And so we have reached the end

[Placo]

Is making short and long term goals something you wish to do? Or is it more of a general feeling of not knowing what the point in living is?

Personally I find it hard to make goals because I really beat myself up if I don't meet them, no matter how realistic or not they end up being.

It's just that I really don't know what I want, I feel stuck, in theory I would have a job in a family shop but I have no drive to go to work and my father makes me burden myself with this thing and the fact that my family has to do even my part actually increases my feelings of guilt a little, but killing myself in theory would be even worse for them I imagine.

I have been spending my days at home for many months now, I remember the last time I went out I had a sense of estrangement, alienation and I almost perceived hostility towards myself, it was such a bad experience that I haven't been out since January or February, I don't remember exactly.

However, a strange thing happened a little while ago, I was contacted by a mysterious user on an instant messaging app who wanted to know if I knew of tools to block a number, I must say that it was strange because I'm not used to strangers writing to me and distracted me from being suicidal for a while, it felt like I was in a spy movie. Also during the day I get a lot of spam calls, I can't complain that no one is looking for me.

As for killing myself tonight, I don't know, if I continue to hesitate, however, I must decide to return under the supervision of professionals, this limbo cannot continue forever.


Sometimes, you wait a little while
To see what's wrong and right
You wait a little while
Inside, outside, up and down
And this way, that way, left and right
Will I ever feel like I did, when I was a little child?

 

[painoflife]

Sometimes, you wait a little while
To see what's wrong and right
You wait a little while
Inside, outside, up and down
And this way, that way, left and right
Will I ever feel like I did, when I was a little child?

This is lovely and sums things up quite well for many of us here I assume

 

[Placo]

In the end I decided to open a diary in the protected section so I will no longer use this thread for this purpose also because it would be off topic, perhaps I will return to write here only if the suicidal ideation actually returns so high that I want to say goodbye to the forum.

 

[Placo]

I don't know, despite being on an antidepressant treatment that I would define as powerful, the desire to do things isn't coming back to me, suicidal thoughts are always around the corner.

I'm starting to think that anyone who is seriously suicidal at a certain point in their life is suicidal forever, they will never be able to eradicate those thoughts completely.

 

[Placo]

Before I felt a strange sense of accomplishment, almost of satisfaction, as if I no longer wanted anything else from life, not as if I was bored but like a video game when you complete it but you don't want to play it again.

Looking at my life, to be honest mine respect a normal one it is far from complete but in my small way I did what I could.

Now honestly there's nothing I'm interested in doing, and I'd be too bored waiting to die of natural causes, it's better to die now.

As usual I have until night to reflect, I could even do it now that I'm alone at home but there's always the risk that someone will come.

 

[schmerz]

I'm starting to think that anyone who is seriously suicidal at a certain point in their life is suicidal forever, they will never be able to eradicate those thoughts completely.

ive had this exact thought before as well. i dont think it ever leaves you, no matter what medication you might take or therapy you undergo. it just follows you everywhere and ive come to terms with the fact that it will catch up to me sometime
its just a part of us we have to accept

 

[Placo]

I'm trying to be as drowsy and sleepy as possible, I hope the SI doesn't just make me go to sleep and skipping tonight too.

 

[Placo]

In the end I took the antidepressant in the evening and ate a lot of ice cream before going to bed, I don't remember particularly well because with all the tranquilizers I had taken my memory was a bit suppressed.

As for today, I don't know what to do, I don't want to live.

Yesterday I was so convinced I was going to die that I had visions of the future without me, it was a somewhat interesting mental exercise.

 

[Placo]

And here we are again posting in this thread, there is no desire to continue and it is night, but the SI still seems robust, I wonder what it takes to weaken it, days spent in boredom and total depression?

 

[painoflife]

Do you have anymore games which interest you to help pass some time?

 

[Placo]

Do you have anymore games which interest you to help pass some time?

No, I think I've exhausted all the pastimes at this point.

In the end I took various benzodiazepines, a beer and other things while waiting to be calm for the CTB which however in the end I didn't do because I got a bit distracted on Youtube and then I binged on ice cream, in exchange I slept all day and was almost drunk, a benzodiazepine hangover in short, I was even afraid of getting up from the wrong side of the bed and hitting the wall, now things are a little better but I'm still determined, the SI seems weaker than yesterday, better this way.

 

[DingoBaggins]

No, I think I've exhausted all the pastimes at this point.

In the end I took various benzodiazepines, a beer and other things while waiting to be calm for the CTB which however in the end I didn't do because I got a bit distracted on Youtube and then I binged on ice cream, in exchange I slept all day and was almost drunk, a benzodiazepine hangover in short, I was even afraid of getting up from the wrong side of the bed and hitting the wall, now things are a little better but I'm still determined, the SI seems weaker than yesterday, better this way.

I was deeply suicidal (and still am), but YOU and your posts dimly lit up something inside of me.
Reading this thread mesmerizes me in a weird way. I guess it's because i relate to your comments very much. So even if nothing changes, thank you.

P.S. You should try art, bet you'd create a sick drawing or something like that.

 

[Placo]

I was deeply suicidal (and still am), but YOU and your posts dimly lit up something inside of me.
Reading this thread mesmerizes me in a weird way. I guess it's because i relate to your comments very much. So even if nothing changes, thank you.

P.S. You should try art, bet you'd create a sick drawing or something like that.

It would definitely be sick because I'm pretty rubbish at drawing.

I'm glad it touched someone even if I don't understand if it's in a positive or negative sense. At least they weren't empty words.

