Anxiety over being single is really weighing me down - any advice?

[benetar_apologist]

I'm 26 so I can't fall back on the "you still have lots of time" excuse anymore...I've never been in a relationship before and now that I live alone I'm starting to really feel the effect of not having a single person I can confide in at certain times. I have a few close friends and family I can turn to, but there's a limit to how much and how frequently I can really go to them, since they have their own lives and relationships and I'm not their first priority.

Some of my (not close) friends are getting married soon and most people's entire lives revolve around their relationships...if you aren't in one you're definitely looked at with a worse lens and excluded from a lot of things (not to mention constantly patronized about it, if not outright criticized). All they talk about is their weddings and they really don't even ask or care about what's going on in my life, because I guess nothing really interests them outside of relationships.

I feel like the only one missing out on being included in basic human society, and the older I get and the longer I go without any relationship experience, the less forgiving potential partners will be about it in the future...which means I end up old and alone with no one who cares about me as my friends all have their own families...

Does anyone have any constructive advice on how to deal with these anxieties, other than just telling myself some cope (I can't lie to myself so that doesn't work for me)? Thinking about this is really messing me up and I can't even concentrate on things I used to enjoy anymore.

 

[mortuarymary]

Why do you want a relationshi? Keep up appearances with friends etc or do you want to be in love. Would that solve a lot of problems.

 

[benetar_apologist]

Why do you want a relationshi? Keep up appearances with friends etc or do you want to be in love. Would that solve a lot of problems.

Thanks for responding, also really appreciate your advice with my post about my dog :)

I'm not really sure what being in love is like, I think I want it but I've never really felt anything other than unrequited love (or maybe infatuation?) or lust - so I can't say for sure.

I can concretely say I think I need someone who's just there for me/cares about me and is willing to help cheer me up when things are stressful and hard in daily life. I'd want to do the same things in return too.

But I have to be honest too, in the past I turned some really amazing people down before for superficial reasons, so that's also in the background...I really regret doing that now and I wouldn't make the same mistake again, but I don't think I'll get those opportunities again anytime soon. I feel like there's so much confusing messaging about love. People only talk about the emotional side but everyone knows for 99% of people it's somewhat superficial as well. But few people acknowledge that. So because of that it's somewhat hard for me to even know what I really want.

But I definitely want the dedicated emotional support from somewhere, and I feel like not having it is making my life very difficult these days. And I feel like it's almost impossible to get that outside of a romantic relationship in this day and age.

 

[Aloneandinpain]

I'm just curious to experience what love and intimacy would feel like.

I guess we all crave what we can't have.

 

[Nofuture1234]

I'm your same age and it's my main reason for wanting to CTB, you're not alone and I sympathize. Hard to get advice on coping with it because those who haven't experienced what real loneliness is like really can't seem to wrap their heads around the reality of it, and inevitably take what they have for granted.
Seconding the request for real advice.

 

[tabletop]

26 is VERY YOUNG! I just want to say that you do in fact have LOTS OF TIME left in your life!

One of the biggest challenges in mental struggles is the lies we tell ourselves. The lies we tell ourselves are much worse than the lies others tell us. Because if we lied to ourselves we really believe it. I am 36 and I still have lots of time left for flings or relationships if one did so desire. Flings are where it's at though. You see. Humans are very toxic and abusive. They're cool as friends but once close relationships form the abuse starts. The arguing, ignoring, yelling, name calling. None of this is okay. It really makes me sick how human are less respectful and more abusive once a closer relationship is formed. I think it should be the opposite. When a close relationship is formed we should have more respect for that person than we would for a stranger on the street.

Okay so a relationship or marriage will do nothing to make you happy. N O T H I N G. No other human being could ever possibly do anything to make you happy. I know it's MUCH easier said than done. But if you can't make yourself happy on your own, than being in a relationship won't help. A potential partner won't make you happy. I've been there, I've tried. I promise you're hanging your hopes on something that won't help you even if you achieve it.

