Am I being impulsive?

[Wyldfyre4948]

Is it wrong for me to still continue with preparations to ctb? I still seem to have some small hope that she will come back and we can continue our marriage. A much larger part of me feels like its hopeless and I should push on with my plans.

My therapist told me during one of our first sessions that if I kill myself it could ruin her ability to love, and that she wouldn't be able to come back if I was gone. I see his point, but it is also very unfair that I should take her feelings into account when clearly mine don't. My wife knows I can't let go and change is incredibly difficult for me to accept. There is also the fact that I won't be able to move on from her.

I feel conflicted to continue my plans for the minuscule chance she does return. As it is I'm still 2 weeks from being able to buy SN or anything else. I believe it is in my best interests to stay the course though. If by some miracle she comes back then I'll still have what I need in the event she leaves again. Today is 2 weeks until our all encompassing anniversary. Maybe that is where the hope is coming from. The idea that she may return on that day. Any advice is welcome.

 

[Darkover]

i don't believe in miracles best thing to do when a relationship ends is to jump into another one, even tho you probably don't want to loss the one you had, to move on has quicky as possible is the best solution even if the breakup gives you trust issues

love is like heaven but it can hurt like hell

 

[Wyldfyre4948]

I can't just move on from 22 years with a woman and in 2 weeks it will be 13 years of marriage.

 

[todiefor]

I can't just move on from 22 years with a woman and in 2 weeks it will be 13 years of marriage.

I really feel this, I'm really sorry this is happening to you, your wife sounds like she doesn't quite deserve your unwavering commitment. I understand your undying hope though, even though you clearly see that she isn't taking your whole person into consideration. Why do you think she will come back?

 

[Wyldfyre4948]

I really don't think she will. Probably just deluding myself and hoping she won't want to throw all that time away. She hasn't given me her keys and still has some stuff here though. Not knowing is hell for me because I always overthink.

 

[todiefor]

I really don't think she will. Probably just deluding myself and hoping she won't want to throw all that time away. She hasn't given me her keys and still has some stuff here though. Not knowing is hell for me because I always overthink.

I totally get it I'm really sorry it must be hurting you like hell, seeing someone you love and thought loved you back turn away from you for no reason that you caused, seems senseless and unfair and just shit. Makes love and life seem meaningless when they could just disappear for no reason

 

[FuneralCry]

I don't really think that suicide could ever be "wrong", we all have our right to die and aren't obligated to continue existing here, it's a personal decision deciding whether to delay the inevitable or not. But it must be hard to deal with what you are going through, I get that loss is painful for many, anyway best wishes.

 

[Professor K]

It's sad that you aren't able to live for yourself and that the only context in which you would choose to continue living would be if this person comes back.
Seems like your feelings are not taken into account either, even by the therapist. I guess it's all up to you. Wishing you the best.

 

[Forever Sleep]

That's quite a guilt trip by your therapist. I mean, maybe they're right but it's quite harsh tactics.

Honestly, I can't imagine being with someone that long and then losing them. I've always been single. It has to hurt like hell and it has to be a very disorientating time. I have had limerance a few times (crazy obsessive crushes on people) and it was hard even to let them go. Obviously, what you're going through has to be a million times worse. I'm sorry.

That said though, while it probably feels unavoidable, being SO dependant on another person seems so risky. Whether they come back or not. Does she realise how dependant you are on her? If I'm honest- I don't know if I could handle it if a person was living entirely for me. It may end up feeling like carrying the responsibility of two lives. It's kind of hard enough just being strong enough for one. I don't want to pry- if you don't want to talk about it but- did she tell you why she left?

I guess it's such a cliche but whatever you decide to do- I think you need to focus on you. I don't expect you want to though and I expect I'd feel the same. I'm a romantic at heart. Still- I agree with what other people are saying- neither your partner or your therapist seems to be giving much weight to your feelings.

 

[Wyldfyre4948]

My wife is having issues with her sexuality. I've begged and pleaded with her but it really feels like I don't matter anymore. We've had conversations in the past that it would be best for me to die first because I would be useless without her. Not sure if she forgot those conversations or if she just doesn't care anymore.

I had no idea I was this dependent on her. In fact for all these years I thought I was the strong one. Life has no joy for me anymore and I don't think I'll be happy again. Right now I just want to ctb so I can see my cat again.

She knows I'm suicidal, and that has led me to wonder if she is trying to push me to do it.