Venting Ambivalent about death

[Anonymoususer1234]

Just me venting my feelings. Feel free not to read.

Sometimes I really genuinely do want to die, the future feels hopeless and I'm so horribly small. In those moments I'm a like an animal that wants nothing more than to be put out of it's misery. Like nothing else in the world exists except my pain.

But it's wierd because there are other times when I can see the beauty of the world and I feel grateful that I'm here. Where I think maybe I have a future.

I'm split 50/50 between wanting to live and wanting to die.

I don't know if I even really count as suicidal. I'd never actually go through with it. At least not now. But it's a constant lingering thought at the very back of my mind. Especially during moments of stress and loneliness.

My ultimate wish is to vanish painless, without a trace, without me even knowing that it's happening. I want it to be like I never even existed in the first place.

I really don't know what to make of it. I think I'm doing okay. I know I'm doing better than my past self, if that counts for anything.

 

[parader]

i can relate so much to this...
i really love the idea of life itself, existing, being able to interact with the world and being almost blessed to contemplate the beautiful things when they come my way
even when i feel like i'm done for and it's time to put an end to it is not because i hate life or anything, i love it so much i wish i could live forever
but living is not easy, it's not free and it costs me so much literally and metaphorically :(
and because of that most of the time i feel like i'm just not strong enough to afford the price...
i can't handle any more pain, i can't handle anything most of the time
i'm so grateful to exist and yet i wish i never did

 

[Anonymoususer1234]

i can relate so much to this...
i really love the idea of life itself, existing, being able to interact with the world and being almost blessed to contemplate the beautiful things when they come my way
even when i feel like i'm done for and it's time to put an end to it is not because i hate life or anything, i love it so much i wish i could live forever
but living is not easy, it's not free and it costs me so much literally and metaphorically :(
and because of that most of the time i feel like i'm just not strong enough to afford the price...
i can't handle any more pain, i can't handle anything most of the time
i'm so grateful to exist and yet i wish i never did

This. I feel the exact same. The cost is so much and I'm so fragile but the world has beauty in it, too and that matters. Reading this reply was like looking into a mirror. Thanks for making me feel understood.

 

[parader]

This. I feel the exact same. The cost is so much and I'm so fragile but the world has beauty in it, too and that matters. Reading this reply was like looking into a mirror. Thanks for making me feel understood.

reading your opening post was like looking into a mirror as well
and it's so nice to find someone here who understands one can be passionate about life and be suicidal at the same time
i'm also doing so much better than my past self, i'm wiser, i know that bad times come and go, everything passes
but what if i can't wait anymore? i'm just getting tired
i wish to live so bad but not the life i'm living right now

i hope i get to it eventually, i hope i can hold on until there but i don't know

 

[FuneralCry]

It's very much understandable just wishing to disappear, that certainly sounds so ideal to me, but anyway it must be tiring dealing with those conflicting feelings, I wish you the best in whatever happens going forward.