Anyone else can't believe they're gonna be THAT person to commit suicide?

[BeautifulMosaics]

And I don't mean that you're looking down on that type of person, but more that I saw suicide as something that happened to other people. Other people did those bold and decisive sort of things - not me. It's like "only other people win the lottery/ become famous/ end up in terrorist attacks" - it's surreal that something like that would effect you.

I've always been a depressed type of person. Ironically, I remember being 10 and thinking "I'm gonna be the type of person to commit suicide. I'm not up for life" but I never actually thought I would be that person. I thought I'd find a way, however I didn't think about the practicalities or plan for the future or anything.

I've always been a good girl and a rule follower and committing suicide is like breaking the rules, especially if you come from certain backgrounds and cultures. One other person has committed suicide in my family but they are a second cousin. I believe my immediate family would never believe I would do something like this despite being a practical shut-in who hasn't made any progress in life since the age of 16.

What about you guys?

 

[Darkover]

growing up i was thought i'd never kill myself, then life happened

 

[hopelessgirl]

Yeah I never thought I would.... Never hoped or believed I would ever understand.

 

[StarryStarry]

And I don't mean that you're looking down on that type of person, but more that I saw suicide as something that happened to other people. Other people did those bold and decisive sort of things - not me. It's like "only other people win the lottery/ become famous/ end up in terrorist attacks" - it's surreal that something like that would effect you.

I've always been a depressed type of person. Ironically, I remember being 10 and thinking "I'm gonna be the type of person to commit suicide. I'm not up for life" but I never actually thought I would be that person. I thought I'd find a way, however I didn't think about the practicalities or plan for the future or anything.

I've always been a good girl and a rule follower and committing suicide is like breaking the rules, especially if you come from certain backgrounds and cultures. One other person has committed suicide in my family but they are a second cousin. I believe my immediate family would never believe I would do something like this despite being a practical shut-in who hasn't made any progress in life since the age of 16.

What about you guys?

I would have never in a million years thought my life would have turned out the way it has. But looking back, I think I was doomed from infancy - sounds dumb I know but my mother was a bitch and my father was never home because he hated the bitch. And my sister was perfect. I was the mistake - the one they didn't want.

 

[Elri]

I always knew i will die with my own hands thanks to genetic background and not wanting to get old but i was thinking around 30 not fucking 19, you can lose yourself overnight and never know

 

[Suicidebydeath]

It's the opposite for me, not sure why I'm still here. This place does seem to be full of nice people, it's very sad. If only we could make our own country on some island.

 

[Umeboahi]

Yes

 

[StarryStarry]

It's the opposite for me, not sure why I'm still here. This place does seem to be full of nice people, it's very sad. If only we could make our own country on some island.

I'm with you on that 100%. Outside of this site, all I've found are assholes and ignorant assholes. Thank you all for being here, understanding me, and not judging me.

 

[Fadeawaaaay]

Yes, I have thought this very thing myself. My Uncle committed suicide but His life was dark Throughout.
Suicide was definitely some thing that happened to other people.
Something that was not even possible.
Like being the victim of a murder. Like being a serial killer. Or like you said, winning the lottery.
We have a conception of what boundaries our life will operate within And suicide was definitely outside that boundary for me.
I would wonder, what state of mind would you have to inhabit to even consider it?
I was depressed off and on throughout my life but far from suicidal.
Must be the same when somebody is told by their doctor they have terminal cancer. We all believe it's something that happens to other people until it happens to us.
But I'm still clinging to my old identity. I feel like I'm gonna take a nap for a few minutes I'll wake up and this will all be over. I'll go back to being who I was. Who I was meant to be. I still have not accepted this is reality.
Although I am depressive, I always had a positive outlook - I always believed, somehow things would work out- That I was lucky, I had some guardian angel looking after me.
Turns out that's called magical thinking. Believing that we are somehow immune, That the rules do not apply to us. We are not immune from anything.

 

[Manaaja]

I had that feeling for years, but then it disappeared. I still can't fully believe my relative committed suicide even though it's been ages. I just can't believe that a relative of mine could commit suicide, even though that's what happened. I've always felt that suicides are ultra rare so it was odd that it would happen, and might soon happen again.

 

[StarryStarry]

Yes, I have thought this very thing myself. My Uncle committed suicide but His life was dark Throughout.
Suicide was definitely some thing that happened to other people.
Something that was not even possible.
Like being the victim of a murder. Like being a serial killer. Or like you said, winning the lottery.
We have a conception of what boundaries our life will operate within And suicide was definitely outside that boundary for me.
I would wonder, what state of mind would you have to inhabit to even consider it?
I was depressed off and on throughout my life but far from suicidal.
Must be the same when somebody is told by their doctor they have terminal cancer. We all believe it's something that happens to other people until it happens to us.
But I'm still clinging to my old identity. I feel like I'm gonna take a nap for a few minutes I'll wake up and this will all be over. I'll go back to being who I was. Who I was meant to be. I still have not accepted this is reality.
Although I am depressive, I always had a positive outlook - I always believed, somehow things would work out- That I was lucky, I had some guardian angel looking after me.
Turns out that's called magical thinking. Believing that we are somehow immune, That the rules do not apply to us. We are not immune from anything.

I agree. We are not immune from anything.

 

[Fadeawaaaay]

I agree. We are not immune from anything.

Feels like climbing up the side of a steep mountain and you suddenly lose your grip and you're falling… And you're reaching at your hands flailing - hoping you can grab onto something to stop you – – a tree, or a rock, anything… But it's a sheer rock face and there's nothing that can save you…

 

[FuneralCry]

I have always known I will die by suicide, I have been suicidal since I was very young. I am not meant for this life and even at a young age I found death to be comforting. Suicide is the only thing that feels right for me, I belong in the nothingness. I have never wanted to be alive. I should have never been born in the first place.