Why are these other people you mention getting married? Because they're insecure and they need permission from religion and approval from the government for their personal relationships? Is their "love" for each other not enough? Are they in love? What's their relationship like behind closed doors? Marriage only adds pressure to a relationship which isn't helpful. You know, it's EXTREMELY common for married couples to stop having sex. Cause it gets boring or they get tired of each other. Do you want a roomie that you don't even have sex with? I've slept with these married women who don't have sex with their husband in years. Do you want to be that husband? It's also very common to be verbally abusive. And for couples to say "let me get permission from my spouse" as if they aren't adult to make decisions on their own. For example going out with friends.

Comparing yourself to others and expecting yourself to be like everyone else is indeed a recipe for mental disaster. This is why social media is so toxic. Sure, it'd be GREAT to have a honest partner with integrity. There are very few humans like that though. I am FAR better off being single. Doing what I want WHEN I want is far better than being in an expensive abusive relationship.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I'm 44 and have never been in a relationship and likely never will now. When I was your age, it troubled me a lot more. Partly because I did want it myself. Partly like you say because other people judge you badly for it.

What tends to help me is to actually look at relationships out there. Even in the good ones, couples bicker. Money is often a contentious issue. Many relationships are outright abusive. I tend to think I'm better off without all that.

Plus, I'm aware that it's likely the idea of love that I like- rather than the real thing. I suspect all of my crazy crushes were limerence too and if I think about it- had they been interested in me in return, I don't think any of those relationships would have ended well. I'm glad I didn't end up heart broken.

I have learned to value my independence too. Things improved so much for me when I realised that I wasn't just some bitter femcel. Part of my situation I realise is because it's what I want now. That feels more empowering.

 

[tabletop]

When my family was still together my mother sought therapy for her depression. My dad got extremely jealous that she might be talking about him in therapy and he used the church to insist they do therapy together. His refusal to allow her to get help for her depression was the beginning of the end for my broken up family. Many of us have disowned others and my mother is the only person I'm related to that I'm willing to talk to. They mostly value religion over truth and since the christian bible is inherently abusive (love me or burn in fire) they don't value known psychology.

A woman I knew a few years and dated a few months. We had big arguments very early on. I asked her if I could share articles with her about relationship challenges and mental health. Known and accepted psychology and problem solving skills. She said she would like it. But it did nothing to help. And after I broke up with her a friend tole me she confided in him and told him she HATED me sharing the articles to try to help. She was lying to my face from day one the whole time about liking learning about relationship problem solving.

Humans will fight you every step of the way and will insist on lying and being abusive and not being honest about their feelings. Humans are driven by feelings, not logic and facts. Our brains only care about repetition, not facts. One of the biggest mental challenges is convincing your own self to believe actual facts over what's been repeated to yourself. Fortunately you can use repetition on yourself to change this.
You wanted practical advice for dealing with anxieties about being single and lonely. To summarize I am trying to practically help you understand that while a great relationship will NOT help you. You're more likely to get a bad relationship that will actually worsen your mental health.

As for forming good healthy relationships with others while remaining completely honest. How To Win Friends And Influence people is a GREAT book that talks about that. It is an incredible book. For a better understanding of how relationships are formed often with dishonesty The Art Of Seduction by Robert Greene is a good and entertaining book on that. That book can however also be used to learn better skills for honestly forming relationships too. Both these books are available to listen to for free on youtube. It took me YEARS to finally start reading books and self help books about human psychology. That helped me so much. Perhaps it could you too. I'm not saying you can easily forget about your desire for love and intimacy. I still have that desire and I'm sure it'll never leave me. Porn and happy ending massages help a lot with this lol, it really does. But if you try to shift your focus and explore your own psychology with the goal of learning to make yourself happy without others. That is rather helpful but not a full solution. Can't have a good relationship without an honest partner.

And don't forget the brain isn't considered fully developed until age 25. You're 26? You are only just now fully developed. The idea that we should decide who we will be in an exclusive relationship with for the rest of our lives before our brains even finish developing is beyond silly. It's downright wrong and toxic. But hey, that's what you get when we let religion shape society.

At What Age Is The Brain Fully Developed?

