Leichter Kampfwagen
(LK I)
- Dec 24, 2023
- 93
I've been putting this shit off for way too long now. It's difficult because the more pain I'm in, the less I am able to work on CTB, and the less pain I'm in, the harder it is to find the motivation to work on CTB. It's also counterintuitive because while my desire to end it is higher when I'm in more pain, I'm actually less willing to, as the pain causes turmoil which brings doubt. In my current numbed state I have less impetus to CTB, but significantly less doubts and reservations, so I think I'm actually more equipped to go through with it overall.
I've also tried doing things that increase my pain, such as sleep deprivation and increased isolation and rumination, and they haven't gotten me any further towards CTB. This is all the more reason to try and make this happen now while I'm more numb than in the future where I will likely be in more pain again (my current life situation is unsustainable, financially and otherwise).
However, the problem still stands. My life is currently neutral, so there's no real impetus for me to get the ball rolling on this. There will come a day where my circumstances change, and I would rather not be here when they do. I also do not want to prolong the situation any more than I already have, as it has lasted over two years now and could continue for many more. I would prefer to go out now than continue to be a resource drain. There's also the failure aspect. Someone who kills themself at 21 seems like less of a failure than a 35 year old *insert failure criterion here* even if it makes no rational sense.
Maybe it's like one of those things where the hardest part is just starting? Right now it feels like I'm staring up a giant mountain that is researching the methods, planning, and execution. It's not even about the CTB aspect. It's the same feeling when you have a daunting project that you need to get started on. Like staring at the blank sheet of paper for the massive essay you have to write.
Maybe I need to just dedicate like 10 minutes a day to just doing it? I don't know what do to at this point. Pomodoro technique? Lol.
I'm beginning to fear that I will never be able to CTB.
I've also tried doing things that increase my pain, such as sleep deprivation and increased isolation and rumination, and they haven't gotten me any further towards CTB. This is all the more reason to try and make this happen now while I'm more numb than in the future where I will likely be in more pain again (my current life situation is unsustainable, financially and otherwise).
However, the problem still stands. My life is currently neutral, so there's no real impetus for me to get the ball rolling on this. There will come a day where my circumstances change, and I would rather not be here when they do. I also do not want to prolong the situation any more than I already have, as it has lasted over two years now and could continue for many more. I would prefer to go out now than continue to be a resource drain. There's also the failure aspect. Someone who kills themself at 21 seems like less of a failure than a 35 year old *insert failure criterion here* even if it makes no rational sense.
Maybe it's like one of those things where the hardest part is just starting? Right now it feels like I'm staring up a giant mountain that is researching the methods, planning, and execution. It's not even about the CTB aspect. It's the same feeling when you have a daunting project that you need to get started on. Like staring at the blank sheet of paper for the massive essay you have to write.
Maybe I need to just dedicate like 10 minutes a day to just doing it? I don't know what do to at this point. Pomodoro technique? Lol.
I'm beginning to fear that I will never be able to CTB.
