Am I just lazy?

[return.]

I don't really want to try anymore. I feel like if I continue living one day I'll look back and wish I had ctb'd before. I don't want to be in this situation anymore but I can't exactly see a way out. I know I have to try but I don't want to try. I just wish I wasn't born at all. Am I simply not up for the challenge of life? If so, why bother trying?

 

[yearsoflonliness]

I feel like that now. I wish I had ctb'd years ago.

If you don't mind me asking, what situation are you in/why can't you escape it?

 

[JaJu]

I've been repeatedly told that I'm lazy and I think it's one of the most careless things someone can say. It's not laziness, but from my experience, there's no will/motivation/reason/vision of a better future life, and without those there's not a drop of strength or energy to act. Like you said, why bother trying if there's nothing to work towards and to live for? It wasn't until I started envisioning the possibilities for what my future life could look like if I were to get this job or become more independent from my family that I started finding a spark of "trying power". Sometimes my plan didn't work out and my vision dissolved and I was back in a slump until I worked out another plan that came with a new vision/goal.
Since you're in the recovery section, I'll send encouragement to hang in there and to be kind to yourself (don't blame yourself for even feeling lazy if you do feel that way). If you continue living, you might be right and think you wished you ctb before, but you also might be glad you waited a little longer, who knows? I definitely don't believe in the whole pro-life slogan, "it always gets better!" but I did learn that life is unpredictable and that it can bring unexpected changes, sometimes for the better (if that's any hope worth clinging onto).

I just wish I wasn't born at all.

Ah, the ultimate wish of so many of us

 

[etherealgoddess]

I don't really want to try anymore. I feel like if I continue living one day I'll look back and wish I had ctb'd before. I don't want to be in this situation anymore but I can't exactly see a way out. I know I have to try but I don't want to try. I just wish I wasn't born at all. Am I simply not up for the challenge of life? If so, why bother trying?

No, it's because you have a lot of negative emotions and negative thoughts. Procrastination and laziness are the intentional act of putting something in the future because you don't feel like doing it. Not doing something because you literally want to kill yourself is literally anything but laziness. If you want to recover, it's about releasing the hard expectations on yourself.

I think something that has been helping me improve is understanding that life is half work and half luck: respectively, it's half grinding and half loot boxes (loot boxes being what kind of family you go into, the experiences you have that influence who you are). You can't expect to have the same results as someone else because you have different circumstances.

For example, I struggled a lot in high school, and I felt really upset because there were other people who I frankly thought were dumber than me but were doing better than me in school. But again, life is half grind and half loot boxes. I can't compare myself because my metaphorical loot boxes were garbage: I had to go home to a family every day that was extremely dysfunctional and emotionally extremely abusive. I was so stressed out, so I could never actually learn at home. My dad was permissive of my mom's behaviors and allowed me to be emotionally abused even though he was also bothered by the screaming and was just selfish to save himself, so he just started going to work from 6 AM to 8 PM to avoid my mom to leave her at home to scream at my brother and I. It's unsurprising that my brother and I have horrible mental health issues and didn't do great in school. Would it be fair to tell myself to compare myself to another child who is from a healthy family that doesn't scream at him every day, multiple times a day, for every single mistake he makes who actually tries to listen to their child to help them instead of screaming like a lunatic? No.

The point of what I am saying is you just can't have these hard expectations on yourself to finally figure it out and finally decide to change your life. We have to go through so much emotional healing to get to a functional state because we've endured. Be kind to yourself and give yourself some grace. If you want to change your life, focus on emotional healing but also learn more about habits and how to affirm habits (rewards), learn how to do emotional regulation, learn how to have awareness of thoughts (CAUTION: you can't control your thoughts, but you can be AWARE that they aren't helpful--that massive distinction can help you a lot). We all have our struggles. You aren't on the same journey as someone who didn't have traumas or disabilities or even just having the mind that you have to get to a point where you consider suicide.

 

[Asnowyevening]

It's not your fault. You get trapped in a loop, where you wanna do things do see the point but you need to see the point in order to do things. These feelings are amplified by the lack of resources and help from society

 

[return.]

I feel like that now. I wish I had ctb'd years ago.

