Angry frustrated my own fault

[cazza82]

I feel like why did I open my big mouth I feel so comfortable with my councilor and I needed to let it out how bad I feel so I told her about the thoughts that go around my head constantly about ending it because of the unbearable pain. I know I have no reason at all to be angry at her she's doing her job keeping me safe she wasn't going to let me leave at first but I was just saying how I feel and I trusted her to do that and I don't trust anyone like at all. Now my doctor and practice manager in the surgery know trying to call me to go in to see him I just feel like all these people know I feel even more like an outcast a freak and feeling like they are going to judge me . I told her my scary thoughts because they do terrify me I made myself so vulnerable I just feel betrayed even though I have no right to because she's so nice now I have to decide if I go back or just go back to dealing with it on my own. Plus the method I was planning on I couldn't get my hands on the correct amount it was half of what I needed so I'm angry at that to everything's going wrong or is someone trying to tell me something that maybe I'm not meant to die or is it just because I'm a coward and to afraid of doing it. Other people take their lives why is it so hard for certain others it should just be simple right I can't continue feeling this pain daily and there's one thing that will make it stop why is it such a hard decision does that mean I don't really want to die or am I not fully there yet. Sorry for the long post just so frustrated at all these different emotions all at once in this little head of mine