Venting Am I selfish/ too privileged to feel this way.

[SD2007]

I feel so just awful for wanting to ctb. I am 18. Not bad off Financially, Healthy (haven't even been sick for about 7 years, Have a fairly good family but the fact I have no friends is killing me. I haven't had a good group of local friends since I was 14. I live in Ireland and the majority of my friends have been from England as I just get on with English people so much better. I see people my age in school and people I work with going out drinking and meeting up with each other while I go home and either just study or walk my dogs. I see people who are homeless and I just wonder how they don't just end it. Anyways I'm not sure if I'm asking for advice or what but I'm just going to ctb after my exams are done in June.

 

[cinnadoggirl1]

wanna say; I'm in a very similar boat. I've had some trauma but equally I have had a very privileged life, not really having to struggle. But I never made use of that privilege and opportunities it could of secured me. I lost all my in person friends from a family move and though I can reach people easily (I think?), I still feel completely disconnected. Even from those who I did keep and consider myself close to. I also plan on CTB next year, but I have to flesh out plans first. It sucks. I do have some advice but its definitely case by case so I'm not sure it would work for you. But lmk if you are interested. I'm a young adult as well. ^~^'

 

[persistentheartache]

you aren't selfish or privileged for feeling that way. people underestimate how harmful social isolation is. worse for you than smoking imo.

people don't want to CTB for no reason, even if the people around them don't understand that. even animals in captivity become depressed. having what you need on paper doesn't mean your needs are really being met.

i think the tendency is for people to think social isolation or suicidality is some kind of personal failure but it's not. people want to CTB for very rational reasons much of the time.

That said, you're only 18. I'm 25 and I remember being extremely suicidal at that age. A lot of life can happen in that period of time. interesting things happen. life surprises you.

I won't tell you whether you should or shouldn't but I think you should play things out a bit longer before you make such a permanent decision. there's so much time ahead of you that the probability of something meaningful happening that changes your life is pretty high. might as well get a couple free rolls in if you'll die anyways.

the way i see it is if you'll die anyways might as well do or try a bunch of random shit before you do it. travel, date, make a fool of yourself, try new things you would never do etc...

life is basically sandbox mode if you're gonna die anyways :p do it for the bit lmao

make wise decisions

 

[burninghill]

I turned 20 today, from England and in the exact same boat as you.

 

[imnotcoercive]

I so relate!

• Pretty well off
• Excellent Masters, on my way to PhD
• good friends, loving parents
• respected by many
• several job options as of now
• a budding relationship
• lots the give in general

And yet, I'm not enthusiastic about life currently. My career was ruined, I'm forced to switch. My reputation was destroyed by my jealous ex. Last months have been hell, will probably remain hell for the rest of the year if not longer.

Some good, quick bus-catching sounds appealing to me, every day.
I am 30 tho (surprisingly old round these parts, apparently) so everything weighs pretty heavy now

 

[blackorchid]

same feeling. I feel too priviledged to feel suicidal at all. my mom always says I "need to suffer" in life in order to experience what things cost, gain motivation, be productive, have goals. that might be true but I swear I've tried everything that I had on my hands to feel better. no matter how much I do, that feeling of being better off dead just doesn't go away.

also makes me sad. I feel like my reasons to be depressed are not valid or very superficial, as I've been offered help and people die for more than what I feel it's killing me.

it's weird and awful. sending you a big hug and I hope you find peace on whatever you decide to do

 

[SD2007]

wanna say; I'm in a very similar boat. I've had some trauma but equally I have had a very privileged life, not really having to struggle. But I never made use of that privilege and opportunities it could of secured me. I lost all my in person friends from a family move and though I can reach people easily (I think?), I still feel completely disconnected. Even from those who I did keep and consider myself close to. I also plan on CTB next year, but I have to flesh out plans first. It sucks. I do have some advice but its definitely case by case so I'm not sure it would work for you. But lmk if you are interested. I'm a young adult as well. ^~^

Thanks for responding I'd love to hear your advice :)

same feeling. I feel too priviledged to feel suicidal at all. my mom always says I "need to suffer" in life in order to experience what things cost, gain motivation, be productive, have goals. that might be true but I swear I've tried everything that I had on my hands to feel better. no matter how much I do, that feeling of being better off dead just doesn't go away.

also makes me sad. I feel like my reasons to be depressed are not valid or very superficial, as I've been offered help and people die for more than what I feel it's killing me.

it's weird and awful. sending you a big hug and I hope you find peace on whatever you decide to do

The world is unfair. Sometimes trying hard and suffering doesnt lead anywhere sadly. I hope you find a solution to your problems

I so relate!

• Pretty well off
• Excellent Masters, on my way to PhD
• good friends, loving parents
• respected by many
• several job options as of now
• a budding relationship
• lots the give in general

And yet, I'm not enthusiastic about life currently. My career was ruined, I'm forced to switch. My reputation was destroyed by my jealous ex. Last months have been hell, will probably remain hell for the rest of the year if not longer.

Some good, quick bus-catching sounds appealing to me, every day.
I am 30 tho (surprisingly old round these parts, apparently) so everything weighs pretty heavy now

I'm so sorry to hear about this. You don't deserve those bad things that happened to you. You still have a lot of time. 30 is young!

you aren't selfish or privileged for feeling that way. people underestimate how harmful social isolation is. worse for you than smoking imo.

people don't want to CTB for no reason, even if the people around them don't understand that. even animals in captivity become depressed. having what you need on paper doesn't mean your needs are really being met.

i think the tendency is for people to think social isolation or suicidality is some kind of personal failure but it's not. people want to CTB for very rational reasons much of the time.

That said, you're only 18. I'm 25 and I remember being extremely suicidal at that age. A lot of life can happen in that period of time. interesting things happen. life surprises you.

I won't tell you whether you should or shouldn't but I think you should play things out a bit longer before you make such a permanent decision. there's so much time ahead of you that the probability of something meaningful happening that changes your life is pretty high. might as well get a couple free rolls in if you'll die anyways.

the way i see it is if you'll die anyways might as well do or try a bunch of random shit before you do it. travel, date, make a fool of yourself, try new things you would never do etc...

life is basically sandbox mode if you're gonna die anyways :p do it for the bit lmao

make wise decisions

Hmmmm I might take your advice on travel before the bus. Wouldnt be a bad last few weeks :) thanks for responding