Knowing I will always be just an object, that my worth in life is determined only by how desirable I am to men is something that has destroyed me and so many others. It's all I wanted when I was younger, so I spent more time on that than actually doing something with my life. It's why I had an eating disorder that destroyed my teeth which now also makes me want to kill myself. I have to talk and laugh in a very particular way to hide the decay. It's why I starved myself and worked out excessively for years all just to destroy my body and feel empty in the end because being hot just isn't fulfilling even though I craved it because it's the only way for me to be recognized (i'm no professional with a career I love). At some point, you just want people to see you as a human being. I mean, us women crush on "ugly" men all the time because of their personality (at least I do), but men so rarely do the same. At some point, my looks will be gone entirely, which is all I ever had to begin with and I never genuinely had that. I'm a, have to wear makeup and spend 2-3 hours (among sooo many other things) to look hot and no one realizes the extent of it because I refuse to be seen without it. So even when men fall for me, I feel like a fraud because what attracted them to me isn't even real and I can't be around them all the time because I'm afraid of being found out so they always accuse me of being distant and pushing them away (which I do, but for that reason alone). I hate being a woman. It's such a cruel gender to be for far many reasons than this.
As for the OP, I understand what you mean. My suicidal thoughts went away after I started talking to this man I liked. Things started looking up, but then he fell off the face of the earth and I went right back into it. While I do suffer from mental illness, I still see the depression and wanting to kill myself as being very situational. Financial stress is another huge factor. So in a way, I'm someone who can be saved.. just not with words.
