Is anyone else like me where they would only attempt suicide if it was both certain death and also completely painless and peaceful?
The fear of becoming crippled or brain damaged to the point where I no longer have authority over my life is greater than the fear of death for me, so I need to make sure that there is no chance for survival. There goes a lot of common methods like overdosing.
The next fear is my survival instinct coming in as I am dying or about to die. See the whole point of me killing myself is because life has become unbearable and there is no hope left. It's my way to cope for anxiety and stress as well. Now, imagine all of the terror, stress, anxiety, pain, and more discomfort I would feel if I chose a very painful method like slitting wrists or a method that is likely to trigger my survival instinct like hanging or jumping.
Lastly, I also have a personal preference of wanting to die peacefully. Like imagine your most peaceful day where you had a better time than usual and slept like a baby, except you don't wake up. I am trying to find a sure fire but peaceful way to die like that.
Still, I know that if I am desperate or impulsive enough I will probably go for an extremely lethal but painful and scary method. I hope that it doesn't come down to that as I've been in situations like that in the past and it was nothing but pure mental anguish.
I did flip coins with my suicide in the past though. I made very casual plans to kill myself where I did not take it too seriously, so it ends up being very relaxing and peaceful. Kinda like resigning myself to death and feeling very comfortable with my future. Very calming. I ordered supplies for an exit bag but did no extensive planning, and by my luck, my family who normally dont care for my stuff decided to open the boxes. They threw it out and that was all of my money. I made similar halfhearted attempts to kill myself and they all failed because something unexpected happens and I get distracted later either by new anime, video games, or the two friends I made through reddit who somehow kept talking to me? Not for long though...
But now though, I think my luck has run out. I will make another similar attempt and this time I will roll a 20 and die.