Venting And so it begins

[LogicalConclusion]

This is the time of year that everything goes downhill. The instant that I realized it was September, I started to feel myself sliding downwards. It's not long now until the tail end of the cult experience catches up with me and remembering all of that death so clearly. To make things even more interesting, I'm right back in the same position I was psychologically now as after I got out. I don't know if I'll get out of winter alive. I don't know who I can talk to, or if I should, or could. Vanishing for a good while showed me how little people care beyond wanting to make a show of empathy. I've tried reconnecting, but I know I'm not the same anymore. There are two people I feel I can talk to with any amount of honesty, but I can't rely on them. They have their own troubles. I don't want to be more of a burden.

I just don't know what to do. This morning I was panicking because my payment hadn't made it into my account and all I could think was that I was gonna be homeless again, just like I was during the cult experience, during this time of year. I can still remember all of the cold in my bones and the endless fatigue. No rest. No safety. I might have some semblance of those things now, but I'm afraid I won't be able to see it soon, as all of these things cloud my mind further. I feel so lost and weak, and everything is straining. It's difficult to be there for people who need support even though I want to be, but I don't know how to be emotionally available to others when I don't have anyone to be emotionally available for me. Idk, I guess I just wanted to get that out somewhere and apparently I trust strangers more than my own friends.

 

[JimFord99]

I see what you going through, maybe it helps if I say 'forget yesterday, enjoy today, fear tomorrow' ...

 

[pole]

This is the time of year that everything goes downhill. The instant that I realized it was September, I started to feel myself sliding downwards. It's not long now until the tail end of the cult experience catches up with me and remembering all of that death so clearly. To make things even more interesting, I'm right back in the same position I was psychologically now as after I got out. I don't know if I'll get out of winter alive. I don't know who I can talk to, or if I should, or could. Vanishing for a good while showed me how little people care beyond wanting to make a show of empathy. I've tried reconnecting, but I know I'm not the same anymore. There are two people I feel I can talk to with any amount of honesty, but I can't rely on them. They have their own troubles. I don't want to be more of a burden.

I just don't know what to do. This morning I was panicking because my payment hadn't made it into my account and all I could think was that I was gonna be homeless again, just like I was during the cult experience, during this time of year. I can still remember all of the cold in my bones and the endless fatigue. No rest. No safety. I might have some semblance of those things now, but I'm afraid I won't be able to see it soon, as all of these things cloud my mind further. I feel so lost and weak, and everything is straining. It's difficult to be there for people who need support even though I want to be, but I don't know how to be emotionally available to others when I don't have anyone to be emotionally available for me. Idk, I guess I just wanted to get that out somewhere and apparently I trust strangers more than my own friends.

sorry you're going through this difficult time :(

dont ever feel like you're being a burden on someone. some just have trouble shouldering the weight of someone elses emotions, ontop of their own emotions; cause it makes it heavier. but many really would love to help. to many, having someone to talk to, even if it isnt about there problems, makes them feel less alone.

not everyone can be emotionally available to others because of their own suffering, that takes a toll on their emotional state. but you don't have to 100 percent emotionally invest all of you're energy into ones problems and pain; even JUST BEING THERE FOR SOMEONE as a listener, letting them just vent, being a shoulder to cry on takes absolutely nothing and goes the longest of ways, cause sometimes, some just wanna be understood and feel like there voice matters, in the sense that someones listening and they arent alone and perhaps can relate to someone.

it seems like you're payment and financial situation is the root of you're stress right now. i can relate :(. iv been struggling to enroll in courses cause i enrolled late, and im not sure if i can take a full course load, and if i do, that significantly impacts how much tuition i recieve and if i recieve it on time. and i just have a feeling i wont be able to recieve it by the 10th. and i hate asking my parents for money. i might have to go to the bank and start a student line of credit or something. anyways, have u tried going the same path? perhaps a line of credit. MONEY there if AND WHEN you need it. especially for times like this.

hope you feel better, and hoping everythings gonna work out for you.

 

[LogicalConclusion]

sorry you're going through this difficult time :(

dont ever feel like you're being a burden on someone. some just have trouble shouldering the weight of someone elses emotions, ontop of their own emotions; cause it makes it heavier. but many really would love to help. to many, having someone to talk to, even if it isnt about there problems, makes them feel less alone.

not everyone can be emotionally available to others because of their own suffering, that takes a toll on their emotional state. but you don't have to 100 percent emotionally invest all of you're energy into ones problems and pain; even JUST BEING THERE FOR SOMEONE as a listener, letting them just vent, being a shoulder to cry on takes absolutely nothing and goes the longest of ways, cause sometimes, some just wanna be understood and feel like there voice matters, in the sense that someones listening and they arent alone and perhaps can relate to someone.

it seems like you're payment and financial situation is the root of you're stress right now. i can relate :(. iv been struggling to enroll in courses cause i enrolled late, and im not sure if i can take a full course load, and if i do, that significantly impacts how much tuition i recieve and if i recieve it on time. and i just have a feeling i wont be able to recieve it by the 10th. and i hate asking my parents for money. i might have to go to the bank and start a student line of credit or something. anyways, have u tried going the same path? perhaps a line of credit. MONEY there if AND WHEN you need it. especially for times like this.

hope you feel better, and hoping everythings gonna work out for you.

Thank you friend I hope you're able to get your school stuff sorted. I'm not able to get any kind of credit as I'm on disability

 

[Dawn0071111]

I know what you mean about being more comfy expressing yourself to strangers than those who you have known of can be considered friends. Of course here on SS, people really can get here you are coming from... so it easier.... I wonder if it feel lees like strangers cause its less judgemental here? Yeah, in modern western life busyness is killing people more than anything and we feel like we dont want to be a burden, even if they would possibly reassure us that we aren't -it sounds like there is a certain level of connection and understanding you are looking for to be honest that you find here....

Huggz

 

[LogicalConclusion]

Yeah, people here get it a lot more than 99.9999% of the people I've met and associated with.

Fun news! The state wants me to meet with a psychologist for a "risk assessment" and to figure out "how they can help me." This is the exact cycle I've been trying to get out of.

Been looking over my final notes and everything and it's probably about as good as it will get. All I can think of right now is the pressure of the ratchet around my neck.

 

[OverItAll]

I can really relate about the burden thing. All i can ever think of is "Everyone got their own problems, nobody wants to hear me moan", and i bottle it all up.

I really feel for you OP, hope things improve for you.