Anxiety

[Seekingawayout]

I keep getting anxiety about CTB. I think it's more fear of failure then actually going through with it. Some moments I'm determined AF, others I'm scared AF. This morning I'm scared AF. Puking, heart racing, shaking. I took some benadryl which will hopefully help calm me down. I hate this.

 

[Lone_Traveler90]

It's normal, I had the same on monday, drunk as fuck holding bottle of wine and about 60 tablets of diphenhydramine and I was terrified of failure. It takes time I think and some good preparation.

 

[LaVieEnRose]

Would you like to share more about what's pushing you to CTB?

 

[Seekingawayout]

It's normal, I had the same on monday, drunk as fuck holding bottle of wine and about 60 tablets of diphenhydramine and I was terrified of failure. It takes time I think and some good preparation.

I've already attempted partial numerous times. I can get my sweet spot just fine, I'm comfortable, can breathe, but right when I'm about to go out... I stand up. So now I'm just going to remove the option of being able to stand by trying ankles and wrists, which still hopefully prevent that standing instinct. Last night I was calm about this idea. Determined. Looked up various knots and thought about how to tie myself. This morning...sheer terror. Lol
For 3 days straight I tried shallow water blackout, tourniquet, and partial. Partial is the only thing that seemed like it would work.
I wish I could go back to that feeling I had last night. Almost numb.

Would you like to share more about what's pushing you to CTB?

I've shared before. I have had chronic illness for 20 years and I'm just tired. The thought of another flare, another NG tube, another surgery.... I just can't. I'd like to go now while I'm able, because I could literally develop a bowel obstruction in a matter of hours and be begging for death but in too much pain to actually do so.

 

[neoyokio]

I've already attempted partial numerous times. I can get my sweet spot just fine, I'm comfortable, can breathe, but right when I'm about to go out... I stand up. So now I'm just going to remove the option of being able to stand by trying ankles and wrists, which still hopefully prevent that standing instinct. Last night I was calm about this idea. Determined. Looked up various knots and thought about how to tie myself. This morning...sheer terror. Lol
For 3 days straight I tried shallow water blackout, tourniquet, and partial. Partial is the only thing that seemed like it would work.
I wish I could go back to that feeling I had last night. Almost numb.

I've shared before. I have had chronic illness for 20 years and I'm just tired. The thought of another flare, another NG tube, another surgery.... I just can't. I'd like to go now while I'm able, because I could literally develop a bowel obstruction in a matter of hours and be begging for death but in too much pain to actually do so.

Just wanted to say I relate. Tired of my chronic illness and just want to go. Also have severe anxiety around this whole ctb process, haven't figured it out myself. It's cruel there isn't a peaceful quick way to go that's accessible for people between the cracks of terminal illness and manageable illness.

 

[Seekingawayout]

Just wanted to say I relate. Tired of my chronic illness and just want to go. Also have severe anxiety around this whole ctb process, haven't figured it out myself. It's cruel there isn't a peaceful quick way to go that's accessible for people between the cracks of terminal illness and manageable illness.

Yeah, we're just expected to keep taking the pain, try therapy after therapy to see if they find the right mix of meds/lifestyle/whatever. It's exhausting.

 

[FuneralCry]

I really do understand having the fear of failing ctb, that is what terrifies me and keeps me here in this awful world. It's disgusting to deny people peaceful and reliable ways to exit, like people have already suffered enough in life so they shouldn't have to suffer so much in finding ways to leave this world. But anyway, I hope that you find the freedom that you wish for, it makes sense why you would feel so tired being trapped in that situation.

 

[Seekingawayout]

I really do understand having the fear of failing ctb, that is what terrifies me and keeps me here in this awful world. It's disgusting to deny people peaceful and reliable ways to exit, like people have already suffered enough in life so they shouldn't have to suffer so much in finding ways to leave this world. But anyway, I hope that you find the freedom that you wish for, it makes sense why you would feel so tired being trapped in that situation.

I'm determined to do it before the weekend is up. I have to wait until everyone is asleep with their doors closed so I can close and lock mine. They don't go investigating noises or anything so I doubt some shuffling/rustling from my room would even register. They'll probably think it's one our pets. They can be loud at night sometimes.
Realistically, I know my anchor will hold. I've already hung on it like 30 times. I know the rope will hold. I've used it 30 times. But in the back of my head "it will break. You'll be brain damaged. Or everyone will know what tried and your life will change for the worse forever." Ugh.

 

[my-end]

I hope you can relax and welcome the change.

 

[Seekingawayout]

I hope you can relax and welcome the change.

I am much calmer at the moment. That may change when I'm face to face with the noose, though. I wish I could just walk up there, spend whatever time I need to prepare myself and do it. But I live with others and it limits my opportunity. That rush to do it while they are asleep really puts the pressure on.

 

[my-end]

I commented on your other thread.