This is a little long but please read because I need someone to talk to
I left an abusive relationship in Feb 2022. It was verbal, and physical abuse. A lot of emotional terrorizing and gaslighting, and cheating.
For a few months, I was doing better being free of that. I started dating someone else in August 2023. It's been all up and down. Things were great until his car broke in September which left us only able to see each other once a week. It wasn't a big deal to me but he was convinced it would be the end of the relationship. I kept being reassuring.
There was a couple drunk incidents of him verbally lashing out with insecurities but in an accusatory way. One time he was black out drunk and broke up with me, was just really nasty. That was in December and in Feb I broke up with him because I really couldn't get over it even though the drinking stopped. (He is just a social drinker, not a habitual daily drinker.)
I fucked up and slept with someone else, lied about it in Feb. It was dishonest, I essentially cheated considering we got back together after a couple weeks. In the past, when I'm in unhappy relationships especially up and down ones like this I would take out my stress by drinking and making poor decisions. In short, we got back together in Spring and talked about the cheating this August. It was a whirlwind of being cursed at and called names, and just really I felt like ending it for most of August. I feel like I deserve it for cheating.
The only good news in all of this is that I've learned how to manage my anxiety through working out. I've learned how to not default into sleeping in bed all day or not eating. I can be functionally severely depressed now, and appear pretty normal unless you know me well. We started working on things and they seemed to be going good until this month. He was set to move in, and got drunk at a family members, insisted I check his facebook messages. The way he phrased it, it sounded like it was a big deal. It kinda was, he'd been flirting with his friend online and she had even asked him out on a date. Throughout all this, I'd told him if he ever wanted an open relationship I was fine with it but he insisted he didn't want or need anyone else. On top of that, I found out a week ago that he'd been talking sexually to people online our entire relationship.
He'd made me feel bad and guilty for finding other people attractive and accused me of being sexual with people online when I wasn't. I kind of blew up, I broke up with him and kicked him out. We still spend time together every day though. I felt kind of at peace with breaking up, and like things might get better. But then I went right back to trying to fix things. I'm bi and was fine with an open relationship from the beginning so I suggest that, but he doesn't want men involved. Maybe swinging. No, that involves other men. He insists he doesn't need to flirt or talk to other people, so I settle today on a closed monogamous relationship, nothing extra.
Well he's already started talking flirty to another woman states away. I asked if he would stop talking to her if we went back to dating and he said probably not. I feel like I'm going crazy. He's been really helpful in a lot of ways, he got me into practicing healthy habits to deal with depression and genuinely seems to care. But now it's like, I'm finally giving him what he wants which is a monogamous closed relationship (I had asked about experimenting with women because I was in those abusive situations so long from teenage years to my 30s so it was a delicate topic). And now it isn't enough. I just generally feel not enough.
The woman he is talking to is gorgeous, she has more tattoos and piercings than me, she is like model status. I struggle with self image a lot. I have intense body dysmorphia. I've struggled with depression my entire life, as long as I can remember I've had suicidal thoughts. I'm getting back on Lexapro which helped a lot with insecurity and anxiety. But right now I'm spiraling so hard and I feel like this is never going to end. I feel trapped. I always end up in these relationships. Maybe this one will be different? Am I stupid for wanting to continue to try? I feel so stupid and like I'm going crazy.
I left an abusive relationship in Feb 2022. It was verbal, and physical abuse. A lot of emotional terrorizing and gaslighting, and cheating.
For a few months, I was doing better being free of that. I started dating someone else in August 2023. It's been all up and down. Things were great until his car broke in September which left us only able to see each other once a week. It wasn't a big deal to me but he was convinced it would be the end of the relationship. I kept being reassuring.
There was a couple drunk incidents of him verbally lashing out with insecurities but in an accusatory way. One time he was black out drunk and broke up with me, was just really nasty. That was in December and in Feb I broke up with him because I really couldn't get over it even though the drinking stopped. (He is just a social drinker, not a habitual daily drinker.)
I fucked up and slept with someone else, lied about it in Feb. It was dishonest, I essentially cheated considering we got back together after a couple weeks. In the past, when I'm in unhappy relationships especially up and down ones like this I would take out my stress by drinking and making poor decisions. In short, we got back together in Spring and talked about the cheating this August. It was a whirlwind of being cursed at and called names, and just really I felt like ending it for most of August. I feel like I deserve it for cheating.
The only good news in all of this is that I've learned how to manage my anxiety through working out. I've learned how to not default into sleeping in bed all day or not eating. I can be functionally severely depressed now, and appear pretty normal unless you know me well. We started working on things and they seemed to be going good until this month. He was set to move in, and got drunk at a family members, insisted I check his facebook messages. The way he phrased it, it sounded like it was a big deal. It kinda was, he'd been flirting with his friend online and she had even asked him out on a date. Throughout all this, I'd told him if he ever wanted an open relationship I was fine with it but he insisted he didn't want or need anyone else. On top of that, I found out a week ago that he'd been talking sexually to people online our entire relationship.
He'd made me feel bad and guilty for finding other people attractive and accused me of being sexual with people online when I wasn't. I kind of blew up, I broke up with him and kicked him out. We still spend time together every day though. I felt kind of at peace with breaking up, and like things might get better. But then I went right back to trying to fix things. I'm bi and was fine with an open relationship from the beginning so I suggest that, but he doesn't want men involved. Maybe swinging. No, that involves other men. He insists he doesn't need to flirt or talk to other people, so I settle today on a closed monogamous relationship, nothing extra.
Well he's already started talking flirty to another woman states away. I asked if he would stop talking to her if we went back to dating and he said probably not. I feel like I'm going crazy. He's been really helpful in a lot of ways, he got me into practicing healthy habits to deal with depression and genuinely seems to care. But now it's like, I'm finally giving him what he wants which is a monogamous closed relationship (I had asked about experimenting with women because I was in those abusive situations so long from teenage years to my 30s so it was a delicate topic). And now it isn't enough. I just generally feel not enough.
The woman he is talking to is gorgeous, she has more tattoos and piercings than me, she is like model status. I struggle with self image a lot. I have intense body dysmorphia. I've struggled with depression my entire life, as long as I can remember I've had suicidal thoughts. I'm getting back on Lexapro which helped a lot with insecurity and anxiety. But right now I'm spiraling so hard and I feel like this is never going to end. I feel trapped. I always end up in these relationships. Maybe this one will be different? Am I stupid for wanting to continue to try? I feel so stupid and like I'm going crazy.
