Discussion Anyone doubt they’ll ever do it?

[freedompass]

What will it ever take for me to ctb? My life is empty and I'm unmotivated to fill it. 'Doing stuff' is unrewarding and takes effort. Yet it's nowhere near unpleasant enough to trigger a serious attempt. I've had waaaay worse times in the past and never done anything. So why would I now.

Does anyone else sometimes have serious doubts of ever following through on their suicidal thoughts? It's a habit and a coping strategy at this point. I had such an awful time for most of my adult life that now feels relatively peaceful. The boredom, weariness and pointlessness is undeniable but on its own that's not enough.

 

[BeansOfRequirement]

Yeah. Feels like it might take a lot to push me over the edge. Been through worse periods and kind of gotten used to this shit.

 

[Fadeawaaaay]

Yes I'm too lazy to even Pay my bills so I can't see motivating to purchase SN. I've had a habit throughout my life of retreating into escapism. Sleeping all the time is my preferred method now - it's cheap and requires minimal effort.

 

[Darkover]

no i know for certain without doubt i am going to ctb soon within one year time, so long as i can get SN or N or something similar, life just to shit to even want to be alive in this shithole\hellhole enslaved in this awful shit in this terribly slow universe

 

[Girl-shaped Wound]

I'm horrified I will never manage to do it and free myself from the horrors of existence. I do not want to grow old. I'm already ashamed as fuck for thinking about suicide for 20 years and not even making any actual attempt. I hate myself so much, I'm a complete failure

 

[FuneralCry]

At this point, unfortunately I do have doubts that I will do it. I'm not scared of death, I look forward to non existence and I'm very certain that suicide is the best thing for me. However actually going through with it is whats difficult. I think that if suicide is much easier and we lived in a world where peaceful methods are easily accessible then I would be long gone. For me the problem is that we live in a world where the society makes dying as difficult for us as possible and restricts methods.

My problem is that I have limited access to methods and the more easily accessible methods sound horrible and risky. The fear of failing ctb is what holds me back as well and planning suicide is just so unnecessarily complicated.

It's just so unfair and frustrating how dying is so hard. Suicide should be as easy as just wishing to be gone. I think that staying alive is the worst possible thing as it just prolongs suffering. The thought of having to endure this life for decades longer is so horrifying.

 

[takemenowpls]

What will it ever take for me to ctb? My life is empty and I'm unmotivated to fill it. 'Doing stuff' is unrewarding and takes effort. Yet it's nowhere near unpleasant enough to trigger a serious attempt. I've had waaaay worse times in the past and never done anything. So why would I now.

Does anyone else sometimes have serious doubts of ever following through on their suicidal thoughts? It's a habit and a coping strategy at this point. I had such an awful time for most of my adult life that now feels relatively peaceful. The boredom, weariness and pointlessness is undeniable but on its own that's not enough.

I've tried it many times. All attempts involved pills, all attempts were impulsive so all attempts failed. Now after joining here and reading so many posts I'll admit I'm scared now. Not scared of dying, I want that more then anything. I'm just scared of what could happen if I don't die. Brain damage, organ failure etc. this is something I think we all must think about. It's a hard decision to make but it has consequences if enough thought isn't put into it.

 

[przeciwwymiotne]

I'm 100% sure I'll do it

 

[freedompass]

I'm horrified I will never manage to do it and free myself from the horrors of existence. I do not want to grow old. I'm already ashamed as fuck for thinking about suicide for 20 years and not even making any actual attempt. I hate myself so much, I'm a complete failure

I'm 60 and I don't want to get old either lol. Not really ashamed that I never attempted tho. I always told myself I'll make sure I succeed.

 

[mentalhealthfighter]

Yes I'm too lazy to even Pay my bills so I can't see motivating to purchase SN. I've had a habit throughout my life of retreating into escapism. Sleeping all the time is my preferred method now - it's cheap and requires minimal effort.

is sleeping like a skill you can work on? Because I can't sleep at all during the day

 

[Girl-shaped Wound]

I'm 60 and I don't want to get old either lol. Not really ashamed that I never attempted tho. I always told myself I'll make sure I succeed.

