Discussion Anybody constantly keep "checking out" because of depression or unbearable mental pain?

[ReallyTired]

A long time ago I read an interesting story. It was about why some people develop dementia. It was a very controversial opinion. The person claimed that some people whose lives are extremely hard, they reach the point they just can't carry on any more. Usually because of excruciating mental pain. Because they don't want to live anymore but they're too scared or unable to kill themselves, they just simply "check out". And the dilemma is solved. Apparently, they do unconsciously, without realizing it.
I know this is overly simplistic explanation but could that be true for some people?

Maybe even me? My depression is getting worse. I can't cope anymore. All I do is lying in bed and starring at the wall. So many hours & days pass this way. Browsing Internet is boring for me, reading books is boring, watching movies is boring. Even listening to music is boring. These all used to be my hobbies. Everything I knew, everything I liked has become s distant memory. The person who I was is completely gone. My identity is gone.
People around me are supportive and trying to help but they can't reach me anymore. They don't understand that my brain is really ill. They want back the person I used to be.They tell me these little lies how things will get better...But how? Honestly how?

 

[Snake of Eden]

Yes i think mental pain affects the brain on physical level if it continues for a very long periods of time and will cause permanent damage to the brain eventually. Add to that aging and inflammation from chronic stress and it surely will increase the odds of something like dementia from happening. Also drugs like antipsychotics are shown to cause dementia

 

[motel rooms]

A long time ago I read an interesting story. It was about why some people develop dementia. It was a very controversial opinion. The person claimed that some people whose lives are extremely hard, they reach the point they just can't carry on any more. Usually because of excruciating mental pain. Because they don't want to live anymore but they're too scared or unable to kill themselves, they just simply "check out". And the dilemma is solved. Apparently, they do unconsciously, without realizing it.
I know this is overly simplistic explanation but could that be true for some people?

I know that depressed people can experience dissociation in a lot of different ways, but dissociation isn't dementia.

https://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/types-of-mental-health-problems/dissociation-and-dissociative-disorders/about-dissociation/

 

[Fadeawaaaay]

A long time ago I read an interesting story. It was about why some people develop dementia. It was a very controversial opinion. The person claimed that some people whose lives are extremely hard, they reach the point they just can't carry on any more. Usually because of excruciating mental pain. Because they don't want to live anymore but they're too scared or unable to kill themselves, they just simply "check out". And the dilemma is solved. Apparently, they do unconsciously, without realizing it.
I know this is overly simplistic explanation but could that be true for some people?

Maybe even me? My depression is getting worse. I can't cope anymore. All I do is lying in bed and starring at the wall. So many hours & days pass this way. Browsing Internet is boring for me, reading books is boring, watching movies is boring. Even listening to music is boring. These all used to be my hobbies. Everything I knew, everything I liked has become s distant memory. The person who I was is completely gone. My identity is gone.
People around me are supportive and trying to help but they can't reach me anymore. They don't understand that my brain is really ill. They want back the person I used to be.They tell me these little lies how things will get better...But how? Honestly how?

Me too. I used to be quite an interesting person full of many passions – books, movies, dinner parties, cultivating interesting people… Now, just like you, nothing interest me… killing time. I know I'm boring. I almost relish my boringness. I'm over everything.

 

[Painless_end]

I check out because of the weird incurable neurobiological problems that I have which manifests as a lack of interest in doing productive stuff. It is not depression, just what I am as a person.

Honestly, just taking a bath and having lunch or dinner becomes extremely boring and undesirable and put off until the last minute.

 

[Zzzzz]

I desperately wish I could check out like that. As long as Im not aware of anything and feel nothing. SI has proven impossible for me to overcome and suicide has eluded me.

 

[FuneralCry]

I do believe it is true, it is a way for many people to deal with the pain this life gives them. Suicide is very difficult after all, as even know we want to die, we are programmed to survive. Many people die inside even know they are still physically alive. Many of us do not live but just exist.

 

[lost_ally]

Wow, this is interesting. I worked in dementia care for years and never thought of this.
It's a very tragic disease. I truly loved those people.
There were times they were lucid and would say they knew what was happening to them.

It makes me think...I had a severe mental breakdown last year and became comatose at times. I forgot how to talk as I couldn't remember words, couldn't feed or look after myself. I would spend hours staring at the roof, but it provided a numbing comfort. I became like my patients, essentially and have been on long term sickness since as I still have these episodes from time to time..

I desperately wish I could check out like that. As long as Im not aware of anything and feel nothing. SI has proven impossible for me to overcome and suicide has eluded me.

Sadly you may. I would have discussions during the lucid moments and they knew what was happening to them. It's probably the cruelest disease I've ever cared for.

 

[Lost Magic]

Well the great Robin Williams was said to have had early onset Lewy body dementia. That coupled with depression and knowing that he would lose himself and his ability to perform must have been a huge weight on him. I don't blame him for checking out. But now he is free from his shackles, just like his Genie character in Aladdin.

