Anyone afraid to ctb because their sibling also passed away?

[absntaknwldgmnt]

My brother died a few years back and I'm the only child left in my family. I feel so much pressure to stay because I care about them and I'm afraid I'll break them if I go.

Just wondering if someone has something similar going on

 

[Redleaf1992]

I'm sorry about your brother.

I'm not in the same exact position as you, but can relate.

My brother passed a way many years back, and I still have two sisters. That said I still remember how much grief it gave my parents (my mum was in out and out of hospital at the time).

It pains me to think that I may bring that level of suffering again.

 

[absntaknwldgmnt]

Thanks for sharing. I definitely am also afraid for bringing that grief back on my family. I wonder if it's harder because we have seen first hand how much it affects them

I'm sorry for your loss.

 

[Redleaf1992]

Yes I would think so, we don't need to imagine/guess the consequences..as you said we experienced it first hand.

 

[dinosavr]

I'm really sorry for your situation. Please remember though that most of the time people don't get to choose when they go. You could just as well die in an accident or whatever and there would be no one to blame you. It's life, it's never been fair…

 

[Meteora]

My cousin suicided 1,5 years ago. My "family" didn't even bother to go to the funeral..... at the time I lived far away from them and the didn't even inform be..... got to know about his death much later through another cousin.

So, no, I don't think they would have a proboblem with me ctb.

 

[Suicidal_manlet]

I have a little brother who is better than me and more hard working and talented, he would definitely provide for my family well after my ctb ig

 

[AnonymousL]

My sister tried to ctb a few months ago.
I'm scared if I ctb , she will follow me.

 

[absntaknwldgmnt]

My cousin suicided 1,5 years ago. My "family" didn't even bother to go to the funeral..... at the time I lived far away from them and the didn't even inform be..... got to know about his death much later through another cousin.

So, no, I don't think they would have a proboblem with me ctb.

I'm really sorry to hear that, were you close?

My cousin suicided 1,5 years ago. My "family" didn't even bother to go to the funeral..... at the time I lived far away from them and the didn't even inform be..... got to know about his death much later through another cousin.

So, no, I don't think they would have a proboblem with me ctb.

it's so crazy to hear about a death like that

My sister tried to ctb a few months ago.
I'm scared if I ctb , she will follow me.

That's so much pressure

 

[dggtscccvfd]

My little brother died from cancer 7 years ago. My mum, in particular, took a long time to recover. Unfortunately, I've got no other choice but to CTB (I have a breathing disorder and severe erectile dysfunction), but it doesn't make it any easier knowing the devastation it causes.

 

[absntaknwldgmnt]

My little brother died from cancer 7 years ago. My mum, in particular, took a long time to recover. Unfortunately, I've got no other choice but to CTB (I have a breathing disorder and severe erectile dysfunction), but it doesn't make it any easier knowing the devastation it causes.

I'm sorry about what happened to your brother and your family and I'm sorry you are also suffering.

 

[dggtscccvfd]

I'm sorry about what happened to your brother and your family and I'm sorry you are also suffering.

Yes, it's tragic. Fortunately, there were 4 of us, so my mum will still have 2 sons left after I CTB. Not sure on my timing yet, but likely later this year; I already have my SN!

 

[absntaknwldgmnt]

I wonder all the time about what he would be doing now. I could always talk to him about depression and SI. I really miss him and I know my family does too

Yes, it's tragic. Fortunately, there were 4 of us, so my mum will still have 2 sons left after I CTB. Not sure on my timing yet, but likely later this year; I already have my SN!

I am sure she will still miss you dearly, but its so difficult to live through pain. There comes a point where maybe we can't live for others anymore.
I think I joined the forum too late to get SN. Seemed like a lot of people say it's peaceful

 

[Meteora]

I'm really sorry to hear that, were you close?

it's so crazy to hear about a death like that

Thank you, we were not so close but saw eachother a lot growing up.

 

[absntaknwldgmnt]

Thank you, we were not so close but saw eachother a lot growing up.

Still must have been such a shock. People in our childhood really have a great impact on us

 

[Meteora]

Still must have been such a shock. People in our childhood really have a great impact on us

It was. But it feels surreal, I wasn't at the funeral.

 

[absntaknwldgmnt]

It was. But it feels surreal, I wasn't at the funeral.

Do you think you would have had some closure if you could have gone?

 

[Meteora]

Do you think you would have had some closure if you could have gone?

Yes, I think it would ve definitly helped

 

[Remina]

I've actually posted about this exact thing before! I would feel so much less guilt were it not for the fact that my sibling CTB'd years ago. I feel a lot of obligation towards my family who've already grieved one child, and I feel jealous that I got beat to the punch.