It is widely debated as to which age the brain is considered "fully mature" or developed. In the past, many experts believed that the brain may have been done d

mentalhealthdaily.com

 

[Pluto]

This is a difficult one.

It is painful to basically lose friends because their (married) world is so unrelatable. Yet as we age, we find that many of those marriages end in absolute disaster and suddenly we find ourselves very lucky to have dodged a bullet.

In saying that, it is not actually good advice to suggest openly avoiding relationships. When I was 41 I finally started to enter the world of physical fitness instead of making excuses. I wish I could have started decades prior because it benefits this situation at many levels, by making you more viscerally attractive and feeling more attractive as well. In short, energy on self-improvement is well-spent.

 

[SexyIncél]

People should study relationships with the seriousness they study work...

But I definitely want the dedicated emotional support from somewhere, and I feel like not having it is making my life very difficult these days. And I feel like it's almost impossible to get that outside of a romantic relationship in this day and age.

This is gender specific, so I checked & saw you're male. I think you actually did well, working on your life so you're financially stable & independent! This puts you in a greater position to execute however you please...

So it helps to understand (roughly) men's current role. I think bell hooks had it right. I just ever-so-slightly altered what she said, adding the words "redpill" & "bluepill":

When we love maleness, we extend our love whether males are performing or not. Performance is different from simply being.

• In patriarchal culture (redpill): males are not allowed simply to be who they are and to glory in their unique identity. Their value is always determined by what they do.
• In an anti-patriarchal culture (bluepill): males do not have to prove their value and worth. They know from birth that simply being gives them value, the right to be cherished and loved.

When in patriarchy, do as the redpillers do...

Now, you want "dedicated emotional support". Basically a holy grail of relationships. May require someone (with compatible virtues) falling in love with you. And once you have it, there should be progress: you're a building in disrepair, and soon you can show the new foundations & renovations

So then, how does someone fall in love with you? Casey Zander focuses on this. He claims that if you do everything right on paper — work out, financial success, etc — you nevertheless end up too boring & predictable to have the masculine edge & spirit that arouses women

Now, how to get one's masculine edge & spirit? First understanding what it means to be a man: integrity & daring. Socrates mentioned this: "You do not speak well, my friend, if you think that a man who is worth something ought to calculate the risks of living and dying, instead of considering only, when he acts, whether he is acting justly or unjustly, and whether his deeds are those of a good man or a bad one."

Whatever he meant, we can say a "good man" — that is, a badass — acts according to internal moral impulses. Not just cling to life. Maybe increase pleasure in the world, or reduce suffering — the two poles of positive & negative utilitarianism

(As usual, here's the redpill advisers I like: Orion Taraban, Fresh&Fit, Alexander Grace, Casey Zander)

 

[Andrews]

Just as tabletop said, if you can't be happy with yourself and your life, a relationship won't change that too much.
When two people are at peace with themselves and not needing anything from the outside to make them happy, that's when a relationship starts, all by itself, without much effort. Love is like the third element, which appears between the two, when the right conditions are met.

Love is very "picky" and incompatible with hate, fear, defeatism, attachment, greediness, vanity, lust, etc.
Ask yourself how much love is in the relationships that your seeing around? Is it more like they're trying to create an image around themselves, of being successful? Is the partner in the same category as the car, the house, the vacation, the expensive pet etc? Something like... I need all of this, because that's how success looks like. Moreover I am so great, obviously someone's in love with me.

 

[sadwriter]

26 is VERY YOUNG! I just want to say that you do in fact have LOTS OF TIME left in your life!

Took the words right out of my mouth!! Society's whole "if you don't get married before 30 you're gonna die a sad, lonely fuck" attitude is so stupid. It's never too late for a person to find love.

It's really hard how much romantic relationships are prioritized as the most "important" source of emotional support in one's life, honestly. Friendships are really important too, but it's sad & true that a lot of people don't see platonic relationships as a place for the same level of emotional intimacy.