 

[Wrennie]

I've been dissociating from reality for virtually my entire life. It became the 'norm' that I was always in two places at once. Retreating into my mind even when the people that surrounded me believed I was 'present'.

I do have memory problems. Not sure if it's due to the depression, the trauma, being excessively drugged, a massive titanium implant in my body, or my chronic illnesses. Probably a mix of all of those factors. I might go on to develop dementia in my twenties at this rate.

 

[Lost Magic]

I've been dissociating from reality for virtually my entire life. It became the 'norm' that I was always in two places at once. Retreating into my mind even when the people that surrounded me believed I was 'present'.

I do have memory problems. Not sure if it's due to the depression, the trauma, being excessively drugged, a massive titanium implant in my body, or my chronic illnesses. Probably a mix of all of those factors. I might go on to develop dementia in my twenties at this rate.

It's so sad that people like you and I have to go through these horrible things in life. I had to endure severe phycological trauma growing up. I was also hit on the head by a heavy ashtray as a kid and my memory has not been great since. Old age is not on my radar but I guess compared to young people like yourself and others, I am already ancient lol. So yeah, I know how you feel. Life is not easy.

 

[Ldog9]

This is my fear, depression/suicidal thoughts from age 10/11 for 20+ years have done irreparable damage to my brain.

 

[return2dreamland]

ah yes, dissociation. my head always retreats into daydreams and the like so i don't have to deal with the mental anguish that is "being me." it feels a lot safer daydreaming for me than engaging in hobbies or anything that involves me existing as myself for too long, lmao.

 

[RareSoul]

Yes, I think long term extreme suffering can cause huge damage to the brain to such extent that it can cause dementia or dementia-like state. I definitely feel like I have the latter; it feels like I have lost the ability to think clearly. The hopeful news though is that neuroplasticity means that this harm to the brain can potentially be reversed. A brain can heal if a person gets to change the curcumstances in which they live to more positive ones so that instead of getting retraumatized all the time one gets to heal the trauma. At least that's what I understand to be true.

On another note, someone recommended to me a book on this subject titled "The Brain's Way of Healing" but I haven't read it. Anyone knows it?

 

[LastLoveLetter]

I have a dissociative disorder. Significant chunks of my life have been lost to dissociative amnesia. I sometimes even briefly forget who I am, where I am and frequently forget what I am doing. I sometimes feel like a completely different person, like someone has changed my personality, like I don't have an identity at all.

During a particularly debilitating episode, I can even forget how to perform basic tasks such as operating a washing machine or a microwave, because my mind simply isn't "here." Or I'll absentmindedly turn the oven on and forget to turn it off. The fact I have not accidentally burned the house down yet is a miracle in all honesty.

I have also stared blankly into space for many hours, unable to move. Just sitting in one position, staring at the wall or the floor.

Everything around me feels unreal. My dreams and nightmares at times feel more real than being awake. It's known as derealization. I also experience depersonalisation. In my case, this manifests as feeling as though I am floating (it may sound pleasant, but it isn't), feeling completely disconnected from myself and my own body, feeling as though I am watching my life unfold before my eyes but instead of sitting at the steering wheel, I am in the passenger seat.

For me personally, this is all due to many years of extreme trauma. I believe that the ability to dissociate is the only reason why I survived.

When dissociation is pervasive and impacts every area of your life, it is absolutely awful. Although it does have advantages in some situations (for example, I was able to detach myself in emergencies - such as when a loved one was dying - to do what needed to be done, while everyone else around me fell apart and panicked), it has a profound impact on my overall life.

Forgetting entire years of my life, how to perform basic tasks and being unable to move is debilitating. Feeling as though someone else is in control of me is terrifying. Experiencing excruciating flashbacks and nightmares and dissociating to the point I feel like I'm already dead but trapped in this life is horrifying. It is yet another disorder I wish I never had.

 

[myopybyproxy]

Yes, @ReallyTired, I feel I could have written this post myself. I, too, have no identity. Everything is either boring or is overshadowed with a sinister darkness. I 'check out' sometimes as well. Physical pain brings me back a bit - so sometimes I self harm because of this - but why would I want to be brought back to this cruel joke called life? Mostly I just slap myself when I'm driving to be sure I stay present enough to avoid getting into an accident.

I think it is called dissociating, but none of the dissociative disorders describes what I do, so I hesitate to claim that word to describe my experience. Though full dementia isn't right either - I'm gradually declining cognitively, but not to where my brain flips a switch and it's lights out, so to speak.

 

[Onkyo74893]

A long time ago I read an interesting story. It was about why some people develop dementia. It was a very controversial opinion. The person claimed that some people whose lives are extremely hard, they reach the point they just can't carry on any more. Usually because of excruciating mental pain. Because they don't want to live anymore but they're too scared or unable to kill themselves, they just simply "check out". And the dilemma is solved. Apparently, they do unconsciously, without realizing it.
I know this is overly simplistic explanation but could that be true for some people?

