...and nothing of value was lost.

[Garbage Person]

Looks like this is the end of my road. I've spent the last several months being a pro at flip flopping on what my plans were. It has been a lifetime of redefining rock bottom, there was always a new low. Had I been asked yesterday, my plan was to live out of my car. Im down to $450. The grim reality is it isn't enough to sustain myself until I can find new work. I'm also uninsured, meaning that I would likely lose my home the first time cops get nosy. That, or they'll just beat me to death, they excel at that these days.

I woke up today and immediately asked myself "what do you want?" It's a question I can't answer anymore. I feel like I've had it all. Over the last week, I kept telling myself to just thrust myself into a difficult situation and let the new found suffering take the wheel. Maybe it would lead to answers or some newfound passion. I still wonder if it would help, but these years prove otherwise. With this fever dream of a year serving as the perfect backdrop to a come apart, I feel absolutely hopeless today. If I run out of that money and can't get by, I'll be left to only terrible methods (drowning, chucking myself under an 18 wheeler, etc.) I'd likely just take a seat by the water and let myself go.

I've made calls to local gun shops to see what my options were for cheap 12 guage shotguns, and it's good. I still have enough that I can go shopping in a few hours, and give myself three days to rest and relax prior to my exit. I'm still sitting here trying to pull all sorts of mental gymnastics to find another line of thought or another way, but I'm just drawing a blank. I'll give some sort of update after I've acquired what I need or if I choose to back down. I just know I could use the support regardless. It has been brutal lately with no real silver lining.

 

[OhItsZemblanity]

I completely understand that hopeless feeling and the flipflopping... It's a shitty position to be in. One I'm currently in myself. I ordered my SN a few days ago but I don't think there is any way to get dopamine blockers with my quickly dwindling savings since I have no insurance. Likely going to try and push through without em once or twice just to see. If not... Might just have to go a bit more gruesome and traumatic for myself.

Hopefully, those gymnastics bear fruit for you and you can sort another way to hang on. I'd say most people deserve another shot at living, whether they believe it or not. But if nothing seems to come up.. then I do at least hope you find a way that isn't too traumatic, and find peace in the end. The thought of ones last moment holding terror, even with the result being peace, is deeply troubling for myself.

 

[Garbage Person]

@OhItsZemblanity I hope so as well, I appreciate it. I know the fire is still there at least. I don't want to give up and that's how I see this situation currently. I'd much rather die with a smile on my face if I can help it. I hope you can find some peace as well.

 

[Garbage Person]

Well, I wanted to spend some time here today. I didn't buy the shotty and had decided to try once more to improve my life. I started living out of my car and it has been going on three weeks now of this lifestyle. Got a job, worked it for one day, and just kind of bailed due to anxiety and knowing it wasn't a going to be a good fit. I'll likely update this thread with a lot of personal info and feelings. I've been driving around and enjoying the sights, revisiting music I haven't heard in a while. Today is special to me. I was all smiles yesterday and now I know why. This morning, I picked up a chimney starter, a 25 lb bag of charcoal briquettes, a portable grill, and a tray for some water and a rock for this grill to rest on. I'd like to share some time with you all on this day. It came to me immediately upon waking up that I just don't know anymore. I don't know what I'm doing or what I want out of life anymore. My thoughts are all over the place and I hope to organize them more before posting again. I parked for a moment to make this post. I'll be watching the sunset one last time and will depart in a beautiful location under a starry sky. I have a few Tramadol pills left that should help and I'm on my way to pick up a 40 oz or two of some cheap malt liquor. I'm going to continue driving a bit. It's the only thing that brings me peace of mind anymore. I'll be back on here in a while to chat, as this site will be the last and only socializing I do before I close the blinds. There's certainly some minor work to do as I'll have to remove some belongings and the passenger seat to make this work. For now, I'll leave a track here from one of my favorite artists that may resonate with you as well, it certainly feels relevant.

