Am i overthinking killing myself?

[justwannadie]

I've been disabled for 2 years and it's seriously affected my life. I'm not depressed. I've been depressed before when I was in my early teens, so I know what depression feels like. I just want to escape the pain of this illness. I want nothing more than to die. The only thing holding me back is the fear that I might survive. I'm going to a 20 story building sometime this summer. I have access to a 10 story building right now, but I'm afraid it isn't enough. I really want to jump, but I'm so terrified I'll survive and end up a quadriplegic. If I didn't already have a disability, that would be a fear, but not such great a fear as it is now. I can't stop imagining being stuck in my body with chronic illness I already have.

Maybe I'm overthinking this? A 20-story building should be high enough. But I'm imagining myself in free-fall, inadvertently shifting positions and landing on my feet or back instead of my head. I don't even know if landing on my chest would be enough. I just don't want to end up surviving and life being so, so, so much worse. It's already torture. I'm going to kill myself either way. If not jumping, using another method. But I really, really want to jump. I just want to have the peace that I'm heading to certain death. No worry or anxiety over failing and things being worse.

 

[skyofAuroras]

I'm no expert, but 20 stories sounds like it should be a guaranteed death.

 

[justwannadie]

I'm no expert, but 20 stories sounds like it should be a guaranteed death.

Yeah, it's almost guaranteed, from my knowledge, but people have survived falls from 300 feet onto concrete ground because they landed on their feet or back. I just want the assurance that I'll be able to control my position in the air mid free-fall, but I know that I can't be 100% certain of that.

 

[Sonnenblume]

maybe jump with a backpack filled with weights on your back?

 

[justwannadie]

maybe jump with a backpack filled with weights on your back?

Thanks, I could use as many suggestions as possible. I just want to be sure I land on my head. Not sure if landing on my chest would be as fatal, but I guess that's better than legs/feet/back/side.

 

[Sonnenblume]

Thanks, I could use as many suggestions as possible. I just want to be sure I land on my head. Not sure if landing on my chest would be as fatal, but I guess that's better than legs/feet/back/side.

If you fell 12 stories on your chest, with like 50 lbs on your back I'd imagine that'd be pretty hard to survive. Someone correct me if I'm wrong. Only thing else I can think of is tie a weight to your head somehow but that'd be harder to keep secure.

 

[FakeNews]

Tie one end of a 10' rope to your neck, the other to a 50 pound weight. Get up high, throw the weight, say goodbye.

 

[Sonnenblume]

This reminds me, I saw a movie where a guy jumped of a cliff into a river with a weight filled backpack and handcuffs on his wrists as his method. Seems effective.

 

[justwannadie]

Attaching a weight to your body actually sounds like a really good idea. But the place I'm jumping from isn't my apartment. It's someone else's house. So I won't have time to do anything expect haul myself over the railing. And people will be watching too, so I have to do it quickly before anyone grabs me. I hope to God I have the courage to do it with all those eyes on me. I have the chance to go to this person's house again and again. So it's not like I only have one chance. But once I climb over the balcony railing, I have to jump and I have to jump quickly. Not only would it be extremely embarrassing to attempt and fail at suicide at someone else's home, they'd try to grab me and pull me back probably if I wait too long. So I just have to jump. And somehow try to land on my head. And ideas on how to "dive" so that I go headfirst and so that my body doesn't shift positions in the air?

 

[OfficerK]

Drowning is a horrible way to go, dont do this OP

The goal isn't to die from the drowning. It merely works as a reserve solution in case the impact from falling doesn't kill you.

 

[Total Imbecile]

The goal isn't to die from the drowning. It merely works as a reserve solution in case the impact from falling doesn't kill you.

Its a horrible reserve solution, hes better off trying just about any other method. Theres a very solid chance he will survive and drown, and most people who jump off the golden gate bridge do in fact if I recall

 

[OfficerK]

Its a horrible reserve solution, hes better off trying just about any other method. Theres a very solid chance he will survive and drown, and most people who jump off the golden gate bridge do in fact if I recall

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Suicides_at_the_Golden_Gate_Bridge#Background

According to Wikipedia, only five percent survive the initial impact.

 

[justwannadie]

There is a very high bridge above water near me, but I'd prefer not to go that way. The chances of surviving and ending up paralyzed are too great. It works for most people, but I don't want to take the risk. I want the assurance of doing it over concrete. I just want to figure out how to position my body in the air to land on my head.