Anybody else feel desperate to attach to some "outer" force?

[snooperdooper]

I feel like somebody has to relate to this. I am so so so so so lost in life, I don't know what I could possibly do to escape. I feel trapped, so very stuck where I am with no way to get out. When I tried to break free through SN the package was intercepted and after a bouquet of other problems with getting the SN I just gave up. I feel like I have to attach to some reason for all of this or else I'll go insane.

Lately I have felt haunted by the idea of karma. I wonder if my hatred of my parents is tied to my inability to escape this life. I asked the universe for a sign of if karma was real and, no joke, I got a tiktok which in bright red text read "karma is real." I feel like if I wasn't such a level headed person that would've drove me over the edge. I have to contemplate with myself of if that tiktok is just a byproduct of every social media company spying on your every action and trying to get the most addictive content on your algorithm (I had searched up if karma is real on google prior to that tiktok showing up) or if it's truly a sign from the universe. I don't know anymore. I'm trying to be nice wherever I can, I can't tell if it's truly out the goodness of my heart since I seem to do it subconsciously or only an act that derives from my fear of being punished.

Alternative to that much darker mindset is my wish for an afterlife akin to The Good Place. A place where one of its most prominent features is the ability to create any scenario you want to. I attach myself to so many fantasies in order to escape this life momentarily. Maybe I'm a pretty trans girl, or a great artist, or a kind/positive friend to everybody, or a grandmaster, or a poker player, or just a gorgeous girl living through life. I just don't think I could ever cope with the very likely reality that this is my one shot and I blew it. Believing the afterlife to be a place where you can live out your deepest desires and regrets and that some outer force is benevolent enough to give you that type of closure before you're sent off into the endless void is a belief I sincerely can't live without.

So, really, it seems like thoughts about an outer force either giving me pain or euphoria have seemed to envelop my thoughts. Can anybody relate to this? Does this feel like something you've experienced?

 

[unluckysadness]

I believe in karma because I suffer so much since I was born. I even wonder if I wasn't a n*zi in a past life.

But on the other hand, I very often have signs (like seeing 11:11 when I look at the clock). I believe in guardian angels but I find it very cruel since these signs do not help me and my existence is more and more miserable. I even wonder if it is not a sign asking me to go to heaven

 

[Light_]

they say it is within, not outer. and that's the only place I have found it at times myself, never from the outside. Good luck to you.

 

[bluebook]

I never fantasized much because I never had the optimism that outside forces would change my miserable internal state. I remember running the thought experiment, what if I suddenly had 1 billion dollars and could do whatever I want. I think I would be happy for a while, but eventually I would get bored because being rich would become my new normal. That being said, money never was a contributing factor towards depression. But whatever way you want to slice it, I never believed 'things' could make me happy.