Am I just too much of an escapist to even kill myself? Can you relate?

[stevegnash]

I'm running into roadblocks with every method I think of. Either I don't want to leave a mess for my family or I want to escape the mess I've already made for my family.

Was going to try drowning myself at the pool but can't seem to black out despite trying to hyperventilate and swimming hard and swimming all the way across the pool with no air in my lungs. Even made it all the way across and back with just one breath.

I've thought of crashing my car and nearly did so. Just messed up the suspension as I chickened out.

I've tried breathing in water to choke myself but I chicken out and cough it up.

Buying SN seems like a red flag. I want my family to get the life insurance money. My policy covers suicide but I don't want to leave my kids with that legacy of committing suicide.

I think I'm just going from one fantasy about escape to another and that's why my whole life feels like a waste.

Can anyone relate?

I'm running into roadblocks with every method I think of. Either I don't want to leave a mess for my family or I want to escape the mess I've already made for my family.

Was going to try drowning myself at the pool but can't seem to black out despite trying to hyperventilate and swimming hard and swimming all the way across the pool with no air in my lungs. Even made it all the way across and back with just one breath.

I've thought of crashing my car and nearly did so. Just messed up the suspension as I chickened out.

I've tried breathing in water to choke myself but I chicken out and cough it up.

Buying SN seems like a red flag. I want my family to get the life insurance money. My policy covers suicide but I don't want to leave my kids with that legacy of committing suicide.

I think I'm just going from one fantasy about escape to another and that's why my whole life feels like a waste.

Can anyone relate?

PS I've been lurking here for months and just joined the other day. Mostly so I can talk with others about methods. But also, maybe, to not ctb and try living a better life. I don't know if it's too late

 

[makethepainstop]

SSt

I'm running into roadblocks with every method I think of. Either I don't want to leave a mess for my family or I want to escape the mess I've already made for my family.

Was going to try drowning myself at the pool but can't seem to black out despite trying to hyperventilate and swimming hard and swimming all the way across the pool with no air in my lungs. Even made it all the way across and back with just one breath.

I've thought of crashing my car and nearly did so. Just messed up the suspension as I chickened out.

I've tried breathing in water to choke myself but I chicken out and cough it up.

Buying SN seems like a red flag. I want my family to get the life insurance money. My policy covers suicide but I don't want to leave my kids with that legacy of committing suicide.

I think I'm just going from one fantasy about escape to another and that's why my whole life feels like a waste.

Can anyone relate?

PS I've been lurking here for months and just joined the other day. Mostly so I can talk with others about methods. But also, maybe, to not ctb and try living a better life. I don't know if it's too late

Steve do come and look around here, there are so many of us that feel similarly. We are pretty good about listening to others here. Talk until your hearts content. Much love to you Steve.

 

[stevegnash]

SSt

Steve do come and look around here, there are so many of us that feel similarly. We are pretty good about listening to others here. Talk until your hearts content. Much love to you Steve.

Thanks, I've been reading a lot of posts and sometimes I think "this is crazy, wake up and live". and other times I realize there's no way out of causing others so much pain and suicide seems like the best option. Sometimes I just hate myself for how I've lived. Other times I think "I'm not so bad". Not sure how much longer is can hide whats going on inside me. I've basically lost all my friends and only have family left and only because they don't know yet t how badly I screwed up.

 

[makethepainstop]

Nah bro your not alone in the I screwed up bad department. I say most enthusiastically me too, plus a lot of others. As for catching the bus only you can tell what's right for you.

 

[stevegnash]

So, here's my dilemma …. I've screwed up my body in a way that's totally wrecked my sleep. And even my doctor doesn't know what I'm taking because I saw a doctor out of network. But soon he's going to cut me off the Ambien. Once my sleep goes totally off the rails due to lack of ambien I'm going to be found out. And that's going to cause a lot of pain for others. If I just ctb in a way that looks like an accident that will cause a different pain but I think a more tolerable level of pain for others. And I'll no longer feel any pain. Unless there's an afterlife which I've spent my adult years denying.

 

[makethepainstop]

So, here's my dilemma …. I've screwed up my body in a way that's totally wrecked my sleep. And even my doctor doesn't know what I'm taking because I saw a doctor out of network. But soon he's going to cut me off the Ambien. Once my sleep goes totally off the rails due to lack of ambien I'm going to be found out. And that's going to cause a lot of pain for others. If I just ctb in a way that looks like an accident that will cause a different pain but I think a more tolerable level of pain for others. And I'll no longer feel any pain. Unless there's an afterlife which I've spent my adult years denying.

I understand that, if I miss my seraquel I don't sleep. After 3/4 days without sleep you don't want to be around me.

 

[stevegnash]

Can anyone point me to the search function? I don't want To ask questions that have already been answered

 

[outrider567]

Can anyone point me to the search function? I don't want To ask questions that have already been answered

hourglass--upper right

 

[lionetta12]

I'm running into roadblocks with every method I think of. Either I don't want to leave a mess for my family or I want to escape the mess I've already made for my family.

Was going to try drowning myself at the pool but can't seem to black out despite trying to hyperventilate and swimming hard and swimming all the way across the pool with no air in my lungs. Even made it all the way across and back with just one breath.

I've thought of crashing my car and nearly did so. Just messed up the suspension as I chickened out.

I've tried breathing in water to choke myself but I chicken out and cough it up.

Buying SN seems like a red flag. I want my family to get the life insurance money. My policy covers suicide but I don't want to leave my kids with that legacy of committing suicide.

I think I'm just going from one fantasy about escape to another and that's why my whole life feels like a waste.

Can anyone relate?

PS I've been lurking here for months and just joined the other day. Mostly so I can talk with others about methods. But also, maybe, to not ctb and try living a better life. I don't know if it's too late

I wish I could be an escapist, the people I know that are able to escape reality and things in general even if only for a little, seem a lot more happier than I am.

 

[hellispink]

I would love to escape to another world, somewhere far away from my demons.