I feel really ambivalent.
I'm having really bad symptoms, but if I go to a doctor there's too much risk of getting hospitalized again. It's not worth it to me. I wish the mental health system was not intertwined with rules that allowed for captivity. There is in fact no way to to interact with the mental system without danger of hospitalizations for long periods of time or forced medications. I feel bad about mentioning this stuff here and I really wish everyone here could be happy and I don't want to make anyone more likely to do it. I'm just so fucking sad all the time and terrified of feeling worse and being unable to do it. I am lonely and that's why I post here, because if I try to talk to a someone, I'll get up hospitalized, billed for my involuntary stay, which I can't afford, and it won't improve things. It's like if you say "I'm sad and miserable" they use as an opportunity to financially exploit people.