usernamesarehard
Student
- Dec 22, 2021
- 107
FUCK
I hate my life so much.
I keep on flip floping on how I feel. I can't just be consistent.
One minute I hate my ex for leaving me. The next I'm hurt that he left. One minute everything's fine and I'm planning to ctb when I'm 28 the next I'm miserable and planning to ctb next year.
I talked to him not too long ago. He said he had no intention on seeing anyone anytime soon and if he did it wouldn't be serious it would just be a fwb thing. And fuck that hurts. The thought that he could be sleeping with other women hurts.
I'm on tinder now. I get tons of matches, but very few conversations. It's hard for me to find someone on tinder because being physically attractive just isn't enough for me. I need to know a person's personality before I can have any real attraction to them. I'm just swiping, looking for someone like my ex. Tall (for the record he was 5'10" and that's basically what I'm looking for the whole 6' thing is dumb IMO), handsome, has or is working toward a good well paying job, fit, is willing to commit to me, finds me beautiful.
FUCK. I think I'm just going to ctb next year whether I really 'want' to or not. Or maybe I won't? Maybe I should just get off of tinder and focus on other stuff? But I don't leave the house, so I won't find anyone that way. And as much as I want to wait, I honestly don't think he's coming back. He doesn't love me, he doesn't want me and waiting will just be a mistake.
God I'm so tired. I'm so tired of wanting him. I'm so tired of being unable to find anyone. I'm so tired of life. Why am I waiting again? Why not just ctb this year? November's not too far away. Only 5 months. Techinally 4 if you don't count November itself.
At least it's not a year. A whole fucking year of repressing my sexuality, of constantly wondering who he's with, of flipping between being ok and wanting to die. A whole fucking year of being here. Venting to random people online. Hoping someone, ANYONE, reads this and replies. And it's not even a year! It's much longer than that. It's almost a year and a half! A fucking year and a half.
I know he used to be suicidal. Part of me hopes that he's on this website that he reads my threads and reaches out. But I know that's not going to happen. It's very unlikely he knows this site even exists. And if he did reach out, then what? He doesn't want me, we're not getting back together. Part of me wants to just be able to talk about these feelings with someone. And I trust him. I can't really talk to anyone else. I have one friend and I can't talk about this stuff with her. And I can't talk to my family for obvious reasons.
So here I am. Screaming into the void. With my mom's cat at my side.
I made a post about leaving a suicide note. I've decided to compile all my posts/ replies into a kind of suicide note. Well, I plan on writing an actual note addressed to him, so I guess it's a suicide note companion piece? This is the only place where I talk about these feelings so if my main goal is to describe my feelings in as much detail as possible to paint a full picture so he can completely understand my thoughts these posts are probably the only way I could do that.
God, I'm so fucking tired. I've been depressed probably since I was a sophomore in highschool. I was definitely suicidal by the time I was a junior. I'm 22. I've been this way since I was 15-16. I'll be 23 later this year. I'm 3 years away from being depressed/ suicidal for a decade. A fucking DECADE!
I've been depressed that no guys my age seemed interested in me. The few crushes I had didn't like me back and not boys my age ever showed interest. And then I found someone. Someone who genuinely loved me for me. Who was willing and able to commit. And now I'm back to being alone. I don't know if I can find someone else who would actually love me and want to commit. And who I would be attracted to. Should I lower my standards? I guess. But they really aren't that high to begin with. And would that even be fair to this hypothetical new partner? That I don't really like him and I'm always comparing him to my ex in my head.
It never fucking gets better. Maybe it does for a little bit, but then it just gets worse. You get used to your special brand of misery, so when things get better, it hurts that much more that things are worse.
Things sucked when I thought the issue was just that I was ugly. And miserable that no one wanted me. It's so much worse caring about other people.
Is there any GOOD reason I shouldn't ctb this year?
