Story Am I a terrible Person?!.... (what I didn't mention in my first post to this forum....)

[Griffith_NPD]

In my first post in this forum I said all this

"This is my first time doing one of these so forgive me if I'm doing it wrong... I can't think anymore, nothing phases me... I've been suicidal almost my entire life, I would say I've been depressed since I was 8, and suicidal since I was 14. I was someone who was always bullied my entire life, had terrible anxiety because of the trauma I obtained from others. To the point where I couldn't even go to school anymore. I was so worried about grades and tried to be a perfectionist, but as soon as I missed 1 assignment, I missed every assignment... I never had a true friend until a few months ago when met the love of my life. It was someone that made me happy, a feeling that I don't feel ever, unless it's with them. I always have wore a mask my entire life, a mask that I would fake my personality and how I truly feel, because in the past when I've shown people the "real me", they would look at me disgusted and move away from me... But this person that I loved and still do... They actually loved me... They said they did and I want to believe that they truly did, but idk.... This was the first time that the person I love, loved me back (I've only loved 3 people in my life), and it was the happiest feeling ever in life, it made me feel as if I finally escaped this curse, that I could be happy and content for the rest of my life... My brain is so fucked up that I can't even believe them, I mean I tried to but there actions told me otherwise, it just seemed like they hated me and didn't want to be around me... I feel disgusted of myself that I'm never good enough, I always try my best to learn new skills, hone them, and just impress others so that I could be good enough for them, but I guess I'm just cursed for no one to truly love me... I always initiate conversations first and no one ever does the same, it makes me feel like I'm obsessive....I hate it... I was told mix signals, that they love me but then the next day it seemed as if everything they said was just lies and in the moment, it really fucked me up knowing I can't escape this curse and this is my fate to never find "true love". But one day I decided I was truly going to kill myself, I even sent my goodbye note to my love, but they did not like it and I just wanted to know if they still truly loved me because they haven't communicated anymore and I just wanted to know if they still do love me... And even then they didn't answer it, and then they told me that they don't want to talk to me anymore... My plans changed because of what my love told me... It made me so weak and my brain became so numb that I couldn't even move anymore... I miss my love so much... Now my "friends" don't talk to me anymore.... I can't think straight anymore... I get flashbacks because of love and it makes me rather be dead than deal with this constant pain, I can't escape it, nothing works for me, I'm an emotionless fuck now............ I just want to be loved... Please someone, please just save me from the suffering world..."

But I never mentioned something. Something I'll say now.... I did something truly terrible and disgusting... I never ever cut myself before until the moment before my "suicide attempt" occurred... So, when I first did it, I didn't understand why others did it, I felt very minor pain, and it didn't help me, I don't feel anything, nothing emotionally, empty, soul less, etc.... But I then decided to Cut my Loves name onto my forearms, (first and last name), to remind myself why I am alive, what I'm fighting for. And it just made me somewhat relieved, like I was finally connected with this person... And then during my "attempt" the letter I gave them, with just a lot about myself in life along with photos of me in general... I put an image of my cutting to them.... If someone were to tell me, "I'm gonna cut myself for my love", I would think they're crazy and delusional and need serious help... But I was running out of options, I felt like my love didn't truly know how much I loved them, so I sent that image as a sign showing how much I care about them... Of course that backfired, and led me to a worse state of mind, leading to my CTB. The scars/cuts never healed, they are always here, to torment me. I was always cursed in life, my fate destined me to CTB one day anyways, this just severely helped it... I did this because I didn't know what to do anymore, I tried anything, I'm fucking insane, and delusional.... I hate myself, I hate everything... Now I see them everyday, I have flashbacks of them and can't get them off my mind 24/7..... Fuck me, why am I this way? I know I'm a terrible person, Idk why I'm even asking this question. Weeks after this incident, I had symptoms of dissociative amnesia, forgetting who I was, a completely different new person took over me, and I could see the old me, his life, and how pathetic and sad he was in the third person... It's weird.... But my brain started blocking out memories, and I was forgetting everything, I still kind of am to this day... Just the Trauma in my life has caused this (the trauma is not just from Love).... Yikes, what a crazy delusional life... If you ever read this.... I am sorry, I'm truly sorry that you had to know me and witness what I would do for you.

 

[lonelywander]

Hello,
So sorry you're struggling so much.
You are worth loving. You're even easy to love.
I really relate to people not liking you when you open up to them. It happens to me too. Going to my higher power helps. Don't rely on other people for your happiness. Learn to love yourself and surround yourself with people who love and care about you, even if they are professional mental health workers. Get help. You don't have to do this alone.