 

[Garbage Person]

I feel like such a fool right now for so many reasons. I don't have the socket I need to remove this seat. There's probably enough room in the floorboard in the front or back if I just keep the charcoal in the starter. Either way, it's definitely either burning the shit out of my glove box area or the back of the seat. I drove back into town for better signal and to air my tire back up, one of the front tires has a steady leak, one of many problems that continue to stack up. I don't even know why I care about the car, but I do. It has been good to me and I'd rather not wake up on fire. Well, it was good to me. Had to fix a coolant leak the other night. Luckily a random person helped out and we shot the shit for a while. Threw him a couple hits of acid for the help. Good people still exist apparently. Seems me and the car are falling apart together. Engine light has been on for a few days and I can't track down what's up unless the flat tire is triggering it somehow. If this CO exit doesn't work, I'm just going to go to the location and fast until it's all over. I'm so tired.

 

[Garbage Person]

Just got back to the spot. I've stayed out here a few nights and was completely alone. Tonight, looks like two people are setting up camp and someone crashing in a van. I'm staying out here but it looks like this isn't my moment to seize. I'm just going to wait it out. My time has to come soon, I serve no purpose to myself or anyone else anymore. At least the view is nice. Nothing grandiose or particularly unique, but it's peaceful here.

 

[Garbage Person]

Awake again, tree frogs and firelies by moonlight turned to birds chirping and dragonflies. It's so serene any time of day here. This car is like a damn oven though and I'm drenched in sweat. I quickly got dressed and checked my missed calls. I continue to get calls to set up interviews. I don't even know anymore. I think I have like 30 bucks or something and a zip lock bag full of change. I already picked the quarters dry for laundry. I apologize for bumping my own thread repeatedly, it has turned into an online journal. I have no idea what to do with today.

 

[FreddieQuell]

Hello friend, thank you for sharing your experiences in this online journal. One of the most beautiful threads on SS as far as I am concerned, I deeply sympathise. Be well

 

[Garbage Person]

@FreddieQuell Absolutely, I really appreciate that. I've been offered a position with another insurance company taking incoming calls from providers and beneficiaries. It starts late July. I lied and told them I have high speed internet. I dont, but I could invest in a jet pack and use 4g through Verizon in my area, take the calls out of my car. I don't have the money for this right now. I'm trying to sell off a half gram of molly to get some more money in my pocket so I can have gas and buy a tire plug kit. I keep getting phone interviews. If some one hires me immediately and pays weekly, I can likely afford the service and jet pack to finally gain some momentum. I still have the issue of video training to work out for the first week. Won't look good if I'm sitting in my car, those companies prefer office rooms, some require it. What they don't know won't hurt them. Suicide is pretty much just a contingency plan for if the money runs dry. I won't pan handle here. Been there, done that. Much more profitable if you have a female accomplice. I just need to gain some traction. I love this lifestyle, fuck renting. I have enough laws to follow and enough people taking a cut in life, taxes are my new rent payment.
As far as that job I quit, it would not have paid until a day after the start date for the well paying insurance gig. I would have run out of gas to get there everyday anyway.

 

[Lostandfound7]

Here with u, my friend..♡

Hoping all goes well with a job that can pay u what u need (and then some) to get u back on ur feet..♡♡♡

Ps..U can always find a nice outdoor setting for ur video training. Also, not sure if u will b using zoom or what, but some of those video meetings have different backgrounds that u can choose from so that they won't see your setting..

Good luck!!♧

 

[Garbage Person]

@Lostandfound7 Thanks a bunch, and I hope so too. I just aim to be self sufficient, that's really all. An acre or 2 at the most would serve me well and is my goal, that's literally it for now. Thanks for the tip about zoom. I have a video interview Friday that will be using it, first time for me. I had no idea that was a feature, good to know. The insurance company is just slowly feeding me info on how to proceed. Of course now that I'm sober, no one wants a drug test lol. I remember a time where I always had to pass on those jobs due to dirty urine. Was never a fan of fake piss, someone else's, or detox drinks. It's easier for me to just drop the habits. I've slowly been dropping substances over the last month. Now it's just tobacco and caffeine. Had a beer for the first time in months yesterday. Marijuana was usually the one that always stuck around. I've had my fun with all of it. Trying to keep it sharp.

