Angry and going downhill chatting and talk would be appreciated (positive or negative, understanding or solutions)

[Leve]

So angry all the time every day now. Don't know why. I think the stress is getting to me. Used to be that all my mental illness shit made me hate myself in a sad way. Now I don't care about anything and am just angry all the time. Think about killing myself a lot. Sometimes I have really bad thoughts about others… don't like them thoughts much. Started getting high every day… just kratom, weed, and 7oh though. I really want to and I would do more and harder stuff but I don't know how to find a dealer because I don't talk to anybody… so angry. Everyone is so loud and the world isn't built for me. Just wanna be left alone. I don't want to work I don't want to do anything society expects from me, I want to be an eccentric recluse who only socializes with the people I want to. I want to be dead. Might end up dying from a gunshot, or maybe in an alley somewhere. Seems like the way my life is heading. Killing myself is too much effort for me now, I don't care enough to put all the effort in, I've embraced the void of emptiness and all I have is anger that I can't stay there forever, that I can't just lay under my blanket, talk to one person, get high, and listen to music forever. Angry I have to exist in the world to survive in it… sometimes I get angry and want to tell strangers to fuck off or kill themselves. I don't like having these thoughts either, I think it's a reflection of how I feel about myself and how society treats people like me. I never say it though or ever hurt anyone though, I want the best for everyone and hate myself every time I even as much as annoy someone.

Who cares?

 

[Off_Switch]

If you wanto to find hard drugs, go try and get a job at a restaurant. An American or trendy Asian one. Even if you have to wash dishes. Somebody that works there will know someone, who knows someone, who knows someone. Maybe you can come across some fent. That seems like a good wayto go. Otherwise, as you described, you will have to learn how to raw dog it sober. And how long can you really do THAT for?