Venting Anxiety, Alcoholism and now Parkinsons

[IrishBug]

Hey,

I have long suffered from anxiety mostly stemming from growing up around my alcoholic father, this developed into depression and I turned to Alcohol myself.

I ended up isolating myself from my entire family and all but one friend for over a decade and everyday just went to work came home and drank my sorrows away.

During this time of isolation I went to rehab a few times and other psychiatric places. Somehow I managed to keep my head above water and maintain a job.

A few years back I developed I tremor down my left side, it was minor at first and I ignored it but it became increasingly worse and I found my stress, anxiety and depression seriously elevated. I started to suspect this was more than just a side effect of psych meds and went to my docs who referred me to a neurologist who referred me to a second neurologist who has diagnosed me with Parkinson's.

I have reconnected with my family but can't ask for or expect much support given my long absence. I am a few weeks into taking medication for parkinsons and whilst sometimes it helps it is very up and down and I'm very concerned about my prospects long term.

I don't particularly want to die but I also don't want to suffer needlessly and end up in a position where I am so dysfunctional that I couldn't independently end things if I needed. My state has voluntary Euthanasia laws but you have to be 4 weeks away from dying before being eligible so its not going to be sympathetic to my plight.

I'm certainly going to give the meds a good chance to work, maybe my life will turn around but its very hard to feel optimistic at this point.

Thank you for reading my vent / story.

 

[TennTrixie]

I'm sorry you're going through this. I know it must be scary. I'm going through some health issues myself that makes me worry about being able to do something when the time comes.

 

[suffering_mo]

Hey,

I have long suffered from anxiety mostly stemming from growing up around my alcoholic father, this developed into depression and I turned to Alcohol myself.

I ended up isolating myself from my entire family and all but one friend for over a decade and everyday just went to work came home and drank my sorrows away.

During this time of isolation I went to rehab a few times and other psychiatric places. Somehow I managed to keep my head above water and maintain a job.

A few years back I developed I tremor down my left side, it was minor at first and I ignored it but it became increasingly worse and I found my stress, anxiety and depression seriously elevated. I started to suspect this was more than just a side effect of psych meds and went to my docs who referred me to a neurologist who referred me to a second neurologist who has diagnosed me with Parkinson's.

I have reconnected with my family but can't ask for or expect much support given my long absence. I am a few weeks into taking medication for parkinsons and whilst sometimes it helps it is very up and down and I'm very concerned about my prospects long term.

I don't particularly want to die but I also don't want to suffer needlessly and end up in a position where I am so dysfunctional that I couldn't independently end things if I needed. My state has voluntary Euthanasia laws but you have to be 4 weeks away from dying before being eligible so its not going to be sympathetic to my plight.

I'm certainly going to give the meds a good chance to work, maybe my life will turn around but its very hard to feel optimistic at this point.

Thank you for reading my vent / story.

Just wanted to empathize with you. I am suffering immensely from my injury/condition. Life was hard before but I found satisfaction in it. I didn't/don't want to die (though I was always ok with death), mostly I don't want to suicide. But I can't live like this so I am going to have to. There's no other way for me because what I am suffering isn't sustainable and there's nothing that can help. Hopefully, the treatments and meds will help you, though, and you can still have a satisfying life. Hugs.

 

[nibbleone]

Hey,

I have long suffered from anxiety mostly stemming from growing up around my alcoholic father, this developed into depression and I turned to Alcohol myself.

I ended up isolating myself from my entire family and all but one friend for over a decade and everyday just went to work came home and drank my sorrows away.

During this time of isolation I went to rehab a few times and other psychiatric places. Somehow I managed to keep my head above water and maintain a job.

A few years back I developed I tremor down my left side, it was minor at first and I ignored it but it became increasingly worse and I found my stress, anxiety and depression seriously elevated. I started to suspect this was more than just a side effect of psych meds and went to my docs who referred me to a neurologist who referred me to a second neurologist who has diagnosed me with Parkinson's.

I have reconnected with my family but can't ask for or expect much support given my long absence. I am a few weeks into taking medication for parkinsons and whilst sometimes it helps it is very up and down and I'm very concerned about my prospects long term.

I don't particularly want to die but I also don't want to suffer needlessly and end up in a position where I am so dysfunctional that I couldn't independently end things if I needed. My state has voluntary Euthanasia laws but you have to be 4 weeks away from dying before being eligible so its not going to be sympathetic to my plight.

I'm certainly going to give the meds a good chance to work, maybe my life will turn around but its very hard to feel optimistic at this point.

Thank you for reading my vent / story.

How old are you? Early onset Parkinson's?

 

[IrishBug]

How old are you? Early onset Parkinson's?

I am in my early 40's. Yep early onset or Young Parkinson's I think they call it. From what I have read it is becoming more common for younger people to get Parkinson's.

 

[suffering_mo]

I am in my early 40's. Yep early onset or Young Parkinson's I think they call it. From what I have read it is becoming more common for younger people to get Parkinson's.

It's probably from all the chemicals and meds that we are putting in our bodies, TBH.

 

[IrishBug]

My Parkinson's has progressed quite a bit now, the tremor in my left arm can get pretty wild and the left leg tremor is starting to become a problem. I'm currently on a high dose of Levodopa five times a day but on a good day it only provides about 60 minutes of relief per dose. Sometimes it randomly doesn't work at all especially if I'm stressed.

My neurologist has recommended Deep Brain Stimulation as I am near the max dose of levodopa. Initially I was quite keen as taking this much levodopa takes a toll but it's hard to justify brain surgery for a chance at relief when I know the disease is progressive anyway. The mental health side is often the hardest part. anhedonia is pretty much at 100% now so I don't get any pleasure from doing anything and everything feels like a huge effort. Which makes sense as Parkinson's is caused by a dopamine deficiency

I've had to stop working because my job is very stressful which accelerated my symptoms. I suspect stress was the reason this came on so young and progressed so fast.

I think I've given this a good enough of a go now so I am back to research a satisfactory way to CTB. I've got enough savings to last a few years but I would like to go sooner rather than later.

I am looking into SN and I think I've found DSL. Back when you could order N (a fairly long time ago) I placed a order and the police came and took me to hospital so I need to make sure I am a bit more careful this time. I think they traced my bitcoin back then so I am looking into which payment option might be best, I am thinking a prepaid credit card or USDT might be the go. I have plenty of antiemetics as when I first started levodopa I would feel quite nauseas and I saved them.

I wonder if it is worth exploring euthanasia through another country while I can still travel. The biggest concern is I spend all my money and for some reason I don't qualify and I would be in an even worse position.

 

[jackiebrown67]

Oof, anhedonia. I used to be such a happy person but, I have an increasingly worsening illness by the days and I dont have much time. I read your post over the others because I feel like, its the illness that's killing me, I dont necessarily want to die but, its just going to get worse and its already stressing me out. I dont want to experience the fall from grace, however selfish that may sound. Its like, great for people that can hack it, make it work but I just dont want to go through needless suffering. I dont believe there is a consolation prize for that, its just luck of the draw. Its unfortunate. I would say I hope it gets better for you but, it probably isnt going to. Asl, Lou gehrigs disease would have been easier since you usually dont suffer for more than a couple of years. This has a chance of me spending more of my life being sick than not being sick, decades. Im not looking forward to it, it gives me something to look forward to on this site and I am glad I found it. Ive used the suicide hotline, they are only there to talk you down from an immediate threat, its not really support. I hope you are able to make a decision that brings you relief and that you can "live with it."