I think what Andrews said is smart, though. Some people may look down on those who aren't in relationships, but are you really the flawed one in that situation, or is it their attitude? To go back to the bell hooks quote... you really don't need a relationship to "prove" your worth, because you have value on your own! That being said, I also know that it can get lonely being single, and not having relationship experience can definitely make a person feel insecure as hell. There are, however, people out there who won't look down on your for that and will be patient about your lack of experience. I guess the task is to find them, at the end of the day...

 

[SexyIncél]

Took the words right out of my mouth!! Society's whole "if you don't get married before 30 you're gonna die a sad, lonely fuck" attitude is so stupid. It's never too late for a person to find love.

Yeah, even redpillers point out that men's relationship bargaining power outstrips women, past 30. On average. The usual advice is to be adventurous & build your skills during 20s. Like you're a company or something

In contrast, they claim women start hitting a wall past 30

That said, it's really nice to have deep love before then. It can drive you. It's always worth playing the game, even if you fail. As long as failure doesn't destroy you

 

[UKscotty]

The only way is to actually get some relationships and practice.

Theory and over thinking it will do only so much.

I'd say don't waste your time on crap like Tinder, this is not eBay.

Join some book clubs, gym, coffee groups, running clubs etc. Men and women are both in the same boat.

If you follow any guys like Corey, Tate or Peterson, unfollow and delete them scammers.

I didn't get my first GF till 31 and have now had a few, despite lots of MH and addiction issues.

 

[tabletop]

Or OP can just not worry about getting into a relationship at all, ever. Sure be open to it if a strong friendship shows potential for more. But be cautious, take lots of time to really get to know someone, and don't just accept any woman who touches you in your swimsuit spots. I mean, the more he sets goals and expectations that he be in a relationship or married the more likely he is to be let down by failure. Many of us go to the grave never getting married or having a LTR and there is nothing wrong with that. What's wrong and self defeating is to expect one does and to think there is something wrong with one's self for not doing so.

To be honest I think it's the married and LTR serious relationship people who have the bad end of the deal. I've rarely seen couples who are actually okay with their partner doing what they want when they want spending their money how they want. Often not letting them be who they want to be. Ya gotta watch out too for women who try to "fix" men. They'll almost never be satisfied with you and are toxic af.
Relationships/dating, and marriage is also expensive. I know a couple who's been together for fifteen years. During COVID they both got laid off from their jobs. Only one of them ever did get another job. The other still has never tried to get another job while the other works and struggles to support her and their child. She also spent all of their combined savings while he went to work. Relationships and marriage aren't the key to happiness. They often worsen your emotional state.

Those in relationships believe they get sex for free. But nothing could be further from the truth. They trade oh so much more than money for it. It all costs money. But in a relationship also time, freedom, privacy, mental energy. Emotional health gets put at risk. Happy ending massages are so much cheaper. Cheaper than a single date in money alone. And that's all that's paid is money. I don't have to worry about finding someone who likes me as a type. Or trying to impress. IF I tell others about it in person I'm looked at it differently and even recently was told by a co-worker well I'm going to go home and get it for free from my wife. He has kids too. He pays so much more money for it than I do plus he trades off sooo many other things for it. What's it cost to house and feed 3 children?

OP do you have married friends you can talk to and hear first hand how "great" being married is?


Oh and then you've got those partners who become dissatisfied with you and the relationship. Then they begin withdrawing from you without telling you there is a problem or making an effort. Usually this is due to a fear of confrontation. Often because they've been abused before. And they're used to being abused in response to trying to discuss a problem. But it doesn't change the fact that a problem can't be solved if it isn't brought up. It is indeed mental abuse to commit to someone then withdraw over an issue they refuse to discuss. I don't even play that dumb game anymore. Why doesn't she say she loves me or hug me as much? Why? Now if a woman begins withdrawing and hasn't discussed why I just end the relationship. Otherwise they'd string me along cause they're too scared to end it themselves. Whenever I've confronted them for withdrawing there's always been a reason too that they then told me after they withdrew. They have an idea in their head of how they think things should. You opinion, problem solving skills, and frankly yourself doesn't matter to them in those situations to them.