One thing that was keeping me going was the chance to reconnect with my ex and maybe get back together. But that's not happening. He claims he loves me. But he doesn't want me. And to hold on to hope is stupid. And now I'm wondering if I even should reconnect with him. I probably won't. If I'm going to ctb anyway there's no point in trying to be friends with him. And make myself suffer watching him date.
Yeah, fuck this. I'm not waiting until 28. At most I'll wait for November of next year. There's no point in making myself suffer like this. Maybe things will be fine and I'll change my mind, but as long as I'm on tinder it's just going to make things worse. But I can't leave. If I do I'll be alone forever. Well I guess I'd be alone until I'm 28.
I can't even cry to feel better. I don't know what the fuck happened to me. My rabbit died earlier this year and I couldn't cry. I put on sad music that used to make me cry and NOTHING. Absolutely NOTHING.
God I'm ready to go. Why don't I ctb today? I have my method. I have a car and money. I can leave, get a hotel and ctb without the chance of being 'saved.' Why don't I. Because I'm a giant coward. It's honestly kind of amazing that I don't jump at the sight of my own shadow. I've been kind of paranoid for as long as I can remember. I always have to have a heavy blanket when I'm sleeping because I'm paranoid that someone will break in and somehow a FUCKING BLANKET will protect me. Like it's summer here and we don't have central ac, so it gets hot. I can't sleep with just a sheet. I NEED a blanket. So I sweat like a stuck pig because I'm too fucking scared to not have a blanket. I've always been a giant pussy. I guess it's not surprising that I haven't even attempted. Honestly, if I got the courage to actually try that would be very surprising.
FUCK. He HATES me. Or at least hates being in a relationship with me. He's not coming back.
Should I ctb this year? What am I waiting for? What's going to change?
I have a pet rabbit and stupidly bought a leopard gecko a month before he broke up with me. It's so hard to take care of them. It's hard getting up in the morning. It's hard to get the energy to clean their cages. It's hard to just put food in their cages so they don't starve. Taking care of something else is so fucking hard.
I guess that's all for now. I can't really think of anything else. If you somehow managed to actually read this entire rant thank you. It means a lot to me.
I hate my life so much.
I keep on flip floping on how I feel. I can't just be consistent.
One minute I hate my ex for leaving me. The next I'm hurt that he left. One minute everything's fine and I'm planning to ctb when I'm 28 the next I'm miserable and planning to ctb next year.
I talked to him not too long ago. He said he had no intention on seeing anyone anytime soon and if he did it wouldn't be serious it would just be a fwb thing. And fuck that hurts. The thought that he could be sleeping with other women hurts.
I'm on tinder now. I get tons of matches, but very few conversations. It's hard for me to find someone on tinder because being physically attractive just isn't enough for me. I need to know a person's personality before I can have any real attraction to them. I'm just swiping, looking for someone like my ex. Tall (for the record he was 5'10" and that's basically what I'm looking for the whole 6' thing is dumb IMO), handsome, has or is working toward a good well paying job, fit, is willing to commit to me, finds me beautiful.
FUCK. I think I'm just going to ctb next year whether I really 'want' to or not. Or maybe I won't? Maybe I should just get off of tinder and focus on other stuff? But I don't leave the house, so I won't find anyone that way. And as much as I want to wait, I honestly don't think he's coming back. He doesn't love me, he doesn't want me and waiting will just be a mistake.
God I'm so tired. I'm so tired of wanting him. I'm so tired of being unable to find anyone. I'm so tired of life. Why am I waiting again? Why not just ctb this year? November's not too far away. Only 5 months. Techinally 4 if you don't count November itself.
At least it's not a year. A whole fucking year of repressing my sexuality, of constantly wondering who he's with, of flipping between being ok and wanting to die. A whole fucking year of being here. Venting to random people online. Hoping someone, ANYONE, reads this and replies. And it's not even a year! It's much longer than that. It's almost a year and a half! A fucking year and a half.
