This is gonna come off as angry, and it is. Sorry if it's uncomfortable for anyone. And sorry it's a wall of text, I suck at writing succinctly..
Got something of a bucket list to complete. This existence has taken or denied so much, and more still, as time goes on. It will not fucking take everything else. Currently exist out of sheer spite and stubbornness. I was 21 when I decided I've had enough of life, and intended to leave by 30. The ensuing four years have felt like eight. The plan hasn't changed, but numerous hold-ups in the biggest bucket list item, combined with chronic fatigue keeping me from working towards that end, certainly hasn't helped.
But for the most part, where circumstances don't preclude it, I'm spending my final years on my own terms. Partly as a "fuck you" to those whom've stolen so much, and caused such suffering. And you know what? It is unbelievably fucking liberating. Knowing how little it all matters in the end.
Trauma took my memory, and anything more than five years ahead is of course, moot. All I really have left, is the present.
So you're goddamn right I'm making what I can of it. Some goals have been met, but most I've been actively working on for years now - CPTSD and the need to keep busy, well, keeps me busy.
Sorry, I'm waffling again. Goals yet to be met:
Lose another 10kg (thanks for comfort eating as a coping mechanism, mum! And thanks doctors for the years of SSRIs with weight-gain side-effects, when as it turns out I was never depressed, I had complex fucking trauma, you negligent cunts. Already lost 25kg, so another 10 and I've undone the damage!)
Complete my new wardrobe (Because fuck it if I'm not going to finally dress the way I want, and frankly stop worrying what every other judgemental, hypocritical fuckwit thinks. It's not as if I've ever fit in or belonged anywhere anyway..)
Get a car (This one's more of a last-ditch attempt at getting back to volunteering on my biggest bucket list item. Because I don't currently drive, getting to and from this project is a 5-hour round trip, on top of 8 hours manual labour on the thing. Chronic fatigue doesn't play nice with this goal, and I will not allow it to take this one too.)
Complete "The Big One" (No, not the GTAV mission, the aforementioned mystery project that I can't describe because it'd dox me.)
Then the usual prep and tying of loose ends..
After that, no more. Then this can finally, FINALLY - come to an end.