Am I just supposed to live on happy pills for the rest of my life?

[Big_Iron]

Hi everyone, I'm new here, and this is something that's been bothering me for some time now. I'm just gonna explain my situation so this might be long.
Maybe a little over a year ago, all I wanted was to CTB. I was able to hide this from my family but my mom finally noticed something was off and basically all I had to do was answer some basic questions to my doctor to got put on lexapro.
Sure it helped I guess, but I just don't feel right about it. All of my anxious thoughts are still there, but without a lot of the feeling behind them. I'm just left being all awkward because my brain will pull me in so many directions. I physically react to my thoughts; I cringe and I recoil but then it passes. It's just so weird. And I don't feel the same despair as I did before but when things go wrong for me, things that normal people can handle I sometimes just completely lose control and I just can't stop crying. Before I couldn't cry as badly as I wanted to.
I suppose it's better than the way things were in the past, but does it even matter? Is it even real if I'm permanently on drugs? I know what happens when I stop taking it for a few days. I know how bad it feels but part of me really wants to just quit the happy pills, as much as that might screw me over. I don't know what anyone could really say, but maybe someone can relate at least.

Sorry for such a long post over trivial problems, I would tell my gf but I don't want to scare her away.

 

[Dead Ghost]

The pills, if they work, only help you deal with your problems, they don't solve your problems.
I told my father about it several times and he didn't even pay attention when I told him. He was taking Vandral Retard and benzos, but since he was fine he stopped dealing with everything that made him sick.
The consequence was that he continued to lead the same kind of life and when he didn't feel bad he only had to reinforce his attitudes, because there was no longer any alarm signal that made him aware that he was getting worse. Evidently it wasn't long before they had to increase his dose, because he was doing nothing more than getting out of the mess he created himself and all the discomfort was coming to him again.

And he took the pills for the rest of his life without worrying about his life.
He was an immature person in refusing to accept responsibility for his suffering.

//

Les pastilles, si funcionen, només serveixen perquè pugis fer front als teus problemes, no resolen pas els teus problemes.
Li hi vaig explicar força vegades al meu pare i no em feia ni cas quan li ho deia. Ell prenía Vandral Retard i benzos, pero com que es trobava bé va passar de fer front a tot el que el feia enmalaltir.
La conseqüència va ser que seguía fent el mateix tipus de vida i al no trobar-se malament només feia que reforçar les seves actituds, doncs ja no hi havía cap senyal d'alarma que el fes ser conscient que anava a pitjor. Evidentment no va passar gaire que van haber d'augmentar-li la dosis, doncs no feia més que no ensortir-se'n del disbarat que es va crear ell mateix i li venía tot el malestar altre vegada.

I va prendre les pastilles la resta de la seva vida sense preocupar-se de la seva vida.
Era una persona immadura al negar-se a acceptar la responsabilitat del seu patiment.

 

[Big_Iron]

The pills, if they work, only help you deal with your problems, they don't solve your problems.
I told my father about it several times and he didn't even pay attention when I told him. He was taking Vandral Retard and benzos, but since he was fine he stopped dealing with everything that made him sick.
The consequence was that he continued to lead the same kind of life and when he didn't feel bad he only had to reinforce his attitudes, because there was no longer any alarm signal that made him aware that he was getting worse. Evidently it wasn't long before they had to increase his dose, because he was doing nothing more than getting out of the mess he created himself and all the discomfort was coming to him again.

And he took the pills for the rest of his life without worrying about his life.
He was an immature person in refusing to accept responsibility for his suffering.

//

Les pastilles, si funcionen, només serveixen perquè pugis fer front als teus problemes, no resolen pas els teus problemes.
Li hi vaig explicar força vegades al meu pare i no em feia ni cas quan li ho deia. Ell prenía Vandral Retard i benzos, pero com que es trobava bé va passar de fer front a tot el que el feia enmalaltir.
La conseqüència va ser que seguía fent el mateix tipus de vida i al no trobar-se malament només feia que reforçar les seves actituds, doncs ja no hi havía cap senyal d'alarma que el fes ser conscient que anava a pitjor. Evidentment no va passar gaire que van haber d'augmentar-li la dosis, doncs no feia més que no ensortir-se'n del disbarat que es va crear ell mateix i li venía tot el malestar altre vegada.

