Story another day

[hug]

Last night I actually pressed the trigger, there was only one bullet in the revolver, I pressed it once and it didn't work, a second time and it didn't work, the third time I saw a bright light and I turned it off on the sofa in the living room. I woke up the other day looking at the gun on the table for almost 5 minutes in shock, I felt a huge pain in my chest, and I laughed hysterically, I remembered a lot of things, that I had clients waiting for me in the office and that I needed to go there and I just went . For me, this was not an ordinary day, not by a long shot. I keep having destructive thoughts.

 

[LaVieEnRose]

Well, I admire you for still attending to your work while having to put up a facade of normalcy and managing the storm swirling inside. I hope you have support around you in case it gets to be too much.

 

[hug]

Thanks for saying that I still try to keep up appearances even though it's hard

Well, I admire you for still attending to your work while having to put up a facade of normalcy and managing the storm swirling inside. I hope you have support around you in case it gets to be too much.

 

[tpboy]

Thanks for saying that I still try to keep up appearances even though it's hard

Let me try and get this straight, you are playing Russian roulette with yourself?

 

[hug]

Let me try and get this straight, you are playing Russian roulette with yourself?

Yes.

 

[locked*n*loaded]

Personally, I'm of the mindset that suicide should/needs to be deliberate, not done by chance, leaving it to the "universe" to decide for you. To each their own, though, I guess.

 

[hug]

Personally, I'm of the mindset that suicide should/needs to be deliberate, not done by chance, leaving it to the "universe" to decide for you. To each their own, though, I guess.

You're really right, at that moment I had only thought about the people who suffered because of me and read the letter I sent to my brother before I disappeared. I felt enormous pain, and because I haven't found my brother yet I haven't done it directly, but sometimes I think if I stopped existing, people who had a relationship with me could have suffered less