Love your positive outlook! I mean it. I will try to think like that too. That it does not matter that I have not attempted yet, since once I do, it will make all the difference.
My mind is stubborn and likes to hold on to negativity, not gonna lie.

 

[theboy]

I am very clear that I will not live long in this life. I really don't expect to reach 30 years old. Not to mention 40 or 50. Every day I try to convince myself more that CTB is what I need.

 

[Rounded Agony]

It's hard to say. Despite recently feeling my worst ever and most inclined to do so, I didn't. Granted, that's partially since I just found this site and more out about methods, dangers, etc.; as has been said, I'm horrified of both the process of dying (not death itself), SI kickin' in at some point, changing my mind during (specifically if it's too late during an irreversible method), and one of my top options for quitting taking quite a bit of effort (travel/in person purchase/etc.).

The worst part is I currently imagine the kind of thing that would most likely make me decide for sure to do it would be massive obstacles in doing so. Like, losing functionality of my body to any extent, or clarity of mind, or such things. I as though the less capable of living I become, and thus choosing not to, the more I won't want to but the harder it gets to do something about it. Fucking vicious...

 

[wielkiwrobel]

I'm 60 and I don't want to get old either lol. Not really ashamed that I never attempted tho. I always told myself I'll make sure I succeed.

You are already old. Sorry for honesty

 

[Fadeawaaaay]

is sleeping like a skill you can work on? Because I can't sleep at all during the day

I lay on the couch all day and occasionally doze off …

 

[Hope:-)]

I'm the other way. I know I'll do it...and that's the demoralising part.

 

[Fadeawaaaay]

I'm the other way. I know I'll do it...and that's the demoralising part.

Jealous - wish I could

 

[Obliviate]

I've had a pretty shitty life with horrible things that are still happening because the universe wants to just sit and laugh. Let's give her a tiny speck of hope and then demolish her because it's funny. I really do hate living. Doing the actual CTB is very difficult that's why I want it as peaceful as possible so the chances of backing out won't be high but SI will kick in as a MF. But my fear is just filled with anxiety that the everyday routine I have of waking up, being around the same people will just cease to exist. It's scary cuz your gonna be thrown into a whole new world. Kinda like graduating college, or getting a new job, moving far away where a new season of your life starts with new characters and storyline except this time……..your dead. It's just the starting something new over for me is the scary part. Leaving my cats behind is the toughest part. To be clear I believe in heaven. So like what will it be like in heaven? That's what I'm afraid to find out.

 

[freedompass]

is sleeping like a skill you can work on? Because I can't sleep at all during the day

I think it's a superpower. Why be conscious if you have the option not to be.

You are already old. Sorry for honesty

Well my point was really that 'old' is a relative concept, not an absolute.

I've had a pretty shitty life with horrible things that are still happening because the universe wants to just sit and laugh. Let's give her a tiny speck of hope and then demolish her because it's funny. I really do hate living. Doing the actual CTB is very difficult that's why I want it as peaceful as possible so the chances of backing out won't be high but SI will kick in as a MF. But my fear is just filled with anxiety that the everyday routine I have of waking up, being around the same people will just cease to exist. It's scary cuz your gonna be thrown into a whole new world. Kinda like graduating college, or getting a new job, moving far away where a new season of your life starts with new characters and storyline except this time……..your dead. It's just the starting something new over for me is the scary part. Leaving my cats behind is the toughest part. To be clear I believe in heaven. So like what will it be like in heaven? That's what I'm afraid to find out.

I used to believe in stuff too. Just lost the energy for it somehow. I've had sooo many altered mental states during bipolar manic episodes that were an incredible testament to the power of the human mind and often quite wonderful and ecstatic. Really felt like another dimension altogether. Could this be how heaven is, I wondered. I felt like a god, but if I ever admit that most people think I'm some kind of megalomaniac. It isn't a power trip, it's not wanting to be the puppet master. It's more, being able to spontaneously manifest whatever I desire and being luminous and seeing angels and gods around me. Is that so wrong. Anyway, this painful life of struggle is all we know so yeah I hear what you're saying.

 

[Mjølnir]

Will probably do it when im tired enough and I find the right time.