 

[Garbage Person]

Pretty calm day really despite the financial situation and where I'm posting. I put together that little grill, sweating balls the whole time of course. I cooked myself a meal for the first time in seven months. Didn't have a kitchen at my old roommate's place, just trash up to the waist. After so long of just dry goods and eating straight from cans, the first bite of a grilled hot dog filled me with laughter. I've had two people stop and ask me if camping is allowed here. It is according to the posting online as well as the info sign when you enter. I woke up one morning to a conservation officer. He had his hand by his holster, naturally I put my hands up to display that I wasn't armed. I slowly rolled the window down to have a short conversation. Told him I was waiting on an interview. He didn't make any demands, just questioned a tent that has been set up here for days. It's still here. Haven't seen anyone come or go from it, but I'm not the nosy type so I've just tried to ignore it. I assume if someone was dead inside, I would have smelled the corpse by now. It's only maybe 100 meters from where I usually park. I think I've heard voices coming from inside and I've definitely seen it move a bit, it's kind of creepy. I attempted to sleep in a cemetery one night, but definitely heard the distinct sound of someone running towards my car with heavy steps on gravel. It's not gravel out there, it's dirt. There was a storm coming in and I just couldn't get my mind off of that sound and ended up leaving. I've stayed in cemeteries before but that one is a special kind of creepy with tombstones dating back to the early 1800's and is also in the middle of legal hunting grounds with a club and whatnot. I went back one night and some woman showed up and just sat near the entry. As I left, she just shot me dirty looks and followed me out. No one had seen me come out there, so I have no idea what it was all about. I won't be going back there.

Anyway, shortly after my last post about staying sober, two girls rolled up in an SUV. I waved and they did the same. They parked next to me and straight to the point asked me if I had any mushrooms. Told them I just sold the last of them two days ago and offered to go get the molly, but they were natural drugs only. I apologized for not being able to assist and she apologized for sterotyping me. I told her it's fine, she was right, we shared a laugh and they went on their way.

The sun is setting now, fireflies are super abundant as usual. Watching a few bats that came out around the same time last night. I'll be watching the skies for a bit and looking around on here. Wildlife is thriving this year. So many deer, so many ticks as well. I cant even take a short hike without picking off a half dozen when I get back. I assume it's due to such a mild winter. Hopefully lyme disease doesn't end up being a new hurdle.

Even after grilling, there's plenty of charcoal here for the coming days. I have no idea what to expect anymore, everyday comes with a different emotion to wake up with. I feel alright tonight though, no matter what the future holds. I miss my kids, I'll say that much. My ex and I can't get along. She called the police last visit because we kept arguing and I didn't want to leave. I left before the cops arrived because that's the last thing I need right now. I can't even go into my home town and park anywhere without eventually finding one parked somewhere close. No idea if they're watching me due to the few sales I've made there lately, the loitering, or the domestic dispute. Maybe it's not even about me, who knows. As long as they keep the distance, it's all kosher. The ex and I agreed that we need a mediator. I'm hoping my father agrees to it, but he puts his church before family so I'm not counting on it. Jehovah's witnesses, that should say enough. It would be better than dealing with her bitter ass family though. Anyway, this is long past the point of being a wall of text and it's all over the place. I'm sure I'll be around.

 

[Good4Nothing]

Best of luck to you, man. I think you can do it. I think you can put your life back together. You seem very intelligent and resourceful, and you seem a sensitive soul with a fighting spirit. I've been where you are. If I can do it, you for sure can.

 

[Garbage Person]

@Good4Nothing Thanks man, I really appreciate the words of encouragement, they mean a lot. I definitely have to be as resourceful as possible in this situation. Even something as simple as showering requires a good deal of tact and prep. I've already had a few embarrassing mishaps that probably made a few people feel like this is third world country now. I feel like there's always something new to learn, I've made many dumb decisions in my life that make it hard for me to see myself as intelligent, but I can always learn from those decisions as well. I've definitely got the fight in me. I think I got it from my mother, she never gave up and it serves as a reminder to me everyday. I wish she could have met her grandkids. She would actually want to be involved in their lives and help me fight for that right as well. I don't want t get carried away, I feel too chatty for some reason. Thanks again, really.

 

[Dreamless Sleep]

Just wanted to let you know I was reading your posts and I'm glad you're hanging in there. Like the above person said... you're clearly very intelligent and well spoken, so it seems that you just need to keep your focus on what you need/want in your life and make it happen.

