And so we have reached the end

[painoflife]

Yes, a little stoned to be honest but quite calm, maybe I increase the dosage a little more, I want to get to the point where the idea of hypercapnia doesn't scare me in the slightest.

It sounds like you have done a lot of planning and prep so only you can know what is best right now, your comfort and peace is important

 

[Placo]

A bit of nausea and headache after smoking, I took something against nausea but needless to say that feeling sick even before I started to prepare the setup is blocking me a bit.

To be honest, there is also a video game that is interesting to me these days and I could use it to cling to life a little longer.

 

[painoflife]

A bit of nausea and headache after smoking, I took something against nausea but needless to say that feeling sick even before I started to prepare the setup is blocking me a bit.

To be honest, there is also a video game that is interesting to me these days and I could use it to cling to life a little longer.

What game is it? I play runescape on PC.
If its a good distraction then it sounds like a nice idea to have some fun for a while

 

[Placo]

What game is it? I play runescape on PC.
If its a good distraction then it sounds like a nice idea to have some fun for a while

It's an old football manager that I really liked when I was a child.

In the end I gave up today too, part of me is a little regretful but anyway I can try again in about 20 hours exactly, in case I don't have long to wait.

This thing of nausea and headaches that come after smoking tobacco is not the first time it has happened, it must be some interaction with the drugs.

 

[Placo]

Tonight I didn't even try, a vague hope arose in me, let's see if it lasts.

 

[Placo]

I think the glimmer of hope has already passed, to keep my mood at decent levels I need large doses of antidepressants and despite them I don't have the will to live back, maybe I'll try again tonight.

 

[Placo]

At the end I fell asleep with the CTB setup ready, waking up just in time in the morning to put everything back in order, maybe I should have taken more advantage of the opportunity of being half asleep but never mind, I'll see if to try again tonight.

 

[painoflife]

There will always be more opportunity when you are ready, don't feel too disheartened for falling asleep

 

[YosemiteGrrl]

At the end I fell asleep with the CTB setup ready, waking up just in time in the morning to put everything back in order, maybe I should have taken more advantage of the opportunity of being half asleep but never mind, I'll see if to try again tonight.

What protocol will you be using?
Will you be posting live process as you go?
Wish for you a smooth passage...

 

[Placo]

What protocol will you be using?
Will you be posting live process as you go?
Wish for you a smooth passage...

It's not SN but this method here: https://sanctioned-suicide.net/threads/handcuffs-and-plastic-bag.152861/

I'm taking a load of sedatives to not feel the panic of hypercapnia, I have to be careful not to fall asleep again though.

 

[Placo]

With benzodiazepines it seems that in the various tests I can last longer before having the instinct to remove the bag even if at a certain point the hunger for air gets the better of me but for this I already know how to remedy it, since to commit suicide requires a certain determination I decided to avoid today too and probably spend such a boring day that next time I won't have hesitations in also closing the second handcuffs and finally having no escape routes if the SI was to kick in.

 

[HeartSayako]

I hope I can do it tonight, I'm going on alcohol, diazepam and kratom to get in the right mood; I have been registered on this forum for exactly three months and I must say that for these three months it has been a place of company, a place with like-minded people in a world that tends to be anti-suicide, thus denying one of the fundamental freedoms of that is, the individual to decide about his own life.

I hope that having opened this thread strengthens my motivation to do it, there is nothing else that interests me or that I would like to do; I'll think about it these remaining hours but I don't think I'll find something to further extend my life as has happened so many other times.

"We are like butterflies who flutter for a day and think it is forever."

Good luck to you! And I hope you can finally achieve peace and rest

 

[Placo]

Too many mood swings, for example now I'm fine, I can't commit suicide if there isn't a strong conviction.

 

[Placo]

Today I'm quite determined, too bad at thinking about the future, I don't want to live a minute longer, but I have to wait for the night, I'll try to distract myself by being on the forum or watching something on Netflix.

 

[Placo]

In the end I distracted myself from my suicidal intentions by watching a film that I had seen as a child and which had particularly touched me and this time too but then I saw that the reviews weren't positive and I got a bit pissed off and signed up on IMDb only to rate films, I also have a few other films to see, and in short I survived this night too.

For the critics the film was too melancholic, for me as a suicidal depressed person this is an advantage; in any case it has a happy ending, the film also features a girl who attempted suicide, if anyone is interested it's called Dragonfly, I almost cried at the end credits.

However it is of the paranormal genre while I am a skeptic about these things but that didn't stop me from enjoying it.

Now it's dawn, I think I'll go to sleep soon.

