Venting Another boring rant

[usernamesarehard]

FUCK
I hate my life so much.
I keep on flip floping on how I feel. I can't just be consistent.
One minute I hate my ex for leaving me. The next I'm hurt that he left. One minute everything's fine and I'm planning to ctb when I'm 28 the next I'm miserable and planning to ctb next year.
I talked to him not too long ago. He said he had no intention on seeing anyone anytime soon and if he did it wouldn't be serious it would just be a fwb thing. And fuck that hurts. The thought that he could be sleeping with other women hurts.

I'm on tinder now. I get tons of matches, but very few conversations. It's hard for me to find someone on tinder because being physically attractive just isn't enough for me. I need to know a person's personality before I can have any real attraction to them. I'm just swiping, looking for someone like my ex. Tall (for the record he was 5'10" and that's basically what I'm looking for the whole 6' thing is dumb IMO), handsome, has or is working toward a good well paying job, fit, is willing to commit to me, finds me beautiful.

FUCK. I think I'm just going to ctb next year whether I really 'want' to or not. Or maybe I won't? Maybe I should just get off of tinder and focus on other stuff? But I don't leave the house, so I won't find anyone that way. And as much as I want to wait, I honestly don't think he's coming back. He doesn't love me, he doesn't want me and waiting will just be a mistake.

God I'm so tired. I'm so tired of wanting him. I'm so tired of being unable to find anyone. I'm so tired of life. Why am I waiting again? Why not just ctb this year? November's not too far away. Only 5 months. Techinally 4 if you don't count November itself.

At least it's not a year. A whole fucking year of repressing my sexuality, of constantly wondering who he's with, of flipping between being ok and wanting to die. A whole fucking year of being here. Venting to random people online. Hoping someone, ANYONE, reads this and replies. And it's not even a year! It's much longer than that. It's almost a year and a half! A fucking year and a half.

I know he used to be suicidal. Part of me hopes that he's on this website that he reads my threads and reaches out. But I know that's not going to happen. It's very unlikely he knows this site even exists. And if he did reach out, then what? He doesn't want me, we're not getting back together. Part of me wants to just be able to talk about these feelings with someone. And I trust him. I can't really talk to anyone else. I have one friend and I can't talk about this stuff with her. And I can't talk to my family for obvious reasons.

So here I am. Screaming into the void. With my mom's cat at my side.

I made a post about leaving a suicide note. I've decided to compile all my posts/ replies into a kind of suicide note. Well, I plan on writing an actual note addressed to him, so I guess it's a suicide note companion piece? This is the only place where I talk about these feelings so if my main goal is to describe my feelings in as much detail as possible to paint a full picture so he can completely understand my thoughts these posts are probably the only way I could do that.

God, I'm so fucking tired. I've been depressed probably since I was a sophomore in highschool. I was definitely suicidal by the time I was a junior. I'm 22. I've been this way since I was 15-16. I'll be 23 later this year. I'm 3 years away from being depressed/ suicidal for a decade. A fucking DECADE!

I've been depressed that no guys my age seemed interested in me. The few crushes I had didn't like me back and not boys my age ever showed interest. And then I found someone. Someone who genuinely loved me for me. Who was willing and able to commit. And now I'm back to being alone. I don't know if I can find someone else who would actually love me and want to commit. And who I would be attracted to. Should I lower my standards? I guess. But they really aren't that high to begin with. And would that even be fair to this hypothetical new partner? That I don't really like him and I'm always comparing him to my ex in my head.

It never fucking gets better. Maybe it does for a little bit, but then it just gets worse. You get used to your special brand of misery, so when things get better, it hurts that much more that things are worse.

Things sucked when I thought the issue was just that I was ugly. And miserable that no one wanted me. It's so much worse caring about other people.

Is there any GOOD reason I shouldn't ctb this year?

One thing that was keeping me going was the chance to reconnect with my ex and maybe get back together. But that's not happening. He claims he loves me. But he doesn't want me. And to hold on to hope is stupid. And now I'm wondering if I even should reconnect with him. I probably won't. If I'm going to ctb anyway there's no point in trying to be friends with him. And make myself suffer watching him date.

Yeah, fuck this. I'm not waiting until 28. At most I'll wait for November of next year. There's no point in making myself suffer like this. Maybe things will be fine and I'll change my mind, but as long as I'm on tinder it's just going to make things worse. But I can't leave. If I do I'll be alone forever. Well I guess I'd be alone until I'm 28.

I can't even cry to feel better. I don't know what the fuck happened to me. My rabbit died earlier this year and I couldn't cry. I put on sad music that used to make me cry and NOTHING. Absolutely NOTHING.

God I'm ready to go. Why don't I ctb today? I have my method. I have a car and money. I can leave, get a hotel and ctb without the chance of being 'saved.' Why don't I. Because I'm a giant coward. It's honestly kind of amazing that I don't jump at the sight of my own shadow. I've been kind of paranoid for as long as I can remember. I always have to have a heavy blanket when I'm sleeping because I'm paranoid that someone will break in and somehow a FUCKING BLANKET will protect me. Like it's summer here and we don't have central ac, so it gets hot. I can't sleep with just a sheet. I NEED a blanket. So I sweat like a stuck pig because I'm too fucking scared to not have a blanket. I've always been a giant pussy. I guess it's not surprising that I haven't even attempted. Honestly, if I got the courage to actually try that would be very surprising.