I'm sorry to hear about the difficulties with seeing your kids, but maybe when other shit gets going in a positive direction that will fall into place too.

 

[Garbage Person]

@Dreamless Sleep Thanks for reading and taking a moment to post. The interactions here certainly help me feel less alone and that's really meaningful for me in these times. I don't partake in social media and most of my interactions with people in the world are brief and generally not personal. I've sold almost all of my belongings, I'm surprised how easy it was to let go of so much. There's so little that I want. I feel like I spent so much time trying to please others that I lost myself. Independence is about all I can hope and strive for at this point. I don't expect to be happy, but content would be an acceptable goal. A life without so much worry, you know? I don't want to worry about when my next dose comes, or the next pay, the next lay, the next like, the next distraction, worried about what my neighbor has that I don't, etc. I want to shed all of that bullshit to the best of my abilities. I don't feel as if I have a personality or ego anymore, both feel like such manufactured and synthetic ideas to me. The problem is that I feel like death will ultimately bring me what I desire here, it will be natural to worry about the next base need; where's the next meal, when can I get clean water, etc. It would be arrogant for me to find joy in that fact and put myself above others simply because I don't want to take part in the system anymore that exploits people and is only perfect for the select few in the upper echelons of society. I don't want to be follower in any manner, but I have nothing worth leading. I don't really know what I want completely, it's likely similar to everyone else if I start to think of others and the world outside my little car. I just know what I need, and you're right. I just have to stay focused. In retrospect, this post probably isn't focused.

 

[who doesn't matter]

I was reading through your "travel blogs" and man you are awesome. I have never seen someone steer around their life like this. Glad you are still with us.

 

[Dreamless Sleep]

That's ok. I suspect it's the case for a lot of us here. If we knew exactly what we wanted we might just be quietly gathering information and putting our plan in place... not reaching out for some kind of contact with others, whatever it may be.

And for some of us our desires change a bit each day depending on our mood or current situation... and that's ok too. We're all just doing the best we can with what life throws at us every time we wake up.

 

[Garbage Person]

@Vinay4853 Likewise, I'm glad you're all with me. We all share the suffering that is life, seems it's unavoidable. All religions and sales are based on this, selling a cure for our ailment that is life and that same suffering. I'll be posting here until I'm either dead or feel recovered, in which case I'd probably still post, but in the recovery section instead. The next few days will tell me a lot most likely.

@Dreamless Sleep Word. It really is all day by day, ever changing.

 

[Lostandfound7]

You are truly amazing, @Garbage Person ...

I am sincerely hoping and praying for a HUGE turnaround/miracle in your life..

 

[Bombasflower]

Like others have said, you are amazing.
I sincerely pull through this, you seem like a very interesting person.
Your stories give me new hope in my life as well, just the recoursefullness the way of observing the life around you.
It inspires me. Thank you.

 

[Garbage Person]

@Lostandfound7 Thanks for that, I really hope something amazing comes along. I could really use a good happening.

@Bombasflower Thanks, I'm glad that my life has inspired you in some way. I'll definitely be trying to make this all work.

I just woke up, feeling overwhelmed by how many interviews I've set up. I need to make a memo with all the times and places as I can't keep it straight in my head anymore. I'm going to shower, shave, and ride into town. I hate going into town, really. I need to take that bag of change to a coin star, fill up my tank, and I'll probably buckle and buy a proper pack of smokes. These roll your owns just don't do it for me for very long. I know it's a dumb purchase when I'm down to 30 bucks, my preferred brand are now 10 bucks a pack here in IL. Stupid. Hopefully someone will buy the last of the drugs or something, it's doubtful though unless I meet a stranger that wants it. I'll be back on when I get some things done, can't waste the morning not getting anything done. I love you.