 

[Placo]

And even today I will spend the day trying to distract myself while waiting for the night with a certain conviction of ending it, I can hardly stand my family anymore, I don't like my job, I have no friends apart from a few virtual acquaintances, I am loveless, I no longer have libido thanks to paroxetine, mirtazapine made me gain weight, I've been living as a recluse for months and the days are unbearably hot; it can't go on like this.

Luckily all this can end, the antidepressants will give me the strength to do it and the anxiolytics will take away the fear, nothing can go wrong.

 

[Placo]

So, I'm still alive, two days ago I was drowsy enough that in my opinion was ideal for the method without being too terrible, it has to do with hypercapnia so it might not be the most comfortable, unsure what to do I went to bed but I fell asleep and the sunlight at dawn woke me up.

Yesterday however I was strangely hopeful so I didn't even think about it, today I'm quite convinced again, in the meantime I continue to take the drugs but it seems that beyond the emotional anesthesia I can't go.

 

[Placo]

In these last few days a scene from when I went to university has come to mind; a girl couldn't open the luggage door of the bus and after a while she looked at me smiling almost as if asking me if I could do it, I smiled back and opened the door, then I don't remember if we said anything to each other or not, maybe she thanked me, it seems like a banal scene but thinking about it I find it pleasant; I think there was no opportunity to talk because we were both headed towards our own residence, it would have been a bit of a movie thing to try to approach her.

However, despite being suicidal, I saw some images of dead animals and they made an impression on me, it's something I have to overcome, thinking that we die anyway and that in the end this body will evaporate, I left two notes, one where I ask to not have a religious funeral and one where I ask for cremation; who knows if they will be respected.

 

[Placo]

Here I am, again tonight, evaluating what to do.

 

[Placo]

5 AM, I believe that SI won tonight too but it can't win forever.

The fact that the method is not painless certainly works a bit in its favor.

 

[Placo]

This night I didn't even think about it, to be honest, I threw myself into bed when I was tired and slept for a bit, when I got up it was almost dawn; now I feel hopeful anyway, maybe the end can be delayed.

 

[painoflife]

This night I didn't even think about it, to be honest, I threw myself into bed when I was tired and slept for a bit, when I got up it was almost dawn; now I feel hopeful anyway, maybe the end can be delayed.

You really seem to be in 2 minds about this, I am glad you aren't rushing into things on the bad days and are able to still be so clear headed about it.
I hope you have managed to watch some more nice films and given them the rating they deserve, my favourite childhood film was "Jack and Sarah" and I still love watching it.

 

[Placo]

You really seem to be in 2 minds about this, I am glad you aren't rushing into things on the bad days and are able to still be so clear headed about it.
I hope you have managed to watch some more nice films and given them the rating they deserve, my favourite childhood film was "Jack and Sarah" and I still love watching it.

Today is a somewhat desperate day, I first tried in bed not to be suicidal but it's not easy, now I hope to try a stimulating antidepressant but I don't know; let's say it's one of those days where I'm counting the hours left until night so I can kill myself, but in the end I'm undecided, I think I'll need a very high motivation to do it.

 

[Placo]

Today is one of those days where I would like everything to end, let's say I have a certain conviction, we'll see tonight.

 

[painoflife]

Today is one of those days where I would like everything to end, let's say I have a certain conviction, we'll see tonight.

How are you doing today?

 

[Sunttu1997]

Good luck

 

[Dark Window]

I don't know whether to say you're unlucky or lucky to not have an easy way out.

 

[Placo]

How are you doing today?

In the end I took antidepressants and distracted myself by chatting a bit, for a few hours I was fine, then in the evening I felt confused, I needed to reorganize my ideas, I thought that in any case I have to CTB sooner or later because I'm in a really bad situation, I was considering whether to try an antidepressant that I had already tried in the past but I fear it would agitate me too much; with the current therapy I can do basic things but the will to live doesn't return.

Then I fell asleep with these thoughts, lately I happen to fall asleep leaving the window open because I think I'll lie down for a while to think about whether to CTB but in the meantime I fall asleep and then the sunlight wakes me up when it's already morning.

Today I feel like yesterday but with the difference that there is a girl who is also suicidal that I met in this forum to whom I advised to try antidepressants and she has a visit tomorrow so I'm a bit curious to see if she can get them prescribed.

What made yesterday a bit eventful was the argument with a prolife virtual friend of mine, although somehow in the end we made peace despite the difference in ideas.

I don't know whether to say you're unlucky or lucky to not have an easy way out.

I ask myself this too, in theory the method is ready but the fear of those couple of minutes of annoyance is a great help to the SI.

 

[Placo]

Today the mood is not bad but I still feel meaningless, without goals, without the will to live.

 

[painoflife]

Is making short and long term goals something you wish to do? Or is it more of a general feeling of not knowing what the point in living is?

Personally I find it hard to make goals because I really beat myself up if I don't meet them, no matter how realistic or not they end up being.