Anyone else annoyed they can't CTB because their mom is still alive?

[madiroze]

I'll be honest, it kinda pisses me off that I can't end my suffering because it will cause my mom so much suffering. She is in her 70s and she could likely live another 20 years so that means I will have to stick around for that long.

I am so ready to end it. I don't feel anything anymore, and my decision is a practical one. I haven't wanted to stick around since my late teens and now I'm nearly 40 and it never gets any better.

Most of the time I fantasize about booking into a nice hotel, having a nice meal in my room and then taking N. I am so prepared for this method, I've done all my research and thanks to this website, I've found a trusted supplier. But what is stopping me is knowing my mother will not survive my death and I love her so much. She is literally the only person I have any feeling for, and she has been there for me throughout my struggle with serious Depression for nearly 25 years.

How can I do that to her? She doesn't deserve it. Instead, I will wait it out, painfully. Like I've waited out the end of my life for the past 20 or so years.

I am in so much physical pain and yet my health is perfect. It's the physical pain of being alive.

 

[sad_gurl_thoughts]

I understand where you're coming from. As much pain as I'm in, I don't want to hurt my parents by killing myself. I try not to think about it. I feel terrible even when my parents reach out, trying to connect with me because I can tell they're worried, but I don't know what to say to them, how to comfort them, so I ignore their calls.

I can't bring myself to explain to them how much constant pain I'm in. How much sorrow permeates my life.

 

[FuneralCry]

I could personally never stay alive for others, but I understand not wanting to cause pain to others. I know that it can be a difficult situation to be in when you do not want to live but yet there are others you are leaving behind. I'm sorry you are suffering so much. Living really is painful. I know that it can be hard to carry on when all you want is to leave this world. I wish you the best in whatever happens.

 

[western_heart]

Not wanting to hurt my parents (my mom especially) reinforces my barriers against actually killing myself but it's not a hard boundary. If the pain of existence gets bad enough I will find a way to overcome those barriers.

 

[WhiteRabbit]

Sort of. My mom was just diagnosed with Alzheimers, so I feel guilty not sticking around to help my family take care of her.

 

[ClaudeKersey]

I know what you mean and how you feel. Both my parents are still around, which makes it difficult for me. I know they would take it really hard, especially my mum. Sometimes I fantasize that my parents are gone, which makes me feel sick, dreaming of such stuff upon my own parents.

 

[JustAMatterOfTime]

Well I wouldn't be alive if it wasn't for my mum. Quite recently I nearly died and she had to do CPR on me, I got a sneak peak of what me dying would cause in the sense of pain to others, especially my mother. I owe it to her to at least try, but if she were to drop dead tomorrow I would die the exact same day I can guarantee it.

 

[Nolan96]

I imagine that among people on here who are managing chronic suicidality who feel no hope of recovery, this is the number one most common reason for not choosing suicide.

 

[Ligottian]

I've posted this before. Both of my parents are now dead. I have no children, spouse, or partner. Just waiting for when things become unbearable.

 

[Graytaichi]

My mum has stage 4 cancer ,im postphoning my ctb because of her. I find no reason to work. Left my 14yr job.

 

[Hyd999]

My mum has stage 4 cancer ,im postphoning my ctb because of her. I find no reason to work. Left my 14yr job.

Im sry to hear, sounds tough. Life sure is a bitch

 

[4mom]

But what is stopping me is knowing my mother will not survive my death and I love her so much. She is literally the only person I have any feeling for, and she has been there for me throughout my struggle with serious Depression for nearly 25 years.

How can I do that to her? She doesn't deserve it. Instead, I will wait it out, painfully. Like I've waited out the end of my life for the past 20 or so years.

I am in so much physical pain and yet my health is perfect. It's the physical pain of being alive.

My son is 25 years old. He has suffered from depression since he was a teenager. I raised him and his three siblings to talk to me openly about everything. He told me about a year ago that he was only keeping himself alive because of me, and not wanting to cause me pain. I told him plainly that if he makes that choice it will destroy the rest of my life. I love him so much. I have hope that something will change someday for him. He does not have that hope. I have hunted for solutions on how to help brain chemistry, and have this incredible dream that maybe we are only moments away from medicine that can change brain chemistry. It is not just the depression he deals with, but also his overall view of humans and that they are in general selfishly repulsive. Isn't a handful of kind ones worth living for, and finding? Maybe even they can be found here? And what if some of these new scientific discoveries then can change brain chemistry, like some of what is being done with specific psychedelic mushrooms to change brain chemistry? As a mom, I want you to know that your choice to suffer instead of your mom is beautiful. I don't know if you've told her what you've been going through in being suicidal as my son has told me, and maybe it is best you don't tell her. I live in regular fear that something might happen and despite my son's love and concern for me that it'll just be too much and I'll lose him. I remember him as the happy little boy he was and really believe there is hope something can be done to heal his mind and his heart. If not, I hope he makes the choice that you are making, even if I live to be 100.

 

[Gsvko]

I don't even have a relationship with my parents, but I think I would have no second thoughts with ctb if they were not in the equation (alive). I'm not sure why. I used to fantasise about coming back one day when I'm "grown up" and rekindling the relationship.