And it's made so much worse by the fact that my Dad knows I've had suicidal thoughts in the past and is terrified that I'll be the next one to die. He does absolutely everything in his power to try and make me happy. One time, I slept with my door locked because I didn't want anyone coming into my room, and he was banging and wailing at the door acting as though he knew I'd killed myself (I hadn't even attempted to). I'm sure he's exhausted too, but always being suspected as a potential corpse in the near future any time I am left alone... it's exhausting, and it wears me down, and I just wanna be how I normally am, without my dad constantly trying to get me to do shit I don't wanna do.

I'm trying to shed this 'guilt to stay alive', because I know that all it's doing is prolonging my suffering to save others grief. I want to muster the willpower to make my fleeting existence any less of a burden on the ones who love me, and when I'm gone I will finally be at peace. Peace is all I've ever wanted.

 

[absntaknwldgmnt]

Yes, I think it would ve definitly helped

Wish you had the option to go. While some rituals seem strange, they can be cathartic and helpful when you have the choice ro participate

I've actually posted about this exact thing before! I would feel so much less guilt were it not for the fact that my sibling CTB'd years ago. I feel a lot of obligation towards my family who've already grieved one child, and I feel jealous that I got beat to the punch.

And it's made so much worse by the fact that my Dad knows I've had suicidal thoughts in the past and is terrified that I'll be the next one to die. He does absolutely everything in his power to try and make me happy. One time, I slept with my door locked because I didn't want anyone coming into my room, and he was banging and wailing at the door acting as though he knew I'd killed myself (I hadn't even attempted to). I'm sure he's exhausted too, but always being suspected as a potential corpse in the near future any time I am left alone... it's exhausting, and it wears me down, and I just wanna be how I normally am, without my dad constantly trying to get me to do shit I don't wanna do.

I'm trying to shed this guilt to stay alive, because I know that all it's doing is prolonging my suffering to save others grief. I want to muster the willpower to make my fleeting existence any less of a burden on the ones who love me, and when I'm gone I will finally be at peace. Peace is all I've ever wanted.

Wow I really connect with this. Its strange how the feeling of obligation becomes so intense after something like that. It's certainly difficult when you have your family aware of how you are feeling as well. I am sure this is a struggle for both you and your family. I hope you find a way to clear yourself of that guilt, none of us should feel that (but I certainly do as well)
Depression and mental health struggles run in my family. While we care (mostly) for each other, we definitely all struggle with our own demons in our own way.

I'm really sorry for your loss

 

[Meteora]

Wish you had the option to go. While some rituals seem strange, they can be cathartic and helpful when you have the choice ro participate

A funeral definitly helps. Think so too

 

[absntaknwldgmnt]

Sometimes I wish he was still here, I could talk to him about anything

 

[TapeMachine]

My brother died a few years back and I'm the only child left in my family. I feel so much pressure to stay because I care about them and I'm afraid I'll break them if I go.

Just wondering if someone has something similar going on

Yep. I had everything planned out to kms in February of 2023. I mean, I had been researching, gathering the necessary supplies, and planning my ctb for months beforehand...

But that same February, one of my precious brothers intentionally overdosed and died. And that seriously made me want to die even more, because a world without him in it is just..not the same.

But I reluctantly put my ctb plans on hold for a while...and I'm still here over a year after his death. Because now I'm riddled with guilt at the thought of bringing even more trauma and pain onto our parents by being their second "child" (I'm 39, hardly a child, but yeah) to die by their own hand. I'm afraid I'll ruin my mom if I go, but the day will likely come that I have to put all of that aside and leave anyway.

I'm sorry you're dealing with similar circumstances.

 

[trashprincess]

If my family didn't want me and my siblings to ctb, maybe they shouldn't have raised us to be suicidal.

I went through all the same shit my brother did, and have all the same problems he did and more.

The fact of the matter is, the life they gave me led me here. It's not a matter of blaming them, it's just that I couldn't give a h*ck about their feelings towards me.

They've only ever cared about me to stroke their ego. They don't care about how I feel, ONLY how I make them feel. The psychological torment of existing only to validate the most toxic people in my life is literally killing me.

They never loved me, and never will. It's psychologically impossible to stick around ONLY for their benefit.

 

[rora]

My brother died a few years back and I'm the only child left in my family. I feel so much pressure to stay because I care about them and I'm afraid I'll break them if I go.

Just wondering if someone has something similar going on

It's the same for me, except it's not a sibling.
But I totally understand, my family is emotionally dependent on me. I feel terrible when I think about how things are going to be for them if I'm gone