I va prendre les pastilles la resta de la seva vida sense preocupar-se de la seva vida.
Era una persona immadura al negar-se a acceptar la responsabilitat del seu patiment.

I guess I'm just scared of myself. I'm scared of the way I might really feel about myself. I'm just not sure I have the strength to confront the abyss inside me and not give up. I don't wanna be suicidal, but it seems like that's my brains natural state. What should I do?

 

[LittleJem]

I guess I'm just scared of myself. I'm scared of the way I might really feel about myself. I'm just not sure I have the strength to confront the abyss inside me and not give up. I don't wanna be suicidal, but it seems like that's my brains natural state. What should I do?

I would say don't stop a medication that is working. Why not live if you can? I would say the 'you' on these pills is real. It is 'you' with better brain chemistry. I have personally endured suicidal thoughts for over twenty years. During which time I did try and deal with my issues through therapy. Now I know that nothing helps me other than things that change my brain chemistry. There is no shame in taking a medication that is helping you.

The percentage of people on anti-depressants is pretty high. You are definitely not alone…

The anxious thoughts you still have..,You could ask for CBT (therapy works better with a working medication). You could get another medication added. I have been reading good reviews of anti-psychotics which scare me hugely, but some of the reviews are amazing.

 

[Dead Ghost]

I guess I'm just scared of myself. I'm scared of the way I might really feel about myself. I'm just not sure I have the strength to confront the abyss inside me and not give up. I don't wanna be suicidal, but it seems like that's my brains natural state. What should I do?

I don't know your particular case.. but if you can, live life, expose yourself, it's the only way to strengthen yourself and develop resources to be able to deal with current problems.

But I know it's not easy at all, because I haven't dared to do it myself, even though I know that to grow you have to walk... the thing is that it's inevitable to suffer, suffering is part of it of all learning.. and I don't like to suffer. And because I don't like to suffer, when I was on medication, I made the same mistakes as my father, which was to do nothing, sit still and get worse over time without realizing it.

Sometimes I've thought about going on a trip, one that lasts months, and the purpose of which is to get to know yourself and live new experiences that give you new points of view. But today I'm already very affected to do it.. but I always thought it was the solution to ease my emotional burden and be able to have resources to live like others.

I don't know if this helps you.

//

No conec el teu cas particular.. pero si pots, viu la vida, exposa't, es l'única manera d'enfortir-te i desenvolupar recursos per poder fer front als problemes actuals.

Pero se que no es gens fàcil, doncs jo mateix no m'hi he atrevit pas a fer-ho, tot i saber que per créixer s'ha de caminar... el que passa és que és inevitable patir, el patiment forma part de tot aprenenatge.. i a mi no m'agrada patir. I com que no m'agrada patir, quan jo prenía medicació, vaig cometre els mateixos errors que el meu pare, que era no fer res, quedar-me quiet i empitjorar amb el temps sense adonar-me'n pas.

De vegades he pensat en fer un viatge, d'aquests que duren mesos, i el propósit del qual és coneixe's a un mateix i viure noves experiències que et donin nous punts de vista. Però avuí día ja estic molt afectat per fer-ho.. peró sempre he pensat que era la sol·lució per alleugir la meva càrrega emocional i poder tenir recursos per viure com els altres.

No se si et serveix això.

 

[LaVieEnRose]

I understand reservations about taking psych meds. They're not really "happy pills" and it may not be constructive to view them as such because it might make their effects see more artificial than they should be. Clearly they haven't made you become happy. I do understand wanting to feel like your authentic self. I would agree that you're still you even if you take them. They're just a tool you're using. Anyway I don't think you're necessarily "doomed" to take them for the rest of your life and you don't have to think that far ahead. Maybe if certain life circumstances improve you'll feel comfortable not taking them. It's your choice and unlike other psychiatric conditions you can get away with not taking medication for depression.

