oofuf
hope is the seed of despair
- Feb 13, 2023
- 56
Ever since the time I opened up to my family about wanting to die they hadn't let me be alone in the house. Of course that hadn't stopped me from attempting to hang myself when they were asleep. I knew that there was a small chance. That they would go out and leave me alone, and I had a plan. My father used to hunt birds, so even though guns are regulated here, he has a shotgun.
I had seen that gun. I knew where he kept it. I waited and waited for that slim chance.
They all left today. I was alone. Half an hour later, I was holding that gun.
There were no shells.
I never thought, I would feel that way again. Feeling that it should have worked. That I should have died then. That I'm being taunted for thinking it could happen. Why then? Why did I have access to this gun? Why is there always a piece that's missing?
It's just that nothing seems to work the way it should. I do everything that I can, and still, it amounts to nothing. It's never enough. My best is never enough.
I had seen that gun. I knew where he kept it. I waited and waited for that slim chance.
They all left today. I was alone. Half an hour later, I was holding that gun.
There were no shells.
I never thought, I would feel that way again. Feeling that it should have worked. That I should have died then. That I'm being taunted for thinking it could happen. Why then? Why did I have access to this gun? Why is there always a piece that's missing?
It's just that nothing seems to work the way it should. I do everything that I can, and still, it amounts to nothing. It's never enough. My best is never enough.