 

[Griffith_NPD]

Hello,
So sorry you're struggling so much.
You are worth loving. You're even easy to love.
I really relate to people not liking you when you open up to them. It happens to me too. Going to my higher power helps. Don't rely on other people for your happiness. Learn to love yourself and surround yourself with people who love and care about you, even if they are professional mental health workers. Get help. You don't have to do this alone.

My family says all the time that they "love" me, but I just don't feel it. I don't feel love from my family, and I don't love my family. The only time I felt love and could give it was to my Love, when they loved me...

 

[KAZ-2Y5]

In my first post in this forum I said all this

"This is my first time doing one of these so forgive me if I'm doing it wrong... I can't think anymore, nothing phases me... I've been suicidal almost my entire life, I would say I've been depressed since I was 8, and suicidal since I was 14. I was someone who was always bullied my entire life, had terrible anxiety because of the trauma I obtained from others. To the point where I couldn't even go to school anymore. I was so worried about grades and tried to be a perfectionist, but as soon as I missed 1 assignment, I missed every assignment... I never had a true friend until a few months ago when met the love of my life. It was someone that made me happy, a feeling that I don't feel ever, unless it's with them. I always have wore a mask my entire life, a mask that I would fake my personality and how I truly feel, because in the past when I've shown people the "real me", they would look at me disgusted and move away from me... But this person that I loved and still do... They actually loved me... They said they did and I want to believe that they truly did, but idk.... This was the first time that the person I love, loved me back (I've only loved 3 people in my life), and it was the happiest feeling ever in life, it made me feel as if I finally escaped this curse, that I could be happy and content for the rest of my life... My brain is so fucked up that I can't even believe them, I mean I tried to but there actions told me otherwise, it just seemed like they hated me and didn't want to be around me... I feel disgusted of myself that I'm never good enough, I always try my best to learn new skills, hone them, and just impress others so that I could be good enough for them, but I guess I'm just cursed for no one to truly love me... I always initiate conversations first and no one ever does the same, it makes me feel like I'm obsessive....I hate it... I was told mix signals, that they love me but then the next day it seemed as if everything they said was just lies and in the moment, it really fucked me up knowing I can't escape this curse and this is my fate to never find "true love". But one day I decided I was truly going to kill myself, I even sent my goodbye note to my love, but they did not like it and I just wanted to know if they still truly loved me because they haven't communicated anymore and I just wanted to know if they still do love me... And even then they didn't answer it, and then they told me that they don't want to talk to me anymore... My plans changed because of what my love told me... It made me so weak and my brain became so numb that I couldn't even move anymore... I miss my love so much... Now my "friends" don't talk to me anymore.... I can't think straight anymore... I get flashbacks because of love and it makes me rather be dead than deal with this constant pain, I can't escape it, nothing works for me, I'm an emotionless fuck now............ I just want to be loved... Please someone, please just save me from the suffering world..."

But I never mentioned something. Something I'll say now.... I did something truly terrible and disgusting... I never ever cut myself before until the moment before my "suicide attempt" occurred... So, when I first did it, I didn't understand why others did it, I felt very minor pain, and it didn't help me, I don't feel anything, nothing emotionally, empty, soul less, etc.... But I then decided to Cut my Loves name onto my forearms, (first and last name), to remind myself why I am alive, what I'm fighting for. And it just made me somewhat relieved, like I was finally connected with this person... And then during my "attempt" the letter I gave them, with just a lot about myself in life along with photos of me in general... I put an image of my cutting to them.... If someone were to tell me, "I'm gonna cut myself for my love", I would think they're crazy and delusional and need serious help... But I was running out of options, I felt like my love didn't truly know how much I loved them, so I sent that image as a sign showing how much I care about them... Of course that backfired, and led me to a worse state of mind, leading to my CTB. The scars/cuts never healed, they are always here, to torment me. I was always cursed in life, my fate destined me to CTB one day anyways, this just severely helped it... I did this because I didn't know what to do anymore, I tried anything, I'm fucking insane, and delusional.... I hate myself, I hate everything... Now I see them everyday, I have flashbacks of them and can't get them off my mind 24/7..... Fuck me, why am I this way? I know I'm a terrible person, Idk why I'm even asking this question. Weeks after this incident, I had symptoms of dissociative amnesia, forgetting who I was, a completely different new person took over me, and I could see the old me, his life, and how pathetic and sad he was in the third person... It's weird.... But my brain started blocking out memories, and I was forgetting everything, I still kind of am to this day... Just the Trauma in my life has caused this (the trauma is not just from Love).... Yikes, what a crazy delusional life... If you ever read this.... I am sorry, I'm truly sorry that you had to know me and witness what I would do for you.