I know he used to be suicidal. Part of me hopes that he's on this website that he reads my threads and reaches out. But I know that's not going to happen. It's very unlikely he knows this site even exists. And if he did reach out, then what? He doesn't want me, we're not getting back together. Part of me wants to just be able to talk about these feelings with someone. And I trust him. I can't really talk to anyone else. I have one friend and I can't talk about this stuff with her. And I can't talk to my family for obvious reasons.
So here I am. Screaming into the void. With my mom's cat at my side.
I made a post about leaving a suicide note. I've decided to compile all my posts/ replies into a kind of suicide note. Well, I plan on writing an actual note addressed to him, so I guess it's a suicide note companion piece? This is the only place where I talk about these feelings so if my main goal is to describe my feelings in as much detail as possible to paint a full picture so he can completely understand my thoughts these posts are probably the only way I could do that.
God, I'm so fucking tired. I've been depressed probably since I was a sophomore in highschool. I was definitely suicidal by the time I was a junior. I'm 22. I've been this way since I was 15-16. I'll be 23 later this year. I'm 3 years away from being depressed/ suicidal for a decade. A fucking DECADE!
I've been depressed that no guys my age seemed interested in me. The few crushes I had didn't like me back and not boys my age ever showed interest. And then I found someone. Someone who genuinely loved me for me. Who was willing and able to commit. And now I'm back to being alone. I don't know if I can find someone else who would actually love me and want to commit. And who I would be attracted to. Should I lower my standards? I guess. But they really aren't that high to begin with. And would that even be fair to this hypothetical new partner? That I don't really like him and I'm always comparing him to my ex in my head.
It never fucking gets better. Maybe it does for a little bit, but then it just gets worse. You get used to your special brand of misery, so when things get better, it hurts that much more that things are worse.
Things sucked when I thought the issue was just that I was ugly. And miserable that no one wanted me. It's so much worse caring about other people.
Is there any GOOD reason I shouldn't ctb this year?
One thing that was keeping me going was the chance to reconnect with my ex and maybe get back together. But that's not happening. He claims he loves me. But he doesn't want me. And to hold on to hope is stupid. And now I'm wondering if I even should reconnect with him. I probably won't. If I'm going to ctb anyway there's no point in trying to be friends with him. And make myself suffer watching him date.
Yeah, fuck this. I'm not waiting until 28. At most I'll wait for November of next year. There's no point in making myself suffer like this. Maybe things will be fine and I'll change my mind, but as long as I'm on tinder it's just going to make things worse. But I can't leave. If I do I'll be alone forever. Well I guess I'd be alone until I'm 28.
I can't even cry to feel better. I don't know what the fuck happened to me. My rabbit died earlier this year and I couldn't cry. I put on sad music that used to make me cry and NOTHING. Absolutely NOTHING.
God I'm ready to go. Why don't I ctb today? I have my method. I have a car and money. I can leave, get a hotel and ctb without the chance of being 'saved.' Why don't I. Because I'm a giant coward. It's honestly kind of amazing that I don't jump at the sight of my own shadow. I've been kind of paranoid for as long as I can remember. I always have to have a heavy blanket when I'm sleeping because I'm paranoid that someone will break in and somehow a FUCKING BLANKET will protect me. Like it's summer here and we don't have central ac, so it gets hot. I can't sleep with just a sheet. I NEED a blanket. So I sweat like a stuck pig because I'm too fucking scared to not have a blanket. I've always been a giant pussy. I guess it's not surprising that I haven't even attempted. Honestly, if I got the courage to actually try that would be very surprising.
FUCK. He HATES me. Or at least hates being in a relationship with me. He's not coming back.
Should I ctb this year? What am I waiting for? What's going to change?
I have a pet rabbit and stupidly bought a leopard gecko a month before he broke up with me. It's so hard to take care of them. It's hard getting up in the morning. It's hard to get the energy to clean their cages. It's hard to just put food in their cages so they don't starve. Taking care of something else is so fucking hard.
I guess that's all for now. I can't really think of anything else. If you somehow managed to actually read this entire rant thank you. It means a lot to me.
