Discussion Anyone doubt they’ll ever do it?

[iltloml]

Go back and forth on it all day everyday and I know I won't have the courage to do it.

 

[brokensea]

I've had a pretty shitty life with horrible things that are still happening because the universe wants to just sit and laugh. Let's give her a tiny speck of hope and then demolish her because it's funny. I really do hate living. Doing the actual CTB is very difficult that's why I want it as peaceful as possible so the chances of backing out won't be high but SI will kick in as a MF. But my fear is just filled with anxiety that the everyday routine I have of waking up, being around the same people will just cease to exist. It's scary cuz your gonna be thrown into a whole new world. Kinda like graduating college, or getting a new job, moving far away where a new season of your life starts with new characters and storyline except this time……..your dead. It's just the starting something new over for me is the scary part. Leaving my cats behind is the toughest part. To be clear I believe in heaven. So like what will it be like in heaven? That's what I'm afraid to find out.

"I've had a pretty shitty life with horrible things that are still happening because the universe wants to just sit and laugh. Let's give her a tiny speck of hope and then demolish her because it's funny."

What you said here I feel 1000 percent.

 

[savagepeonies]

Yes, and it horrifies me. I've thought of killing myself since 14, and I've always been thoughtful enough to say "no, I'm going through a period of massive change, we need to wait and see." and I've put it off for so long. The fear grows as you get older, because your brain is more myelinated and the risk assessment chemicals kick in more. It probably would have been easier when I was younger and impulsive. I think ideally I would have killed myself around 24-25... but now I'm 36, and I am losing my memory rapidly. I fear early onset dementia because of the severe depression and trauma I've suffered. I'm scared one day that I will actually completely lack the constitution and become something much worse.

 

[brokensea]

I want to so much. I wish my impulsive attempts worked. It's now like I feel so nothing and so depressed I can't even get up the energy to try. I don't think that I won't it's more getting to a place where I can. Gotta get over these fears and get some energy up.

 

[Obliviate]

I had them too. I felt really really good. Felt like a god. I would listen to this song and it would be so fucking intense. I became too aggressive though and they doped me up

Wow. So you believe in a heaven?

Well I mean there's been a heck of a lot. Mania brings greatly heightened senses. It's not usually hallucinations as such. It can shade into hell and paranoia too. I sometimes liken it to like tripping on a variety of really potent street drugs. Colours look like never before. Music, oh wow. If there is a 'third ear' like a third eye that's what it is. Every song contains a special message just for me. Sometimes I feel dismissive of it all, almost disgusted at the total disconnect from 'reality'. But if I wanted to know how a god might feel? That would be it. I feel none of the usual aches and pains and as if I have been spiritually reborn. I feel like, 16 instead of 60. All my words seem like gold. Sounds narcissistic? Kinda is. Oh. And time travel. My imagination is in overdrive and it feels like the 1970's or once, the 13th century lol. Naturally, coming back to 'consensual reality' is not fun. I curse that the mania suckered me in once again. How are the mighty fallen. Sometimes months of severe depression follow. On the plus side, the episodes are less severe these days, I mostly keep myself safe and the dreaded depression doesn't really happen which in itself is pretty amazing, like eating an amazing restaurant meal and not having to pay haha.

That's insane. So you believe in heaven or just some type of after life?