Maybe even me? My depression is getting worse. I can't cope anymore. All I do is lying in bed and starring at the wall. So many hours & days pass this way. Browsing Internet is boring for me, reading books is boring, watching movies is boring. Even listening to music is boring. These all used to be my hobbies. Everything I knew, everything I liked has become s distant memory. The person who I was is completely gone. My identity is gone.
People around me are supportive and trying to help but they can't reach me anymore. They don't understand that my brain is really ill. They want back the person I used to be.They tell me these little lies how things will get better...But how? Honestly how?

I know exactly how you feel ReallyTired. One year ago, due to an aggravating but non-terminal medical condition, I fell into a deep depression. Exactly the symtoms you describe. No interest whatsoever in activities that used to bring me pleasure. Life has become nothing but a series of chores. And worst of all, since this has been my state for a year, a feeling of hopelessness that it will ever change. Like many here, SI and guilt over my survivors is all that keeps me going. I do have a method planned. Hell on earth.

 

[killedbypsychiatry]

All I do is lying in bed and starring at the wall. So many hours & days pass this way. Browsing Internet is boring for me, reading books is boring, watching movies is boring. Even listening to music is boring. These all used to be my hobbies. Everything I knew, everything I liked has become s distant memory. The person who I was is completely gone. My identity is gone.

I relate so much to this. I have horrible ssri induced Anhedonia and it completely changed me. I can't feel anything. All I do is lay in bed all day. I'm so numb and my brain can barely motivate itself to do anything. Even small stuff seems monumental. I've gotten to the point where even writing in this formun is hard. I hate this so so much. Anhedonia is so horrible. No one in my life understand that it's not that I'm lazy or something but that my brain is unable to produce the adequate chemicals. It's so awful. My memory also fails a lot. Sometimes my memory literally goes blank and I can't remember what I did minutes ago.

 

[fatefulstillness]

I have depersonalization/derealization disorder. It was caused by immense mental suffering I had to endure for many years without rest or escape, so something just broke in my head. I forgot years of my life, yet I still feel the suffering they represent like shadows that took their place.

I have my decent days, although they're generally bad. Sometimes I hear my thoughts in slow motion or like a permanent whisper, I lose sense of time or my skin becomes so sensitive I can't be touched without pain, sometimes I'm willing to stab myself because of how emotionally numb I can get, just to get out of it. There's this constant feeling that I'm hollow, this abyss I'm always looking at and a growing need to scream, but I can never bring myself to do it. I can get stuck in one position for hours staring into nothingness while panic grows in my chest but I can't move because my body is suddenly something I can't reach. Often times I feel like I float, but it burns, like I'm dizzy; I close my eyes and now I'm drowning. I'm a ghost, something that wasn't meant to survive, but somehow did.

It's not dementia, but there's still loss of self. I'm still not sure what to do with it. It's a pain that forever stings.

 

[Nightmare Painting]

I relate so much to this. I have horrible ssri induced Anhedonia and it completely changed me. I can't feel anything. All I do is lay in bed all day. I'm so numb and my brain can barely motivate itself to do anything. Even small stuff seems monumental. I've gotten to the point where even writing in this formun is hard. I hate this so so much. Anhedonia is so horrible. No one in my life understand that it's not that I'm lazy or something but that my brain is unable to produce the adequate chemicals. It's so awful. My memory also fails a lot. Sometimes my memory literally goes blank and I can't remember what I did minutes ago.

I've had anhedonia my entire life except mine is due to childhood trauma and isolation. I've never been motivated to do anything or enjoy the things that neurotypicals do. Emotional numbness, blank mind, attention span is non-existent, and my memories are fragmented or in a constant haze. Being anhedonic is like you're already dead except for the fact that you can still experience suffering.

 

[Feeding Pigeons]

Maybe even me? My depression is getting worse. I can't cope anymore. All I do is lying in bed and starring at the wall. So many hours & days pass this way. Browsing Internet is boring for me, reading books is boring, watching movies is boring. Even listening to music is boring. These all used to be my hobbies. Everything I knew, everything I liked has become s distant memory. The person who I was is completely gone. My identity is gone.

Yep. I hear you. I used to love doing those things too and one by one I became more incapable of doing them. I haven't taken medications for my depression in about a year and yet I feel drugged still. I feel like I move and think in slow motion, every day I take care of myself a little bit less. My parents are getting old. Soon we will we three people who need taking care of with nobody to do so. I look at the mountain I'd have to climb to get out of this hole and I think it eventually broke me.

I feel like parts of my mind are shutting down, I can't explain it perfectly but its like when a limb goes numb. Its not so much who I am as it is what I am. I've become lesser.