 

[Garbage Person]

I'm at a loss at the moment. Stopped by my father's to grab my postmates prepaid card for orders. I should have set up my bank account with them sooner as it claims to take 5 to 7 days to process. I thought working for them through the delivery app would be a good way to make some money now. I ended up insuring my vehicle a couple weeks ago just to avoid having it taken from me if I got pulled over as well as opening other doors for employment where tips are possible. My father decided to give me grief fo leaving the sandwich shop. I asked him how I was supposed to pay for gas to get there when a paycheck was three weeks away, he just chuckled and said I'm good at doing things the unconventional way. Recommended I stay at the local shelter. I have the voice of my ex in my head reminding me that I'm a piece of shit and my life is disgusting, her words. I told my father we're both good at making excuses. He tried to find work for extra money but assumes his age keeps him from getting hired, he's in his 60s so thats probably true. He lives off his social security, savings plan. Rubbed it in my face that he doesn't need a job and recommended that I go work at mcdonalds. He's one of those people that's always right and has to make others feel dumb, kind of a condescending person. I can't really bitch about him much, he put food on the table but just wasn't really around. Worked 70 plus hours a week. Never learned anything from him as a result and the house lacked discipline as well. He put his life into a company that went under.

I think the last time I counted, I've worked for about 36 different companies ranging from 1 day of work to a little over 3 years. I don't see an issue with job hopping if you're not passionate about your current role and the new job offers better pay or more upwards mobility. I spent 20 bucks on gas just now and bought that pack of smokes. Had 28 in cash, 2 and some change in my bank account. My credit score is 470, so loans and credit cards are out of the question. That insurance payment and phone bill are creeping up on me. I'm really just fucked. I don't think there's a feasible way out of this. I could go out of town and rob some cashiers at knife point, but I really don't want to take that route, it's too dirty and not my way of life. I could utilize the shelter since I haven't been taking the Tramadol (got it for severe tooth pain) so I could pass the urine screening and just not mention the meds. Still, I have shelter already, that's not what I need. It would just serve as an indoctrination process for putting me back in a home where I'll pay rent, something I want to avoid like the plague. I really don't know what to do. I'm just stuck. Its likely the end of my road soon just as I claimed when I started the thread. I've made my bed and now I can lay in it.
Meanwhile, I got a voicemail from the insurance company about how excited they are to have me on the team. If only they knew. It's really too bad this all fell apart. Working out of my car and stacking money would have been so tits.

 

[Garbage Person]

I've been at the spot for most of the day aside from gassing up, seeing my dad, and grabbing some groceries (thankful for food stamps). Some guy from CO was here this morning. Said he was avoiding groups and trying to sort shit out. He offered to smoke a bowl, I should have taken the offer and sat by the stream with him for a while. I was on my way to shower anyway and I'd still rather stay sober. He was gone when I got back. Spoke with some fishermen on their way to the Mississippi river, pointed out an Amish place that sells fresh organic produce. That would be great if I had cash. Started up the coals and had hot dogs again and roasted some carrots, cauliflower, and broccoli. Put some cheese on that instead of salt or spices. A couple just left me an ice water from sonic with a note on a napkin that read "we had an extra, hope it cools you off :)" and they are apparently bringing me some dinner as we speak. Told them I already ate but they insisted. The people coming through here are so kind. Everyone I've ran into is for the most part. Seems my home town is the place full of twats. Nepotism runs wild and people just grimace and look annoyed all the time. There's good there too, it's just not as apparent. That or people just assume I'm riff raff using the town as my shitting grounds.

I wish I had a partner sometimes. I'd probably still have that feeling of loneliness, it never really did it for me in the past so why expect different results, right? I feel so weird, I don't really know what I'm doing. I've never been flat broke in a situation that mattered. Just always couch surfing, and letting myself drift. Not the first time I've been homeless, the other times were by choice though. Seen a pretty good chunk of the United States outside of the east coast, bits of Canada and Mexico, never outside of the continent though.

Im thankful to have this place to post for now. It feels odd sometimes. I don't know if this will be a recovery story or the end of a life. I glad to share the space with you. This feels like a digital campfire where all the lonely people congregate to sit in silence and acknowledge one another's hardships. I'm thankful for anyone who reads this and shares a moment with me. I wish I had the capability to help someone. Others seem to know what they want sometimes, Im not sure I've ever known exactly what would do it for me, just theories with little action on my part. I hope you're well tonight, even if just a little bit.