FUCK. He HATES me. Or at least hates being in a relationship with me. He's not coming back.

Should I ctb this year? What am I waiting for? What's going to change?

I have a pet rabbit and stupidly bought a leopard gecko a month before he broke up with me. It's so hard to take care of them. It's hard getting up in the morning. It's hard to get the energy to clean their cages. It's hard to just put food in their cages so they don't starve. Taking care of something else is so fucking hard.

I guess that's all for now. I can't really think of anything else. If you somehow managed to actually read this entire rant thank you. It means a lot to me.

 

[usernamesarehard]

I take welbutrin. It helps a lot with giving me motivation and energy. I'm wondering why I even bother. Why shouldn't I stop taking it and just work and sleep through the year?

God I'm so tired. It doesn't stop the tiredness. It doesn't stop the pain.

Why do I go to work? Why do I bother with school? I have two dates coming up, so I guess I'll keep tinder for now. But after that I'm just going to delete it. It doesn't do anything but make me miserable.

I guess I can use work, school, reading and just learning stuff as a distraction. I think I'm going to turn my phone off for a week. Probably once I delete tinder. I keep going to my messages. Hoping he texted. Hoping for something. It's not good for me.

I have a feeling he's going to call this weekend. He gets drunk and then just keeps calling me again and again until I answer. I'm going to have to ignore his calls. And then text him to leave me alone. So that's going to be fun.

Dating fucking sucks. All I'm doing is just looking for someone like him.

I guess that's another reason it's so hard to let go. He acts like he cares. And it keeps happening again and again. When we do meet and he's drunk, he acts like we're back together. He tells me he loves me. Both drunk and sober. He wants to be friends because he wants me in his life. He says he'll always love me. But then he's sober and reality kicks in and he says he doesn't want me.

I can't do this. I can't keep hanging on for someone who ultimately doesn't care. He SAYS he cares, but he doesn't SHOW he cares. But I don't think I'll find anything on tinder. I can't get attached to people based on some pictures and a bio.

I don't really know what I'll do. I guess I'll save this year. Plan some beach trips next year and then ctb in November. Maybe I'll try being his friend? I mean there's really no point in ghosting him. He'll probably find out about my death. It's probably better to just give him a note and enjoy what little time we'll have together. As friends. Because he's not coming back. And I have to tell myself that because if I don't I'll have hope. And FUCK I can't hold off ctb any longer than this. It's just dumb and pointless.

I have apricot seeds. They're in a reusable bag with some spices. They sit there, unopened. I've always been such a coward that I couldn't even open the fucking bag. And you know the sad thing? I FORGOT I even had them. Lol. Like I was suicidal while we were together, but I always imagined hanging myself because I FORGOT what my method was. And hanging is a pretty well known method. Like when people think suicide that's usually what they're thinking. I FUCKING FORGOT my method. Lol, what a fucking joke.

And I left this site. I never said anything. I never really posted until now. So I just quietly left, the same way I entered. I never really thought about this place until now.

I'm considering giving up my leopard gecko. I just can't provide the care she needs. Taking care of my rabbit is easy. But she requires more specialized care. And I just don't have the energy to meet her needs.

I guess this is what I'm doing now. I have a journal. I'm SUPPOSED to be writing there. But I write here instead. Why? Why do I want others to know? I guess it's for connection. For some small chance of connecting with someone.

Even if we did get back together, would it even be worth it? Or just delaying the inevitable? How would I know he wouldn't leave again? How could I be secure? Would it be a waste of time? Having hope this thing will work out and choosing to live for him. Just for him to leave again. And leave me broken again. And then I would have wasted however long choosing to stay alive instead of sticking to the original plan. I guess if we got back together and then broke up before next November then that wouldn't really change anything. I could still ctb next November.

I guess that's what I'll do. I'll save some money and reserve an abnb for next November. That way whether I choose to live or not at least I'll have my plan. It'll probably make interacting with him as a friend easier. I'm not waiting for something that may or may not happen. I'm not letting my destiny be in the hands of someone else. The pain is temporary. And I don't have to wait for something that might not happen. I just have to wait for something that WILL happen.

God, I'm honestly not looking forward to this. I'm a coward. The thought of ending myself scares me. But what other option is there? Wallow in misery for another 40-50 years?

Even if I forget him and get another job and get out of this shithole of a city. Would that change anything? Or would I still be depressed? Clinging onto anything that 'justifies' me staying alive. Because then I don't have to face the fact that I'm a coward. That I'm too scared to just go.

If I had committed years ago I wouldn't even BE in this fucking situation. But no, I can't. I HAVE to keep on living. Because I can't just take the jump.

Sometimes I imagine myself trying to commit, and then I'm saved. And I can finally have someone to talk to who cares, who doesn't judge me or guilt trip me. I finally have a reason to keep trying. But that's simply unrealistic. Things wouldn't get better if my family knew how serious of a problem this is. Honestly, they'd probably get worse!

So that's why I chose my method. I don't WANT to be saved. When I attempt it'll be because I'm ready. And I don't want to be another statistic of 'woman uses unreliable method and is saved.' I mean the least I can do is be part of the statistic that commits and dies. Help show that women commit suicide because they want to die, not because they're using it as a cry for help or for attention.