Unfortunately, I never got a degree and I have an equivalent of a highschool diploma (not from the US). I was always an underachiever and that would be my downfall for the next decade. I failed out of 2 universities. Parents were too trusting and believed I could do it so they financially supported me but in the end I turned out to be a big failure. Happiness isn't the thing I'm after rather than being able to live independently. But I'm full of excuses and fear. Never really learned to function in the real world because I always chose the way of least resistance.
I'm not jealous of extremely successful people. I envy normal people who can pay their bills and don't need financial assistance. I would never call these people losers. They're better than me in every way. Writing this down made me realize that I shouldn't really wonder why I feel quite alone with my struggles. Everyone figures that out eventually. I didn't.
My sister asked me once what I actually want. That question is still somewhat hard for me to answer. If you don't know what you want, how can you make goals. Maybe I'm afraid of voicing what I really want because I'm ashamed or I have the weird assumption that somebody like me should not want that. Who knows.
Shame is really the biggest problem I'm facing. It hinders me from doing anything. Even now I feel ashamed for dumping all that text here. I don't know how to fix that.
I see. Well... first off, I think it's great that you're not jealous of extremely successful people. Because so many out there spend time on social media being jealous of extremely successful people, and since it's unrealistic of them to become that way, they are perpetually miserable.
You are jealous of regular people who have jobs. And I believe (unless you have serious mental illness) that you can get one. You shouldn't feel ashamed if you are trying to better yourself, so don't let that hold you back! People may judge/ask questions a little at first about your situation, but frankly most people won't think about you that much, because the truth is that everyone is primarily focused on their own lives and concerns.
At the end of the day, if you can get a job that you like, and live out the rest of your life just enjoying every day as much as you can, you will be more successful than the millions of people who have good incomes but are miserable and unfulfilled.
I appreciate that and think you are correct if you would be saying that to a normal person, but I'm not normal. I have aspergers to begin with, but in the middle of elementary school I got severely addicted to the internet, and I do not say that lightly. It was the kind of addiction where I started pushing my parents out of my room, completely disassociating from the real world and not being able to function without being plugged in.
This wasn't just like for a few hours per day, but 8-12 hours most days for 10 years. It began when I was 12 years old and for some reason none of my parents did anything about it. Since I got sucked in so early I bonded with the screen and genuinely didn't know I was living a completely sick lifestyle until I hit my 20's. The kind of damage that this type of escapism/addiction leaves on the brain is irreversible imo. Maybe I'm just feeling sorry for myself, but I think I'm being realistic that there is no hope and that CTB is the only way for me to truly fix this...
I'm 23 and have Asperger's too. Am kind of similar in that I spend way more time on the computer than with people (I did go to college and have a job until recently though)
Have you tried therapy/dopamine detoxes? Since you're only 22 you can still change a lot. If you're not actually "doing" anything (except e.g., playing video games), then maybe you could start by finding ways to retreat from society that involve the real world. Read a book, create art, find just one hobby to take up and slowly go from there. Here's some more information:
What helped me also was figuring out what specifically I was addicted to and rationalizing myself to stop. First I was obsessed with watching every YouTube video from every channel I subscribed to (even if I wasn't interested in the video I had to watch it). I focused on internalizing how irrational and how much of a waste of time it was. Then it was video games. I told myself how it was a fake world and that I need to interact with real events. Then I wanted to research sports statistics. I told myself how sport is just a distraction and doesn't matter in the grand scheme of things until I stopped. Now it's more that I want to be on social media and be the first to respond to any news. It gives me dopamine and I keep coming back. I'm trying to tell myself that my reading about news doesn't actually affect anything that happens, and that I can use this time to actually "do" something.