In any case, I feel that this evening the end is near, but since it has happened many times that SI has saved me, even if for once I managed to beat it, I still don't feel like saying goodbye, I'm waiting for the sedatives and painkillers to take effect in the meantime.

 

[feelinggloomy]

I'm thinking about you

 

[Placo]

In the end I decided to give myself another day to think about it, I also ate and soon I think I'll go to bed but in any case I don't have high hopes, I just feel like I've postponed it until tomorrow, we'll see.

 

[Placo]

I have strange dreams, as if when I was sleeping my brain was trying to rebel against my condition but after a while when I wake up everything goes back to the way it was before. So in the end I don't know what to do with it since in the end the waking period counts, first I took the antidepressants and I felt their paradoxical effect, I felt more motivated towards CTB, after a while it diminished also because they had agitated me and I had to take tranquilizers.

As for tonight, as I said before, I was very motivated to do CTB but now I'm slightly more undecided, but I can't stand going on like this anymore.

 

[undecided]

People have plenty to say when a member says they're going to ctb, but as soon as they say they're not going through with it, for whatever reason, there's nothing ! No support whatsoever! I'm so sorry, OP !!

 

[Placo]

People have plenty to say when a member says they're going to ctb, but as soon as they say they're not going through with it, for whatever reason, there's nothing ! No support whatsoever! I'm so sorry, OP !!

It doesn't matter, don't worry, anyway I've been spending a lot of time sleeping lately and sometimes I wake up half asleep and feel like I don't want to kill myself even if when I wake up I go back to being depressed and suicidal, this thing doesn't convince me, to do this I want to have total determination, if part of me isn't convinced I can't do it.

It's not the first time it's happened to me, in general as soon as I wake up after a dream I don't want to kill myself.

Then spending all this time sleeping I have a lot of dreams, my life when I'm asleep is more interesting than when I'm awake now.

So today I don't even think about trying, I want to figure out this dream thing first and see if I can try esketamine.

 

[Davey40210]

Its not easy man.. hang in there.

 

[Placo]

Its not easy man.. hang in there.

To be honest, things have been going better lately. I started seeing a psychiatrist again and he changed my therapy slightly and now, even though I take quite a few medications, I'd say things are going better.

 

[Davey40210]

To be honest, things have been going better lately. I started seeing a psychiatrist again and he changed my therapy slightly and now, even though I take quite a few medications, I'd say things are going better.

Im glad to hear that. Sounds like you are on your way up again. Good luck.

 

[nir]

To be honest, things have been going better lately. I started seeing a psychiatrist again and he changed my therapy slightly and now, even though I take quite a few medications, I'd say things are going better.

Love to hear that! It's nice to see some glimmers of hope here and there on this site. Wishing you nothing but the best <3

 

[Placo]

The time has come to resume this topic, it's been almost a year since I opened it and the situation seemed to improve for a while but now I've fallen back into it, in the meantime however I've changed my method also deciding to use SN compared to the one I had previously which in comparison was much more brutal, I've been fasting for many hours having slept all day and even with liquids I'm not drinking practically anything, soon I'll start to complete the method, maybe I'll wait until my parents are both in bed, there's my mother who has the habit of falling asleep in the kitchen on the sofa and then going to bed later, this could be dangerous.

As an antiemetic in theory I have lurasidone and as an antinausea I have mirtazapine, I also have benzos, I don't have antacids and propranolol however, obviously I have painkillers.

I'm undecided whether to do it at home or take the car in the night and drive to a certain place of my interest but I think I'll opt to do it at home because it's more convenient.

 

[Forveleth]

I'm sorry life has brought you back here. I hope you can find peace.

 

[Placo]

I'm still here, but my suicidality never drops below 50%, I want to improve the method a bit.

 

[Placo]

There is my mother who seems to have disappeared, she is not answering the phone and I don't know where she could be, if something serious happened to her my suicidality will skyrocket, this could be my last post.

 

[Michi_Violeta]

There is my mother who seems to have disappeared, she is not answering the phone and I don't know where she could be, if something serious happened to her my suicidality will skyrocket, this could be my last post.

Those are terrible news, man, hope you can find her soon and that nothing serious happened to her. We're here for you.

 

[Placo]

Those are terrible news, man, hope you can find her soon and that nothing serious happened to her. We're here for you.

Luckily everything is fine, CTB postponed.

 

[CatLvr]

I just found your thread. And I read the whole thing to get here. I feel like I was reading my own story -- ready to go but SI was/is problematic. A failed attempt -- or three. And a child (who is now an adult) who is in my life and is so important to me that I will stay here as long as need be. I don't want to be the person who hurts him. He is a wonderful man, very empathic and wouldn't hurt a fly.

I have found a couple of things that distract me from my suicidality (the neighbor kids, who have a kinda rough home life) come see me every day -- to earn a little money, play with all the animals here and learn a little bit about things they don't get a chance to learn about at school or at home (like gardening, taking care of "farm" animals -- we have some chickens and ducks) and personal investing. And my animals (couple of dogs and a half dozen cats -- I know I am gonna be the old cat lady around here. Lol).

And like they aren't enough, I MAKE myself do some drawing and read every day. It might only be for 10 minutes but I still do it. Occasionally I will get swept up in my reading and find an entire afternoon has gone by. I love it when that happens!!

I hope you find what works for you. And soothes your soul. You will be in my thoughts from now on. Blessed be.

 

[Placo]

I had a strong suicidal urge due to anhedonia but now I have a full stomach and I have SN as a method, I have to wait.