 

[Obliviate]

I think it's a superpower. Why be conscious if you have the option not to be.

Well my point was really that 'old' is a relative concept, not an absolute.

I used to believe in stuff too. Just lost the energy for it somehow. I've had sooo many altered mental states during bipolar manic episodes that were an incredible testament to the power of the human mind and often quite wonderful and ecstatic. Really felt like another dimension altogether. Could this be how heaven is, I wondered. I felt like a god, but if I ever admit that most people think I'm some kind of megalomaniac. It isn't a power trip, it's not wanting to be the puppet master. It's more, being able to spontaneously manifest whatever I desire and being luminous and seeing angels and gods around me. Is that so wrong. Anyway, this painful life of struggle is all we know so yeah I hear what you're saying.

Woahhhhhh can you tell us more about those experiences!?!? That's interesting. I mean yeah technically people would call it seeing illusions/schizophrenia. Even though I'm not really into the whole spiritual thing because life has been hell but I do believe there is a spiritual world out there and people can experience crazy things. We just don't know whether it's mental illness or a higher form.

 

[mentalhealthfighter]

Woahhhhhh can you tell us more about those experiences!?!? That's interesting. I mean yeah technically people would call it seeing illusions/schizophrenia. Even though I'm not really into the whole spiritual thing because life has been hell but I do believe there is a spiritual world out there and people can experience crazy things. We just don't know whether it's mental illness or a higher form.

I had them too. I felt really really good. Felt like a god. I would listen to this song and it would be so fucking intense. I became too aggressive though and they doped me up

 

[freedompass]

Woahhhhhh can you tell us more about those experiences!?!? That's interesting. I mean yeah technically people would call it seeing illusions/schizophrenia. Even though I'm not really into the whole spiritual thing because life has been hell but I do believe there is a spiritual world out there and people can experience crazy things. We just don't know whether it's mental illness or a higher form.

Well I mean there's been a heck of a lot. Mania brings greatly heightened senses. It's not usually hallucinations as such. It can shade into hell and paranoia too. I sometimes liken it to like tripping on a variety of really potent street drugs. Colours look like never before. Music, oh wow. If there is a 'third ear' like a third eye that's what it is. Every song contains a special message just for me. Sometimes I feel dismissive of it all, almost disgusted at the total disconnect from 'reality'. But if I wanted to know how a god might feel? That would be it. I feel none of the usual aches and pains and as if I have been spiritually reborn. I feel like, 16 instead of 60. All my words seem like gold. Sounds narcissistic? Kinda is. Oh. And time travel. My imagination is in overdrive and it feels like the 1970's or once, the 13th century lol. Naturally, coming back to 'consensual reality' is not fun. I curse that the mania suckered me in once again. How are the mighty fallen. Sometimes months of severe depression follow. On the plus side, the episodes are less severe these days, I mostly keep myself safe and the dreaded depression doesn't really happen which in itself is pretty amazing, like eating an amazing restaurant meal and not having to pay haha.

 

[WorthlessTrash]

I'm going to do it. My problems won't go away otherwise.

 

[Sick of it all]

I'm on the fence without a full proof method. My fear is becoming a vegetable and making someone care for me. That is the total opposite of what I want.

 

[RetroChaos]

I don't know if I ever will. I want to, but my reasons are probably for the wrong reasons. I still feel suicidal most days, but it's just learning to deal with it I guess.

 

[Mofreeko]

I feel confident I will do it, but we'll see when the time comes.

 

[betternever2havbeen]

If I can get N yeh, anything else I'm probably too much of a coward to do until I have no choice like when my mum dies and my life gets even worse.

 

[HateMyPointlessLife]

It's been 18 years since I first properly decided I wanted to ctb. And I've failed countless times since. Now I'm generally worried that I will continue to fail, and never get to be successful. But I really hope I succeed, or I will end up losing my mind completely soon.

 

[outrider567]

I'm 60 and I don't want to get old either lol. Not really ashamed that I never attempted tho. I always told myself I'll make sure I succeed.

I'm 68 but age has nothing to do with anything in my case--Black hole of depression from sense of loss would get me at 58 or 48