 

[Garbage Person]

The last 24 hours have given me some considerable hope. Those same people that had left me ice water returned with many bags of food, water, tp, and threw me 20 bucks and dinner. All I had told them was that I was going through a rough time but didn't elaborate. They had someone do the same for them recently. The dude from CO also returned and we kicked it throughout the whole evening and night, building a fire, walking around the lake and woods, and just shooting the shit. We plan to keep in touch and meet again, he's in a similar boat, just not knowing what to do with life. In the morning, he brought me some lunch and a tire repair kit. I feel very relieved in a social aspect especially. Car and van living is really taking off apparently. People are waking up to how unsatisfying a life of material gains can really be. Know there are good people to meet out there. It's not all bad.

I plan to register with instacart, grubhub, and possibly some others as well. Postmates got me one delivery today. Made 4 from the company but the individual tipped 14 dollars. Not bad for 20 minutes worth of effort. I have a video interview (2nd) tomorrow for used auto detailing. It will pay weekly for the first 30 days if I recall correctly. That should help me get the money for insurance, phone, jetpack, and service for the insurance job if they can start me asap. Meanwhile, I'll be doing what I can to make cash in my spare time. Found a buyer for some of the molly and the rest of the acid, but I need my stash house friend to wake up first so I can pick it up. Need my boots too so I can venture deeper into the woods. I need to find areas I can dig that aren't traveled so I can hide things I can't travel with. I've had multiple inquiries at the place Im at most, so that's a good business opportunity.

I'm doing laundry at the mat and plan to plug the tire after this. Just trying to stay busy and not stress too much. Day at a time, it's all I can do. Hopefully things go according to plan, and if they don't, I'll cross that bridge when it comes. I hope you're well tonight. The community is definitely on my mind frequently even though I know none of you personally, please know I care.

 

[who doesn't matter]

The last 24 hours have given me some considerable hope. Those same people that had left me ice water returned with many bags of food, water, tp, and threw me 20 bucks and dinner. All I had told them was that I was going through a rough time but didn't elaborate. They had someone do the same for them recently. The dude from CO also returned and we kicked it throughout the whole evening and night, building a fire, walking around the lake and woods, and just shooting the shit. We plan to keep in touch and meet again, he's in a similar boat, just not knowing what to do with life. In the morning, he brought me some lunch and a tire repair kit. I feel very relieved in a social aspect especially. Car and van living is really taking off apparently. People are waking up to how unsatisfying a life of material gains can really be. Know there are good people to meet out there. It's not all bad.

I plan to register with instacart, grubhub, and possibly some others as well. Postmates got me one delivery today. Made 4 from the company but the individual tipped 14 dollars. Not bad for 20 minutes worth of effort. I have a video interview (2nd) tomorrow for used auto detailing. It will pay weekly for the first 30 days if I recall correctly. That should help me get the money for insurance, phone, jetpack, and service for the insurance job if they can start me asap. Meanwhile, I'll be doing what I can to make cash in my spare time. Found a buyer for some of the molly and the rest of the acid, but I need my stash house friend to wake up first so I can pick it up. Need my boots too so I can venture deeper into the woods. I need to find areas I can dig that aren't traveled so I can hide things I can't travel with. I've had multiple inquiries at the place Im at most, so that's a good business opportunity.

I'm doing laundry at the mat and plan to plug the tire after this. Just trying to stay busy and not stress too much. Day at a time, it's all I can do. Hopefully things go according to plan, and if they don't, I'll cross that bridge when it comes. I hope you're well tonight. The community is definitely on my mind frequently even though I know none of you personally, please know I care.

Well well, someone is making progress. All the best for the interview.

 

[Step40]

some times taking it day by day is what we need.
May I ask do you feel that being so close around nature and not having to conform to the norm is maybe helping you a bit?
Oh and good luck with the interview

 

[Lostandfound7]

Things r beginning to look "up" for u, my friend...

Plz keep us posted on the interview! I look so forward to reading ur entries..

Wishing u nothing but the best, and that doors will open for u♡♡♡

 

[Garbage Person]

@Vinay4853 I hope this is progress. I've progressed to the next day and that's a small victory for me.