 

[guayabas]

it sounds like Lexapro just isn't the right medication for you. This is typically the first med doctors try, and I had a similar reaction to you I think, in that I felt better I guess, but? It took me months of trying different meds before I found the right one, and now I'm on Wellbutrin and they were a life changer for me. They also help with adhd which I later found out I have.

I'm getting the feeling you talked to your primary care physician and not a psychiatrist. If you can, I'd recommend seeing a psychiatrist instead. In my experience they're better about checking in how the meds are working and have better knowledge about specific meds and off label uses. I've def had my share of shitty (condescending and rude) psychiatrists though, so if that happens, find a different one if you can.

I know there's a stigma around antidepressants, and they're def not for everyone, but if you find one and it works for you, there's no shame in that at all. They're just like any other medication ppl use for chronic health conditions. You deserve to not have to feel miserable all the time

 

[AnxietyHangover]

I think about this often. How long will I take these antidepressants? Will I need to take them for life? My therapist once told me, there is no issue with taking a medication for life if it improves the quality of life. I think you should disregard the stigma of these pills as long as they improve your life.

 

[Valky]

First, please note that being suicidal is not a natural state. It is the outcome of specific circumstances like depression/anxiety or other disorders, trauma, etc. This is not the real you. All these bad thoughts are your depression and anxiety speaking.

So here are some tips:

1. As someone said before ,,The pills, if they work, only help you deal with your problems, they don't solve your problems.''
Have you tried going to therapy yet? Therapy helps you realise, define and deal with your problems. It is a long and hard way and it may be difficult to find the right therapist for you but once you do it is gonna be incredibly uplifting.

2. Try other medication. There are so many different ones and they don't work the same for everyone. Some make you feel better, some the same and some maybe even worse. Some may make you feel off, like you are not yourself. But once you find the right medications/Dosis for you it is gonna change your life.

3. Those happy pills aren't forever. Recovery can be a mix of different things and one of the most common one is taking pills and going to therapy. These pills are supposed to help you improve your lifestyle and therapy will help you sort those problems for the long run so that one day, you can live a happy life again without them. The pills are there to uplift your spirits and motivate you so that you can pull through and improve your mental health.

I hope this made you understand it better, best of luck, you got this <3

 

[Hollowman]

it sounds like Lexapro just isn't the right medication for you. This is typically the first med doctors try, and I had a similar reaction to you I think, in that I felt better I guess, but? It took me months of trying different meds before I found the right one, and now I'm on Wellbutrin and they were a life changer for me. They also help with adhd which I later found out I have.

I'm getting the feeling you talked to your primary care physician and not a psychiatrist. If you can, I'd recommend seeing a psychiatrist instead. In my experience they're better about checking in how the meds are working and have better knowledge about specific meds and off label uses. I've def had my share of shitty (condescending and rude) psychiatrists though, so if that happens, find a different one if you can.

I know there's a stigma around antidepressants, and they're def not for everyone, but if you find one and it works for you, there's no shame in that at all. They're just like any other medication ppl use for chronic health conditions. You deserve to not have to feel miserable all the time

They are definitely not like any other medication. I don't mean to be rude but you don't have a clue what you're talking about.

 

[Big_Iron]

First, please note that being suicidal is not a natural state. It is the outcome of specific circumstances like depression/anxiety or other disorders, trauma, etc. This is not the real you. All these bad thoughts are your depression and anxiety speaking.

So here are some tips:

1. As someone said before ,,The pills, if they work, only help you deal with your problems, they don't solve your problems.''
Have you tried going to therapy yet? Therapy helps you realise, define and deal with your problems. It is a long and hard way and it may be difficult to find the right therapist for you but once you do it is gonna be incredibly uplifting.

2. Try other medication. There are so many different ones and they don't work the same for everyone. Some make you feel better, some the same and some maybe even worse. Some may make you feel off, like you are not yourself. But once you find the right medications/Dosis for you it is gonna change your life.

3. Those happy pills aren't forever. Recovery can be a mix of different things and one of the most common one is taking pills and going to therapy. These pills are supposed to help you improve your lifestyle and therapy will help you sort those problems for the long run so that one day, you can live a happy life again without them. The pills are there to uplift your spirits and motivate you so that you can pull through and improve your mental health.

