Am I just faking it?

[SanctionedSkittles]

I had this urge to stop my psych meds so I cut it cold turkey. I've been feeling what I can only describe as stuffy and frustrated. I am in between wanting to off myself but not actually putting the effort to. I am currently in a static state of just lying around doing nothing but thinking of ending myself. I stopped meds in hopes of it pushing me off the edge. I feel like everybody including myself is thinking if I really wanted to die I would have done it already. I feel like I need to prove to myself and others that I am not just a horrible person seeking attention or using it as an excuse to be lazy, by actually going through with killing myself. At the same time, I sometimes desperately feel like reaching out to be hospitalized before I do something drastic. If I really wanted to die then why would I want this? Does this mean I am actually just using this as an excuse? Because if I truly wanted to die, going to the ward would be the last thing I would want. Does this mean I'm just one of those mental illness fakers wanting attention? I am stuck in this thought loop, so I end up just doing nothing. I hope cutting out the meds will motivate me to do something.

 

[tryingtoquietdown]

When people are suicidal, I don't think their main desire is death itself. They want an escape from the pain, and death is a guaranteed escape.

Humans are biologically programmed to not want to die, so it's completely normal that you have reservations about CTB. You're stuck between a lot of awful options. CTB means either death, which is a complete unknown, or survival, which means you continue enduring that pain you're trying to escape. Hospitalization could help, but it could also traumatize you further, since mental healthcare is a toss-up basically everywhere in the world. So now you've got the third option, which is to be stuck in this thought loop limbo, paralyzed by the gravity of the situation. I know what that's like, and it's so fucking difficult to deal with.

I can tell just from reading your thoughts that you are not faking any mental illness. You wouldn't be here if you were. You wouldn't be seriously considering CTB if you were exaggerating your symptoms. Mental illness is so marginalized because most idiots in society always assume you're in less pain than you are, and when the pain is not visible, they assume it's not there. You are suffering. You are not making up excuses or pretending to be worse than you are. You are suffering immensely.

I would encourage you to go back on your medication, since I'm a proponent of prioritizing yourself and making yourself as happy as possible before going out, but that's not my decision. Whatever you do, I hope you can find some peace in it all. Just know that I see how much you are hurting and you don't deserve to suffer through it.

 

[theboy]

it is not good to stop taking medications so abruptly. I understand your situation and you may want to be hospitalized because you still see hope for your life. I don't think you want attention, but deep down you want help.

 

[Lobster_Toast1281]

I have a similar feeling. This is the main reason why I try not to reveal anything regarding my suicidality, because it just makes me feel like I'm just trying to seek attention.

 

[Young.Werther]

I think lots of people feel similarly. I think it's that everyone else doesn't realize how hard it is and CTB gets portrayed as this clean straightforward thing. It's really hard and I feel your pain. I know I thought about going to the hospital voluntarily once. As someone who has been there involuntarily, I would not recommend. I mean what are you hoping to get out of it? I don't think the hospital is the best place to get anything (including trying to find a path to recovery).

But SI is hard and not having answers is hard. It sucks and I think we all deal with that uncertainty. I used to have a method and I'm still here. I know you're not faking it if that helps. I think of it as being stuck in this limbo state where we default into surviving (but not quite living). I haven't figured a way out — if you find an answer please share. Whatever you do, I hope you find peace.

 

[Olisop21.]

SI is definitely holding me back.