@Step40 Of course, feel free to ask anything that comes to mind. Thanks for the good wishes too. It does help, but it's kind of its own battle. I always feel like shit everytime I have to return to any town or city. Its hard to fight the urge to just walk off into the woods and not return, like a return to form. There's certainly nothing new or original about what I'm doing so I try my best to not give anything more meaning that what it really means. To society, I'm still just a homeless dude and a financial and academic failure, but it's clear that people still value the human experience and one another no matter the situation, especially in a park like this. Being in nature certainly helps me though. There's not so many distractions out there and it's just calming. I've always had a rebellious spirt, so avoiding the norm feels like its what I'm meant to do. I'm finally being myself and trying to learn more about myself at the same time.

@Lostandfound7 Things have been looking up as I move towards my goal of obtaining a job I can travel with. Thanks again for all the kind wishes.

The interview went too well in a way. It was for an auto detailer. In the end, she said I seemed over qualified and asked me if I'd be interested in a sales position if one becomes available. She said it wouldn't disqualify me from the pool of applicants for the detailing position, so there is still hope there. I hope I still get it. The weekly pay would be great for me right now and I kind of feel back to square one.

I feel like ass right now. I stayed up all night chilling with the dude that helped me fix the coolant leak. Offered for me to come over for a bit. I finally got to the stash house around 5 am. I ended up using the last of some shitty coke that I had and a little molly that was just all prepped on a plate. Wanted to just be done with it all but not let it go to waste. I sold part of the molly and traded the rest for a pharmaceutical that I hadn't heard of or tried. I researched it before making the trade and was offered a sample, so I took about 40mg at 9am. They are the 70mg vyvanse pills. If school was in session, I could probably cop 10 a pill from students. It seems to be pretty similar to adderall. After crashing from the shit early in the morning and using that, I just felt sluggish but yet speedy all afternoon. It was pretty terrible. I parked at a local library to do the video interview and then drove back to the park to sleep. Kept waking up drenched or to people at my window asking if I was okay. Burned the space between my index and middle finger by falling asleep with a lit cigarette, I couldn't keep my eyes open even though my heart rate was through the roof. I'm done using stimulants, at this point I'd have to seek them out anyway. The vyvanse is too long acting for my taste, seems like a weird hybrid that falls between amphetamine and methamphetamine. It didn't help me focus, just left me feeling out of it. Probably due to the cocktail thay went up nose and no sleep the night prior. I just wanted something to keep me going through the day but I was too exhausted.

I'm just blank right now after waking up. I'm really thankful for the people here that understand what it's like to just not be satisfied with life. I keep thinking about the times I'm missing with my kids, it's like a nightmare that plagues most waking moments for me. It especially hurts seeing what appear to be happy families, makes me feel like there could have been an alternate time line where my ex and I lived a satisfying life with our children. I keep wondering, if I'm such a piece of shit, why did she have two children with me in a three year span? It just doesn't make sense to me. I don't even feel like I can complain about anything without sounding like a spoiled child. Things don't go your way sometimes, I just have to carry on I guess. It sucks, really bad.

I've found myself eyeballing my charcoal and just wondering if shedding this vessel, this prison, is still my end game. I've spent such a great deal of my life idolizing and fantasizing suicide. I don't have a concrete theory on the afterlife. It feels like a waste of energy. On one hand, science seems to point towards something akin to pre birth, non existence. Then again, science seeks to destroy the ideals of mysticism and spirit. Maybe those things tie into giving things more meaning than what it is, similar to hallucinogens, religious ideals, and love. I'm just fucking lost, trying not to follow. Please be well, I'll likely be around tonight if anyone wants to chat.

 

[Garbage Person]

I haven't been taking any time to entertain myself with any media lately. I decided to watch something, as I've just hanging out in town tonight outside a laundry mat. I'd highly recommend Waking Life to anyone who hasn't already seen it. Its easily my favorite film and I revisit it every few years. It's visually striking (uses the art of rotoscoping), and serves as great dive into the essence of the human experience, dreams, and the world around us. It's composed mainly as sets of conversations, stories, and poetry. It's excellent, check it out if you're in the mood for such a thing. The themes in the movie are generally more inspiring and thought provoking than the scene posted, but this one keeps with the themes of SS.