Anyone else can't believe they're gonna be THAT person to commit suicide?

[Zotz101]

Yeah, I guess so.

I know two people who have committed suicide. Both were parents. I find that highly irresponsible. They became "those people." Public perception of them changed dramatically. People had talked down on them. Yet, people also felt sorry for them. It is a double-edged sword but to be frank having every card out on the table forever and being unable to influence your own legacy post-mortem worries me.

Yet, I kind of always knew I was going to kill myself? Despite the plethora of resources I have, I realised I will never be content with it. I am a closeted transgender and I wholeheartedly believe that this unresolved conflict - I mean, I literally told people and then backed out of it because I was a pussy - means that I will never find contentment. Either, I come out and face mass discrimination and find no person to love. Or, I stay closeted and pretend to be a woman when I wish desperately I wasn't. Only terrible options.

I can't even imagine how people would feel if I did it. I don't think I seem like the type of person to do such a thing. My family would be so shocked. In a way, I'm almost bitter that they have no clue I have been suicidal for the last five years. They should have known. Or known me well enough to realise. I don't know. It's all a hot mess.

I kind of had the same issue that you have had. I think I've accepted that only once I kill myself will my true self be exposed to the world. So, I've reconciled it in that way. Killing myself is my once chance for people to truly understand me because I am simply unable to voice my true self. Also, I realised, only ten people give a shit about me while I care about 30. So, I'll be the gossip of the town for a week and then I'll be demoted from "the girl who killed herself" to being consigned into oblivion, never to be thought of again except by family.

 

[Dot]

Nvr wntd2. Alwys wntd th futr tht evry1 else smd 2 hve bt @ sme tme nvr flt tht lfe wld wrk out 4 slf.

Stll nt wn2 ctb b am lft w/ n/ othr chce bc livng = impssble. Am devast8d 2 b in sch a postn.

 

[avoid_slow_death]

Like I have said before in the forum, my first actual attempt was at 11, so, to me, I always felt that I would very likely take my own life at some point. Not for lack of trying either. Have had several attempts in my lifetime. Pretty sure the next one will definitely do the trick.

 

[Someoneone]

Thought of ctb 6 - 7 years ago due to unbearable work stress but things became positive and no longer thought of that till this year. My life turned up side down since late 2020, and it seems I have no way out anymore.

My family and friends have no clue at all that I am now suicidal, and they must be really shocked and heart broken when I finally leave this world.

 

[Rayzieka]

Before I was fully aware of my mental condition that's ruining my life I still figured I would be the one to take myself out.
I was always concerned with my step-dad ending my life, since he said he would if my mom upset him. So I had always thought I ought to kill myself before he can kill me. But now it's mainly the mental condition.

 

[BeautifulMosaics]

Before I was fully aware of my mental condition that's ruining my life I still figured I would be the one to take myself out.
I was always concerned with my step-dad ending my life, since he said he would if my mom upset him. So I had always thought I ought to kill myself before he can kill me. But now it's mainly the mental condition.

I am so sorry you had to deal with that abuse. No one should have to tolerate that - you absolutely deserved better.

 

[layne2001]

Exact opposite for me. I've always known it would end like this since i was a child. But yes it feels surreal and hysterical to know I'm currently living my last days

 

[Centende]

my older brother did so I think its actually expected of me at this point since we were raised the same way

 

[fatefulstillness]

The thought has always been hiding somewhere in my mind, so it's no surprise. At some point, though, I did hope it wouldn't have to end that way. Now I find comfort in knowing that I can, and I will.

 

[greyautumnsky]

No. First time I attempted I was 10 years old. I'm shocked I'm still here. With each attempt I've learned something. And there was an attempt on my life by someone else. Main things I've learned are the human body will go through great lengths to keep itself alive, you can survive a lot, and medical staff with do a lot to save you.

But I've learned a lot in my short time here. My last attempt will be my final attempt. I will be successful.

 

[eternalmelancholy]

I've always known it would end like this since i was a child. But yes it feels surreal and hysterical to know I'm currently living my last days

Same here. It took ten years to finally work out a method and location. It feels so surreal. I have been on auto-pilot for about a month now. I feel like a spectator of my own life. SI is barely registering now. I think the time is now.

 

[layne2001]

Same here. It took ten years to finally work out a method and location. It feels so surreal. I have been on auto-pilot for about a month now. I feel like a spectator of my own life. SI is barely registering now. I think the time is now.

It's such a weird feeling isnt it. I know its seriously going to happen in the next few weeks now that I got my SN. And yes nothing "registers" in my head anymore. I'm just waiting for my time and thats all I can feel and think about. Wishing u good luck.

 

[demuic]

When I was very young I never thought about the future. I knew I would never be able to live life like a "normal" person. I never liked the world or dealing with people. I was always too weird and everyone could tell. I never thought I would live past 18. I never wanted to live a long life. I did not know how it would happen, but dying "young" seemed to be my fate for as long as I have considered such things.

 

[Wayfaerer]

Yeah, I thought since my early 20's that it was only a matter of time til I suicided but I was thinking in my 50's or 60's not at 29 or 30 which would end up being the case. I'll be the only suicide in the family as far as I know. Of course, it just had to be ME. I had been shat on by life so many times but shit doesn't rain from the sky anywhere else in the family for some reason. I've had it the worst out of all my siblings and cousins.

 

[Merseymike]

I just don't know. Being in the same situation for the fourth time - partner walked out - I had decided Monday was the day, before Christmas. But I didn't do it and now I wonder why. I want him to come back and he has done before - but this time I just don't know. Can't feel a lot of hope. And the idea of starting again and "moving on" just isn't what I want.