much every weekend. That money won't miss me when I'm gone and neither will my alcohol abused body. It becomes a problem once I start having issues paying my rent and not buying myself proper food. As long as my cat has all the food, treats and other things she needs to be healthy I don't care about taking care of myself.

 

[peachchildtenshi]

By this point my self sabotaging has became a part of my life and to the point where it is now automatic.
and of course it has affected my life greatly from academics, jobs, social life.
the consequences of my actions, well i deserved it anyway

 

[worsethananightmare]

i self sabotaged my whole life, making worst decisions and running from everything that wasn't pleasant escapism.
i wasted hundreds of thousands on mental health and physical health and never improved one bit, now im in constant agony until its over.
i also gave away a fortune for no reason than me being insane and suicidal to strangers on the internet a few years ago.

 

[atuarellaveres]

I wonder, does anyone else here feel like they can't stop fucking themselves over again and again?
On Friday I had a job interview. Impressed the boss so much, he gave me the job on the spot, I could start this Monday. The day came, I put on my best clothes, told my mom I'm off to my new job, but instead of actually showing up to the place, I said "Fuck it", went to the city, went on a stroll, chilled around a bit, bought a bottle of alcohol and went home. They keep calling me, but I don't answer. This is not the first time it happened, I do that shit constantly. People invite me to a job interview, I just ghost them. People invite me to hang out with them, I just ghost them. Most of the time with the explanation, "Why should I bother, I'm gonna be dead soon anyway." or "It's not gonna help me anyway" and while I am convinced I am beyond saving at this point and there is most definitely truth to it, surely it wouldn't hurt to take a chance and impart some change into my life. But I just can't bring myself to do it, I gave up on everything at this point.
Fuck man, I'm tired of this shit.
I built this massive, massive wall around me and threw away the key; so now even if I would want to let people in or climb out of it myself, I can not do it.

I just want to «switch off». Emotions whack the shit out of me. I've come to binge drinking cause it's the only thing that helps. It's fucking disgusting.

 

[godsseepiestsoldier]

youre definitely not alone. Ive self sabotaged everything my entire life which is a shame considering I was born academically gifted and not only chose to waste it but actively hindered myself. I wont just not revise for major exams (GCSES Alevels etc) but will actively get bored and start to waste half of my time in the exam or not fully concentrate which is a shame considering I still usually get an A or a B. I feel like such talents are wasted on someone who does less than the bare minimum and actively tries to fail. Same with all my friendships I have a really bad tendency to randomly tank friendships in quite horrific ways or just relationships in general. I dont even have a reasoning or thought process to it. its more like a subconscious overwhelming urge to just tank and actively destroy anything good I have.

 

[Csmith8827]

I wonder, does anyone else here feel like they can't stop fucking themselves over again and again?
On Friday I had a job interview. Impressed the boss so much, he gave me the job on the spot, I could start this Monday. The day came, I put on my best clothes, told my mom I'm off to my new job, but instead of actually showing up to the place, I said "Fuck it", went to the city, went on a stroll, chilled around a bit, bought a bottle of alcohol and went home. They keep calling me, but I don't answer. This is not the first time it happened, I do that shit constantly. People invite me to a job interview, I just ghost them. People invite me to hang out with them, I just ghost them. Most of the time with the explanation, "Why should I bother, I'm gonna be dead soon anyway." or "It's not gonna help me anyway" and while I am convinced I am beyond saving at this point and there is most definitely truth to it, surely it wouldn't hurt to take a chance and impart some change into my life. But I just can't bring myself to do it, I gave up on everything at this point.
Fuck man, I'm tired of this shit.
I built this massive, massive wall around me and threw away the key; so now even if I would want to let people in or climb out of it myself, I can not do it.

I suggest you and everyone else who posted in this thread snap out of it. I was notorious for this type of behavior when I was young and now it's as if I've burned wayyyy to many bridges to make another one. I'm unemployed and it's not a good place to be in, trust me. Stop burning bridges because 9/10 chances are you're going to need them in the future. I'd just hate for someone to dig a hole like I have and be trapped in it. It's seriously jacked up and I don't wish it on anyone.