am i making a mistake by giving my SN to my ex girlfriend?

[bb5055]

she broke up with me two days ago. i could ramble about how sad and empty it makes me feel but that's pointless. i've been having breakdown after breakdown about it and just being a lonely traumatized loser in general and i let it slip to her that i had some. i promised her id give her what i have and she'd still be there for me and id still be there for her.

i'm terrified. it's my out. it's the one source of comfort i have. i really want to live yknow. but life has been less than unkind to me and having that made me feel like i had safety in an exit. now she wants it and im scared of losing it and that i wont ever be able to find more. it was hard enough to find my small supply as is. a part of me wants to make a decoy bag to hand off to her now.

i feel like a fucking awful person for that. what if i do it in the future? how would this poor fucking girl feel knowing she thought she had helped me or saved me and that i lied and because she didn't catch that i'm dead? this is so incredibly selfish of me. i want to live so what's the big deal.

what do i do here? do i sacrifice such a big source of existential comfort for myself to make her feel better or do i lie at the risk of ruining her life long term? we may have broken up but she loves me tremendously. my death would ruin her and i can barely handle the thought of that

 

[sadbh—itstimetogo🤎]

I honestly didn't read your post, but consider whether it's legal in your jurisdiction to give someone the means to kill themselves.

 

[Pvnie]

yes dude, you're making a huge mistake. Think of the social ramifications and shit.

 

[depressedkidiam]

I honestly didn't read your post, but consider whether it's legal in your jurisdiction to give someone the means to kill themselves.

I think they meant giving sn as in giving it away so they won't be able to CTB

 

[DeathSweetDeath]

Yeah, if you read that back to yourself, you sound extremely confused, back & forth about wanting to live but what if you ruin her life when you CTB. It was a bad move on many levels that you told her, however, there's always more where that came from, so I see no reason why you shouldn't just flush it together (because giving it to her is a bad idea for other reasons as everyone else is pointing out).

 

[sadbh—itstimetogo🤎]

I think they meant giving sn as in giving it away so they won't be able to CTB

Yes, it's still a bit dicey imo.

 

[bb5055]

I honestly didn't read your post, but consider whether it's legal in your jurisdiction to give someone the means to kill themselves.

no she doesn't want me to CTB so she wants to dispose of it, sorry i thought that didn't need to be specified

Yeah, if you read that back to yourself, you sound extremely confused, back & forth about wanting to live but what if you ruin her life when you CTB. It was a bad move on many levels that you told her, however, there's always more where that came from, so I see no reason why you shouldn't just flush it together (because giving it to her is a bad idea for other reasons as everyone else is pointing out).

explain why it was a bad move on many levels to try and get help from someone for being suicidal and disclosing my method

 

[fluorescentpearl]

You can always give her a Decoy bag and keep what you have, or keep for yourself half of it

 

[depressedkidiam]

maybe tell her you disposed of it yourself if you really would like to keep the option of using it in the future

 

[bb5055]

You can always give her a Decoy bag and keep what you have, or keep for yourself half of it

i'm leaning towards decoy bag, but i'm also equally leaning towards just disposing of the real thing with her. it's a really tough choice. it took a lot of courage to tell her i even had it and her concern and desire to help me made me feel saved for a bit. but even still im scared to lose it and the security it brings me. i'm just scared ill do it impulsively on a night when things are real bad, before i give therapy a chance to work and before i try and rebuild my life more

 

[letsnotmakeittoo22]

i'm leaning towards decoy bag, but i'm also equally leaning towards just disposing of the real thing with her. it's a really tough choice. it took a lot of courage to tell her i even had it and her concern and desire to help me made me feel saved for a bit. but even still im scared to lose it and the security it brings me. i'm just scared ill do it impulsively on a night when things are real bad, before i give therapy a chance to work and before i try and rebuild my life more

If you are worried. That means you have a reason / want to recover. That's important l listen to your brain and flush it.

Definitely don't give it to her. Could open up potential to harm herself. Whether purposefully or accidentally. Flush it together. IMO

 

[bb5055]

If you are worried. That means you have a reason / want to recover. That's important l listen to your brain and flush it.

Definitely don't give it to her. Could open up potential to harm herself. Whether purposefully or accidentally. Flush it together. IMO

flushing together seems like the right move. thank you i needed to hear this. i do wanna recover really bad

 

[letsnotmakeittoo22]

flushing together seems like the right move. thank you i needed to hear this. i do wanna recover really bad

If you want to recover. Please recover. Seriously. :) you got this! The fact you want to recover is very telling. Please don't do anything drastic. I understand if you want moral support for flushing. But that seems to be the best option. Good luck. I believe in yiu

 

[DeathSweetDeath]

SN can't be done that impulsively, as you'd need to fast for 8 hours first (or expect the attempt to fail).

Suicide should be the absolute last resort after you've already tried everything else. You already said you want to live, you already know the answer.

 

[pickedmyctbdate]

Give her a decoy bag. Doubtful she should know the difference. Get some nitrate instead and give her that. Or grind up some rock salt. She probably won't know the difference.

I'm thinking I want some SN, the way some people feel secure having a gun, knowing they can end it if they want to. You can always keep it and just not take it. There's always another bus tomorrow.

Having the means may make me feel less desperate to do it, if that makes sense. It will just mean I can if I want to.

As pointed out above, it's not an impulsive method. You have to wait at least 8 hours. (I've heard even more to be sure.) So it's not something you can just do in a fit of pique.

 

[matsuzaka]

flushing it seems like the best decision

though i would like to say that you should be careful with saying that sn is not an impulsive way to go, it absolutely is. although for the ideal, painless version you're supposed to fast and take meto along with other meds, you could also just make the drink and take it every time you threw up without fasting.

even if you do throw up you probably would still die, albeit painfully probably. keep in mind people have died from testing just a gram or so of sn with no prep so just be careful

if you want to recover then you very much should give it your best shot! whether that means flushing your sn, storing it far away, locking it, etc

 

[notthatclever]

Don't do it.. if they find out they'll blame you.. even though it's her own action it's a natural response and they'll blame you.. you gotta let people handle their own shit when it comes to that.. and depending where you are you can possibly get criminal charges if they found out.. she's gotta do it alone or get help.. either way that's all her.. it sucks to see somebody suffering.. but you don't know how serious she is about it really.. and let's say she gets drunk in her feelings one night but it's the alcohol talking.. not her.. maybe she's just purely SI.. you can't know what's really in her head only she knows.. I mean you see how much legal hell this site catches.. and all the legal language they have to use in order to try and remain not liable.. and for as many people here that have killed themselves.. I'd say it's saved as many lives too.. because people have a place to vent and really let their mask down.. because we can't be this brutally honest in a shrinks office or to a doctor.. plus even though it's a bit Island of Misfit Toys.. people have a community here.. people want to feel like they belong.. even if it's at their worst hour.. or darkest hour rather..

Anyways.. she's gotta do that leg work for herself whatever she decides.. you can only know how you feel in your head and that's all you can help or control..

 

[cvury]

dnr but if u do you'll go to jail buddy boyo

 

[ZEROEDOUT]

I reiterate the sentiment others have given in the thread. Either give your ex a decoy or flush it on your own accord. Do you have a way to re-obtain SN if you change your mind? Consider that when making your decision. Further down the thread you agreed you'd like to recover so I urge you to flush, however understand that this sort of choice should probably be made by you with a lot of consideration.