I hope this made you understand it better, best of luck, you got this <3

I live in America, which means while technically I have access to the things you mention unfortunately I'm broke and I need to get my car back on the road which I don't have money to do, so therapy and new medication isn't gonna really be an option. I refuse to tell any family members because they traumatized me.
Still though, I'm just complaining. I'll fix my car, and I'll graduate this prison of a school in 2 months. Hopefully I can get better help then. For now I'll try to stick it out, I'm used to it by now.

First, please note that being suicidal is not a natural state. It is the outcome of specific circumstances like depression/anxiety or other disorders, trauma, etc. This is not the real you. All these bad thoughts are your depression and anxiety speaking.

So here are some tips:

1. As someone said before ,,The pills, if they work, only help you deal with your problems, they don't solve your problems.''
Have you tried going to therapy yet? Therapy helps you realise, define and deal with your problems. It is a long and hard way and it may be difficult to find the right therapist for you but once you do it is gonna be incredibly uplifting.

2. Try other medication. There are so many different ones and they don't work the same for everyone. Some make you feel better, some the same and some maybe even worse. Some may make you feel off, like you are not yourself. But once you find the right medications/Dosis for you it is gonna change your life.

3. Those happy pills aren't forever. Recovery can be a mix of different things and one of the most common one is taking pills and going to therapy. These pills are supposed to help you improve your lifestyle and therapy will help you sort those problems for the long run so that one day, you can live a happy life again without them. The pills are there to uplift your spirits and motivate you so that you can pull through and improve your mental health.

I hope this made you understand it better, best of luck, you got this <3

I need therapy, I know that. Unfortunately for reasons I may go into on this site in the future I don't trust my parents or school resources. They both have traumatized me in ways I don't think I'll ever truly forget. I'm an adult, just need to gtfo of high school so I can at least try to get truly better. Right now it feels like I'm just ignoring everything.

 

[kileob]

I live in America, which means while technically I have access to the things you mention unfortunately I'm broke and I need to get my car back on the road which I don't have money to do, so therapy and new medication isn't gonna really be an option. I refuse to tell any family members because they traumatized me.
Still though, I'm just complaining. I'll fix my car, and I'll graduate this prison of a school in 2 months. Hopefully I can get better help then. For now I'll try to stick it out, I'm used to it by now.

I need therapy, I know that. Unfortunately for reasons I may go into on this site in the future I don't trust my parents or school resources. They both have traumatized me in ways I don't think I'll ever truly forget. I'm an adult, just need to gtfo of high school so I can at least try to get truly better. Right now it feels like I'm just ignoring everything.

i think therapy is a solid goal that is very much reachable, as you said your going to graduate and get your car back soon, being out of the school environment might help a lot too especially if attending collage. Not sure if you've had therapy before but at the very least it will be something that you can try and see if it is for you, even if it doesn't "cure" you as long as it helps your going in the right direction and remember that all therapists aren't the same don't be afraid to try, and if you don't like switch therapists if it doesn't feel right. personally i can relate. I am currently in a bit of the same rut myself trying to save money for therapy, living in America.

 

[Valky]

I live in America, which means while technically I have access to the things you mention unfortunately I'm broke and I need to get my car back on the road which I don't have money to do, so therapy and new medication isn't gonna really be an option. I refuse to tell any family members because they traumatized me.
Still though, I'm just complaining. I'll fix my car, and I'll graduate this prison of a school in 2 months. Hopefully I can get better help then. For now I'll try to stick it out, I'm used to it by now.

I need therapy, I know that. Unfortunately for reasons I may go into on this site in the future I don't trust my parents or school resources. They both have traumatized me in ways I don't think I'll ever truly forget. I'm an adult, just need to gtfo of high school so I can at least try to get truly better. Right now it feels like I'm just ignoring everything.

I totally get what you mean. If you can, try your best to finish what is still in front of you. But if it really gets too bad, please always put yourself first. Luckily you only have 2 months left, I believe in you, you got this!!

 

[sheepgirl]

Well for me I think I'll always need my medication, I kind of have to think of it that I have an illness that needs medication. Just like someone with a physical illness might need medication for the rest of their life.