justletmesleep
Member
- May 4, 2024
- 7
I am currently doing uni, and I'm in a bad place. I'm desperate to be heard, to be seen, so desperate in fact I've written a lengthy email to my professor of all people, a teacher who I like and who I came to for support once when I was struggling. And maybe I've gotten attached to that. I know it's weird, why the hell would I write this? But I did, and I just want to get all of my feelings out there.
I thought I'd post it here. Because I am suffocating not being able to share my feelings. I sent it. I don't know what I'm doing anymore.
Dear X,
I honestly don't know what I'm doing anymore.
I am writing to you because I don't know what else to do. All this word vomit should be going straight to my therapist, I know. I have told all relevant people an account of recent events and my mental state, but I see my therapist on Friday and I am achingly impatient. Hopefully, I won't ever have to burden anyone again. I just need to tell someone. Anyone. It hurts.
I have not been normal lately. I've been far from normal. So far in fact that don't know what I am anymore. Well, that's not exactly true, I know am a lot of things that are—I have realised—not particularly good. I never really knew what I was. Who I was. Who I am. In a literal sense. It's confusing.
Honestly, I'm surprised I'm still showing up to class at all. Also considering there is a high chance I'll be failing your composition class at this point. In fact, I know I will, since I haven't started the presentation and have no desire to even look at my compositions. I've never failed anything at school before, this is a first. I don't want to fail though, if I do, I'll lose the sliver of motivation I'm clinging to, and then I'll truly be nothing.
I simply don't know how much more I can handle. How much longer I can walk around like a lifeless zombie before I properly depart from life. I know you're my teacher, and most likely the reason I feel so inclined to send this email to you (I apologise again) is that I have you for the majority of my classes, and our tutorials each Thursday enable a closer inter-personal relationship. The only relationship apart from Joey I seem to have developed here. Maybe also because you are wise. You understand the musician's suffering. And I admire that.
I don't feel like I belong here. Not when I have no motivation to truly integrate myself with the community. Not when I have no desire to even play my own instruments. Especially not when I can't even be bothered to do my work. I don't know what I want to do, if I want to do anything at all, I thought this was it.
I'm worried what I will do if I drop out, I'm worried what I'll do if I don't. Either way the future doesn't look promising.
I feel I have let everyone down, if they care about my actions to begin with. I know that once I'm gone everyone will be more dismayed, but at least I won't be around to face it. That's what I've always been. A coward. A lazy one.
All I want is to be acknowledged, to be seen, to be understood. To feel like I have a place in this world, in someone's mind, maybe in someone's heart. I want my feelings to be heard. I have never stuck up for myself, never spoke up, now all I want to do is scream. Even just for someone to read this email, even for you to read it, just to see this, see me. I have never been able to tell anyone anything, I'm fed up with that. I don't know what to do, and I'm scared.
But, you probably won't even see this. Maybe that's for the best.
I thought I'd post it here. Because I am suffocating not being able to share my feelings. I sent it. I don't know what I'm doing anymore.
Dear X,
I honestly don't know what I'm doing anymore.
I am writing to you because I don't know what else to do. All this word vomit should be going straight to my therapist, I know. I have told all relevant people an account of recent events and my mental state, but I see my therapist on Friday and I am achingly impatient. Hopefully, I won't ever have to burden anyone again. I just need to tell someone. Anyone. It hurts.
I have not been normal lately. I've been far from normal. So far in fact that don't know what I am anymore. Well, that's not exactly true, I know am a lot of things that are—I have realised—not particularly good. I never really knew what I was. Who I was. Who I am. In a literal sense. It's confusing.
Honestly, I'm surprised I'm still showing up to class at all. Also considering there is a high chance I'll be failing your composition class at this point. In fact, I know I will, since I haven't started the presentation and have no desire to even look at my compositions. I've never failed anything at school before, this is a first. I don't want to fail though, if I do, I'll lose the sliver of motivation I'm clinging to, and then I'll truly be nothing.
I simply don't know how much more I can handle. How much longer I can walk around like a lifeless zombie before I properly depart from life. I know you're my teacher, and most likely the reason I feel so inclined to send this email to you (I apologise again) is that I have you for the majority of my classes, and our tutorials each Thursday enable a closer inter-personal relationship. The only relationship apart from Joey I seem to have developed here. Maybe also because you are wise. You understand the musician's suffering. And I admire that.
I don't feel like I belong here. Not when I have no motivation to truly integrate myself with the community. Not when I have no desire to even play my own instruments. Especially not when I can't even be bothered to do my work. I don't know what I want to do, if I want to do anything at all, I thought this was it.
I'm worried what I will do if I drop out, I'm worried what I'll do if I don't. Either way the future doesn't look promising.
I feel I have let everyone down, if they care about my actions to begin with. I know that once I'm gone everyone will be more dismayed, but at least I won't be around to face it. That's what I've always been. A coward. A lazy one.
All I want is to be acknowledged, to be seen, to be understood. To feel like I have a place in this world, in someone's mind, maybe in someone's heart. I want my feelings to be heard. I have never stuck up for myself, never spoke up, now all I want to do is scream. Even just for someone to read this email, even for you to read it, just to see this, see me. I have never been able to tell anyone anything, I'm fed up with that. I don't know what to do, and I'm scared.
But, you probably won't even see this. Maybe that's for the best.
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