You don't want those sick disgusting games they play man. I'm just trying to express how fortunate and lucky you are to not have been chosen by one of these toxic humans. If you ever find yourself in one of these toxic situations run fast and far and don't look back. They're more concerned with themselves than they are you, no matter what they say. You too should be more concerned with yourself than them. Equal relationships are so rare I'm not even sure it's a thing.

 

[Nofuture1234]

Or OP can just not worry about getting into a relationship at all, ever. Sure be open to it if a strong friendship shows potential for more. But be cautious, take lots of time to really get to know someone, and don't just accept any woman who touches you in your swimsuit spots. I mean, the more he sets goals and expectations that he be in a relationship or married the more likely he is to be let down by failure. Many of us go to the grave never getting married or having a LTR and there is nothing wrong with that. What's wrong and self defeating is to expect one does and to think there is something wrong with one's self for not doing so.

To be honest I think it's the married and LTR serious relationship people who have the bad end of the deal. I've rarely seen couples who are actually okay with their partner doing what they want when they want spending their money how they want. Often not letting them be who they want to be. Ya gotta watch out too for women who try to "fix" men. They'll almost never be satisfied with you and are toxic af.
Relationships/dating, and marriage is also expensive. I know a couple who's been together for fifteen years. During COVID they both got laid off from their jobs. Only one of them ever did get another job. The other still has never tried to get another job while the other works and struggles to support her and their child. She also spent all of their combined savings while he went to work. Relationships and marriage aren't the key to happiness. They often worsen your emotional state.

Those in relationships believe they get sex for free. But nothing could be further from the truth. They trade oh so much more than money for it. It all costs money. But in a relationship also time, freedom, privacy, mental energy. Emotional health gets put at risk. Happy ending massages are so much cheaper. Cheaper than a single date in money alone. And that's all that's paid is money. I don't have to worry about finding someone who likes me as a type. Or trying to impress. IF I tell others about it in person I'm looked at it differently and even recently was told by a co-worker well I'm going to go home and get it for free from my wife. He has kids too. He pays so much more money for it than I do plus he trades off sooo many other things for it. What's it cost to house and feed 3 children?

OP do you have married friends you can talk to and hear first hand how "great" being married is?


Oh and then you've got those partners who become dissatisfied with you and the relationship. Then they begin withdrawing from you without telling you there is a problem or making an effort. Usually this is due to a fear of confrontation. Often because they've been abused before. And they're used to being abused in response to trying to discuss a problem. But it doesn't change the fact that a problem can't be solved if it isn't brought up. It is indeed mental abuse to commit to someone then withdraw over an issue they refuse to discuss. I don't even play that dumb game anymore. Why doesn't she say she loves me or hug me as much? Why? Now if a woman begins withdrawing and hasn't discussed why I just end the relationship. Otherwise they'd string me along cause they're too scared to end it themselves. Whenever I've confronted them for withdrawing there's always been a reason too that they then told me after they withdrew. They have an idea in their head of how they think things should. You opinion, problem solving skills, and frankly yourself doesn't matter to them in those situations to them.

You don't want those sick disgusting games they play man. I'm just trying to express how fortunate and lucky you are to not have been chosen by one of these toxic humans. If you ever find yourself in one of these toxic situations run fast and far and don't look back. They're more concerned with themselves than they are you, no matter what they say. You too should be more concerned with yourself than them. Equal relationships are so rare I'm not even sure it's a thing.

Hearing this kind of stuff honestly makes me feel better, thank you. I'm trying to be careful to not come off sarcastic because this is a much more realistic perspective on relationships than TV, social media, etc. Much more in line with the relationships I've actually witnessed. Being an ugly short guy makes me even less likely to find a woman who's actually attracted to me or really respects me. And of course that quiet resentment is going to result in passive aggression, nagging, dead bedroom, etc. Maybe the best looking guys get it better but even then probably not.
It's just hard feeling any motivation or ambition when I've basically experienced all I'm ever gonna experience. Life just seems so endless and boring alone, even when you know you're better off. I just end up wishing I had the genes to actually have a real relationship. I hate that this biological instinct can't be removed because I don't think I'd care that much about it if my body didn't force me to think about it. It doesn't make much logical sense to be so obsessed over it besides that it's instinctual