Ambivalent on recovering

[DyingToDie123]

Hi. I'm coming out of a suicide attempt, the latest of 15-20 though the first I was hospitalized for. (They didn't bother to send me to a psych ward because I had a positive covid test that made me ineligible for most units.)

There's part of me that wants to try to find help, but I don't even know where I'd start. I've done IOP, PHP, residential, lots of meds, ketamine, inpatient, etc. and none of it's helped. I haven't done TMS or ECT but honestly I'm not sure if I want to be zapped into feeling better? I kinda really want to die by suicide, maybe partially for petty reasons like proving a point to people who wronged me, but I suck at killing myself, so maybe I should just suck it up and get better? But I also apparently suck at getting better. So I don't know what to do.

 

[MisplacedGirl]

Since they didn't send you to a psych ward, I'm assuming you didn't receive any psychological support while you were hospitalised. Can I ask, for how long did you stick with each of the treatment methods? I know some treatment methods can take longer than others to kick in. In my opinion, there'd be no harm in trying TMS or ECT. If you're seriously considering suicide, you may as well give your last options a try.

 

[HopingOnaMiracle]

TMS has very little/no side effects so it won't hurt. Takes a lot of time though I've been getting treatment for months and Im not even hanf way.

ECT has side effects like memory loss but who cares about that if it saves your life.

If you're really that desperate and beyond hope doesn't it make sense to try everything?

 

[DyingToDie123]

Can I ask, for how long did you stick with each of the treatment methods? I know some treatment methods can take longer than others to kick in.

IOP - 3 weeks and 6 weeks
PHP - 1 week and 5 weeks
Residential - 2 months
Meds - I've been on my current regimen for about 2 years?
Ketamine - I think I did 12 sessions? Don't remember
Inpatient - 8 times, 3 - 12 days