Discussion Anyone Bipolar and wants to ctb because there's no hope in trying ?

[BigG91]

Hi ss members ... Hoping to connect and get some responses . I have been suffering from Bipolar 1 since 2011 ..so around 10 years ..I have been hospitalized more than 5 times for psychosis which is literally like going insane and i have been to jail too. I have been on medications on and off but nothing seems to work as i feel I'm myself and can work only when i am off medications .. but then i go crazy again after a few months.

I had started thinking about suicide about 3 years ago and bought 10g Cyanide but thought I'll give one last try by stopping my medications so kept in storage but after a year when i wanted to ctb the cyanide had reacted with the moisture in the air and was gooey and lost all it's potency as hydrogen cyanide gas escaped.

Now recently I went into psychosis ended up in jail and then the Psychiatric Hospital soon after and now I'm back home living with my parents and can't seem to work as my brain just doesn't work or is slow or can't remember stuff....
In my personal opinion i feel Prison is the best place for me because I having this horrible illness cannot function in society

Now I've decided to hang myself whenever i get the opportunity to do so...

Has anyone had similar experiences ?

 

[hankbank3928]

I have schizophrenia so I can relate, being in and out of psych wards is complete hell.

 

[its-about-time]

Not sure what my current diagnosis is anymore after my last psych ward visit but it's been tossed between schizophrenia, bipolar, and schizoaffective. I get psychosis and mood episodes basically. I can really relate to the never ending cycle. I've been off meds since I got out of the hospital in December last year so about 3 1/2 months. It was an involuntary admission after an attempt and when I got out I just said fuck all this. I'm done. Just been going through the motions of odd experiences but feeling fine I guess. I'm working on finishing an exit bag with nitrogen set up. Figure I'll do it impulsively at some point. I'm still in therapy and it's nice to have someone to talk to but it doesn't improve anything. I just don't seem to care enough anymore. Pointless to keep trying when every effort results in catastrophic failure. Enjoying the little things while I wait for the moment when I feel ready to end it. No second guessing.

 

[headspin]

Hi ss members ... Hoping to connect and get some responses . I have been suffering from Bipolar 1 since 2011 ..so around 10 years ..I have been hospitalized more than 5 times for psychosis which is literally like going insane and i have been to jail too. I have been on medications on and off but nothing seems to work as i feel I'm myself and can work only when i am off medications .. but then i go crazy again after a few months.

I had started thinking about suicide about 3 years ago and bought 10g Cyanide but thought I'll give one last try by stopping my medications so kept in storage but after a year when i wanted to ctb the cyanide had reacted with the moisture in the air and was gooey and lost all it's potency as hydrogen cyanide gas escaped.

Now recently I went into psychosis ended up in jail and then the Psychiatric Hospital soon after and now I'm back home living with my parents and can't seem to work as my brain just doesn't work or is slow or can't remember stuff....
In my personal opinion i feel Prison is the best place for me because I having this horrible illness cannot function in society

Now I've decided to hang myself whenever i get the opportunity to do so...

Has anyone had similar experiences ?

Yes. I was in jail this last episode. Twice. It was traumatic and humiliating. I was then hospitalized. Further humiliation and trauma ( what they did to some people was horrifying, the constant alarms too. I was there for a month. I felt trapped. When you can sleep we will let you go , they said. I could not sleep with people screaming and alarms going off and flashlights in my face every 20 minutes. I am bipolar 1. I have repeatedly gone into psychosis. They put me on lithium, which has never helped and my system reacts to it badly. But I regret not staying on it, because it could have prevented to total collapse of my life. Second round of jail, second hospitization after a third arrest where because of my psychosis they took my straight to the hospital. So technically 3 arrests, two landing in jail, all in a matter of a few months. I am now living with my mother in a tiny one bedroom apartment, sleeping on the sofa. Its driving me even more crazy. But I guess I should be grateful I am not on the street.
I see no way out of this. I also feel so brain paralyzed/dysfunctional I can't work. I cannot envision ever building a life again. I need to end this. Tried hanging myself yesterday...could not kick the stool away, so afraid of messing it up and making it worse. Researching Sodium Nitrite. How did you get cyanide? Are you still around? I noticed your post is from weeks ago....

Not sure what my current diagnosis is anymore after my last psych ward visit but it's been tossed between schizophrenia, bipolar, and schizoaffective. I get psychosis and mood episodes basically. I can really relate to the never ending cycle. I've been off meds since I got out of the hospital in December last year so about 3 1/2 months. It was an involuntary admission after an attempt and when I got out I just said fuck all this. I'm done. Just been going through the motions of odd experiences but feeling fine I guess. I'm working on finishing an exit bag with nitrogen set up. Figure I'll do it impulsively at some point. I'm still in therapy and it's nice to have someone to talk to but it doesn't improve anything. I just don't seem to care enough anymore. Pointless to keep trying when every effort results in catastrophic failure. Enjoying the little things while I wait for the moment when I feel ready to end it. No second guessing.

Being able to enjoy little things is a plus. I can't seem to do that. Complete disconnection. I can relate to all of this. I have read about the exit bag...I feel like I would fuck it up.

 

[lili]

Bipolar here too with borderline..

Been to hospital quite a few times and rehab.

I've been through so medications. It seems like nothing works for me.

I feel like my brain is completely broken.

Deleted a few things because wasn't sure how I wasn't expressing myself. My brain is a little bit messy right now my bad.

 

[LeavingEarly]

Bipolar here too with borderline..

Been to hospital quite a few times and rehab.

I've been through so medications. It seems like nothing works for me.

I feel like my brain is completely broken.

Deleted a few things because wasn't sure how I wasn't expressing myself. My brain is a little bit messy right now my bad.

Yeah same but schizoaffective disorder. I have been hospitalized 9 times. I just feel like a zombie now. Go through the motions on everything and lack of interest an anything. I am miserable. Still on the fence about ordering N from D. Have not ordered yet because I know it is the end of the road and my SI and worry about the afterlife is intimidating.

 

[BigG91]

Yes. I was in jail this last episode. Twice. It was traumatic and humiliating. I was then hospitalized. Further humiliation and trauma ( what they did to some people was horrifying, the constant alarms too. I was there for a month. I felt trapped. When you can sleep we will let you go , they said. I could not sleep with people screaming and alarms going off and flashlights in my face every 20 minutes. I am bipolar 1. I have repeatedly gone into psychosis. They put me on lithium, which has never helped and my system reacts to it badly. But I regret not staying on it, because it could have prevented to total collapse of my life. Second round of jail, second hospitization after a third arrest where because of my psychosis they took my straight to the hospital. So technically 3 arrests, two landing in jail, all in a matter of a few months. I am now living with my mother in a tiny one bedroom apartment, sleeping on the sofa. Its driving me even more crazy. But I guess I should be grateful I am not on the street.
I see no way out of this. I also feel so brain paralyzed/dysfunctional I can't work. I cannot envision ever building a life again. I need to end this. Tried hanging myself yesterday...could not kick the stool away, so afraid of messing it up and making it worse. Researching Sodium Nitrite. How did you get cyanide? Are you still around? I noticed your post is from weeks ago....

Being able to enjoy little things is a plus. I can't seem to do that. Complete disconnection. I can relate to all of this. I have read about the exit bag...I feel like I would fuck it up.

Yea I'm still around.... I bought the cyanide from a chemical dealers in another state.

 

[nightshow]

Yea I'm still around.... I bought the cyanide from a chemical dealers in another state.

how much does it cost?

 

[BigG91]

how much does it cost

how much does it cost?

I got 10g for Rs. 4000 some were asking Rs. 10000 for the same