 

[orange]

Tbh even during periods of relative wellness I always thought I would kill myself, just later in life to avoid old age.

 

[Aeathelina]

I always felt that it will be either me or my sister that will the first to kill themselves in this generation of my family. me personally, I have thoughts of suicide since I could remember. Just too scared to see what's on the other side

 

[thefoodispoison]

Ever since I was a preteen I've figured I would die by suicide before I turned 35. I'm turning 35 next year.

 

[needingpeace24]

Never. Even during hard times over the years I was always able to stay positive without effort. Things change and a part of me died.

Honestly, I've had strange thoughts that I already literally died and what I'm experiencing now is like the movie Jacob's Ladder. I know that's just my mental health declining, but it somehow makes more sense to me than everything that has happened.

 

[PeacefulTonic]

Yeah never thought I'd be that person. That's what shitty life decisions and a complete 180 does

 

[Snake of Eden]

Although i was suicidal since 16 when I was struck by ugly skin disease which is rare too, i wanted to suicide, hell I even wanted to but realistically never imagined i would do it. I still cant believe i would do it. Suicide is extremely rate in my culture. It is sad reality

 

[Lost Magic]

While I have always had suicidal thoughts at the back of my mind, I never thought that one day I would go through with it. I am pushing closer to 40 now and (I feel) that going before I hit that milestone would work for me. I have no idea how I made it this long anyway and I know that life is not going to improve all that much for me. So going forward I am laying out plans to get the hell out of this world before I drive myself even more crazy.

 

[Midgardsorm]

I thought of suicide at very very early age. It's strange because I don't actually remember what made me think of that back then.
I remember saying the word "Suicide" to my father at the age of 6 or something.

Now there's a lot that pushes me towards suicide. All that I need is the chance to leave and be free.

 

[Snake of Eden]

Now there's a lot that pushes me towards suicide. All

Like what?

 

[Midgardsorm]

Like what?

Breathlessness, Loneliness, Old age, Depression, OCD, Chronic Migraine, Wrong College Degree...

Just to name a few ^^

 

[LucieInTheDark]

Not really, I know that I'll die from suicide, either sooner or later.
I wish euthanasia was more of a thing, I don't want to suffer old age

 

[Eternal Oblivion]

My life had potential but I was unable to achieve anything. Was never that good but I had full health so I didn't care. It's easy living with full health... So never thought of suicide before being stroke down by desiese.

 

[willitpass]

i've had this nagging feeling in the back of my mind since the age of 11 or 12 that someday, i don't know when, but someday, suicide will be what takes me out

 

[BeautifulMosaics]

My life had potential but I was unable to achieve anything.

Same. I am riddled with what I can only describe as ADD/Autism traits and apathy. The way my brain works..

i've had this nagging feeling in the back of my mind since the age of 11 or 12 that someday, i don't know when, but someday, suicide will be what takes me out

Same

 

[fox_wannabe]

Spoiler: About my life and suicide

I never thought about it, I had some very rough times with no end in sight. Like going to school and being bullied for years. Or being alone and laughed at, or being alone for years. But I never thought about this.

I never thought about my life as a thing that could be ended. Or actually as something mine. It, as well as any results of my labor were belonging to my parents, for them to judge. Am I doing good, bad, do I have friends or am I alone? Do I perform good or am I lazy? Will I get to college or not? This gave me some sort of direction and predictability in life. It still does a bit. But I later became even more self aware than I am now. I became more reflective and thinking. Later I discovered I do not have any purpose. Than I discovered that my whole life is some sort of script. That I repeat patterns from the past, and nothing good awaits me in the future. It seam like it from now at least. The moment I first realized that I immediately came into conclusion of what I must do. In this year I begun to look for ways to ctb in most painless and fast way. My stressful job made me realize how shitty life can be. Same with lockdowns.

Than later while browsing sites relating to ctb i found SS and stayed here. I tried to ctb by partial but SI kicked in, few times, about 8 times to be exact. Than I prepared everything for idle gas, as well as SN, but I never drank nor inhaled the gas. Both methods scare me, of failure and panic and calling ambulance - respectively. I stopped and things got better for me. Even tho I still see world around me going to shit. I just think that many things can happen that could render my life not worthy of living. War, supply chain failure and famine, being drafted to army (might be interesting, but most likely hell for sensitive people triggered by viloence who need to be on stabilizing meds 24/7), living in dystopian state. You see what I mean. Even If I think my life now is ok, I still look for trees that have branches that could support my weight.

So- No, for me there is nothing bad about taking my life. It is for me something logical, even NORMAL I am so used to it. Because survival by all means is not for me. Suicide is just something that I can just do when time is right and when I overcome all the fears and SI, as well as guilt of leaving parents and grandparents(tho it is unfair I have to see them die, and vice versa is somewhat of tragedy).

 

[HiImPaul]

Nope. I'd see it on tv or in games and be like "wtf why would anyone every do that. They can just do X Y Z to fix their problems so ez". But now that I'm here I can definitely see why people do. It's the same way with drug, I use to always wonder why people would get addicted or become alcoholics. It's easy to understand now, life and mental illness is a bitch.

 

[wait-for-the-bus]

It will be a shock to everyone. There is noone in my family or extended family that has ever killed themselves.

I am sure, I will also be the last person anyone would have thought would commit suicide.

But I will - I can see the bus in the distance coming closer every day. I expect to be getting on it, when it arrives.