If you don't mind me asking, what situation are you in/why can't you escape it?

Extremely lonely. I've never had a friend, I got picked on at school. So many things I'd honestly rather not talk about.

No, it's because you have a lot of negative emotions and negative thoughts. Procrastination and laziness are the intentional act of putting something in the future because you don't feel like doing it. Not doing something because you literally want to kill yourself is literally anything but laziness. If you want to recover, it's about releasing the hard expectations on yourself.

I think something that has been helping me improve is understanding that life is half work and half luck: respectively, it's half grinding and half loot boxes (loot boxes being what kind of family you go into, the experiences you have that influence who you are). You can't expect to have the same results as someone else because you have different circumstances.

For example, I struggled a lot in high school, and I felt really upset because there were other people who I frankly thought were dumber than me but were doing better than me in school. But again, life is half grind and half loot boxes. I can't compare myself because my metaphorical loot boxes were garbage: I had to go home to a family every day that was extremely dysfunctional and emotionally extremely abusive. I was so stressed out, so I could never actually learn at home. My dad was permissive of my mom's behaviors and allowed me to be emotionally abused even though he was also bothered by the screaming and was just selfish to save himself, so he just started going to work from 6 AM to 8 PM to avoid my mom to leave her at home to scream at my brother and I. It's unsurprising that my brother and I have horrible mental health issues and didn't do great in school. Would it be fair to tell myself to compare myself to another child who is from a healthy family that doesn't scream at him every day, multiple times a day, for every single mistake he makes who actually tries to listen to their child to help them instead of screaming like a lunatic? No.

The point of what I am saying is you just can't have these hard expectations on yourself to finally figure it out and finally decide to change your life. We have to go through so much emotional healing to get to a functional state because we've endured. Be kind to yourself and give yourself some grace. If you want to change your life, focus on emotional healing but also learn more about habits and how to affirm habits (rewards), learn how to do emotional regulation, learn how to have awareness of thoughts (CAUTION: you can't control your thoughts, but you can be AWARE that they aren't helpful--that massive distinction can help you a lot). We all have our struggles. You aren't on the same journey as someone who didn't have traumas or disabilities or even just having the mind that you have to get to a point where you consider suicide.

Thank you for this comment. I'll try being more kind to myself and not be so harsh.

I've been repeatedly told that I'm lazy and I think it's one of the most careless things someone can say. It's not laziness, but from my experience, there's no will/motivation/reason/vision of a better future life, and without those there's not a drop of strength or energy to act. Like you said, why bother trying if there's nothing to work towards and to live for? It wasn't until I started envisioning the possibilities for what my future life could look like if I were to get this job or become more independent from my family that I started finding a spark of "trying power". Sometimes my plan didn't work out and my vision dissolved and I was back in a slump until I worked out another plan that came with a new vision/goal.
Since you're in the recovery section, I'll send encouragement to hang in there and to be kind to yourself (don't blame yourself for even feeling lazy if you do feel that way). If you continue living, you might be right and think you wished you ctb before, but you also might be glad you waited a little longer, who knows? I definitely don't believe in the whole pro-life slogan, "it always gets better!" but I did learn that life is unpredictable and that it can bring unexpected changes, sometimes for the better (if that's any hope worth clinging onto).

Ah, the ultimate wish of so many of us

You're right. If I have no hope or vision for the future, then why would I have any energy to work? I should stick and find out what happens.

 

[moshimoshi]

IMO laziness is something like not grabbing the remote that's across the room simply because you don't feel like using the energy. Something like you described is definitely not laziness, it sounds like a person that has been through so much shit in life that they're worn down. Life is an extremely hard challenge and I really understand the feeling of not feeling up to the task. You're not lazy for that at all I hope there comes a day where you are glad you didn't ctb, even if that may seem impossible

 

[return.]

IMO laziness is something like not grabbing the remote that's across the room simply because you don't feel like using the energy. Something like you described is definitely not laziness, it sounds like a person that has been through so much shit in life that they're worn down. Life is an extremely hard challenge and I really understand the feeling of not feeling up to the task. You're not lazy for that at all I hope there comes a day where you are glad you didn't ctb, even if that may seem impossible

Thank you for your kind comment.