Funnily enough I relate to every word. I did the same thing when I "loved" a friend of mine that was treating me like shit, pushing me away, pulling me back in, then making me read her mind on what she wanted if I didn't know, she'd attack me and blame me. She was sorta abusive. And it made me react by cutting myself and sending pictures on Snapchat to her on how I felt. And how I loved her. I'm sorry you've been through similar shit. I know the feelings you speak of.

 

[Starry✧･ﾟDaze]

Please take a step back for the moment and try to bear with me.

I'm very sorry you are in this terrible pain. It does sound like you've never had any stability or reliable source of unconditional love in your life. Everyone needs that, it's everything in the first years of our life.
Especially as children it can determine if we're going to be a stable person that can deal with rejection and is able to understand and respect others people's - and our own - boundaries.

I've self-harmed too in the past. More so when I was still a teen, it happens much rarer nowadays and isn't as severe.
So I can relate to the self-hate and pain and would never judge you. Again, so sorry you are going through this torment, your pain must feel unbearable.

So I can't know for sure what your loved one was truly thinking, but I will try to explain how I would feel in a situation like her's:

I imagine how I loved someone dearly, a person that I know struggles very hard with mental illness and self-hate.
At the beginning of our relationship I tried very hard to tell them how much I love them, how much they mean to me and that I can see so many more great things this person is unable to see in themselves.

And I do, I do feel love and am happy that I met them.

But after some time in our relationship I do realize that no matter how hard I try to show them love, open my arms, try to be what they need, they are unable to believe me, unable to truly feel my love.
They are too scared of abandonment and have deep trust issues, because they could've never relied on somebody else's words in their past. The scars of their soul are too deep for me to heal them and it breaks my heart.

Now if this person cut my name into their body, I'd panic and be very scared. Most people can't appreciate their partner carving their name into their arms, because this person means something to them. If I love someone, I would never want to see them in pain, let alone my own name bleeding out of their skin. It's a very scary thought.

At this very moment I would feel overwhelmed and realize that no matter what I do, no matter what I say, this person's soul is already missing so many pieces that I simply can't fill or heal them with my own. It would destroy me in the process, my own soul would have to lose too many pieces for that task and none of us both would be happy afterwards.

Maybe your loved one felt like that. Maybe she got scared, overwhelmed and felt helpless, because it is an impossible quest to heal a person's damaged soul only with love.

Love is such a powerful feeling, so we tend to think it is capable of eliminating all of our problems and suffering.

But there are more things needed in life to feel whole, like stability, self-worth, dreams. Things a spouse alone is simply not able to provide for you.

Maybe that's why she chose to go no contact, but that's only a theory.

Dear stranger, please know that I'm very sorry and I know that it sucks, but selfharm is never going to get you any closer to feeling whole. In fact it must happen from within and if this was an easy taks, most of us wouldn't even be here registered on this site.
Love can heal and fill some wounds of your soul, but a single other person will not be able to do that without losing their own mental health in the process. Only self love can do this on it's own.

Love must be proven in healthier ways, never in violence. Only then it can truly flourish and you find what true love means. And even though it 100% feels may not feel like it for you now, love can disappear, but can also be new found at a different point in life. She isn't the only person in this world that will be able to love you.

I've been there too, it's a fact, I'm serious.

Also no, neither you nor your loved one is a terrible person. Both of you are scared and I know that you just seem to feel very lost and desperate for feeling loved.

Sorry if anything of this sounded harsh, but I wanted to be truly honest with you, because I rememberd a time in my life where I did feel a deep desparation regarding love, similar to yours and it was hell.

I hope you can find peace with this, I really do ♡

EDIT: Also, please don't be too hard on yourself. Things like this happen when we are hurt, especially love can be complex and weird.
It's better to try to learn from it for your own sake and maybe try to find some sort of therapy you feel comfortable with. Thanks for opening up ♡

 

[brokeandbroken]

In my first post in this forum I said all this

"This is my first time doing one of these so forgive me if I'm doing it wrong... I can't think anymore, nothing phases me... I've been suicidal almost my entire life, I would say I've been depressed since I was 8, and suicidal since I was 14. I was someone who was always bullied my entire life, had terrible anxiety because of the trauma I obtained from others. To the point where I couldn't even go to school anymore. I was so worried about grades and tried to be a perfectionist, but as soon as I missed 1 assignment, I missed every assignment... I never had a true friend until a few months ago when met the love of my life. It was someone that made me happy, a feeling that I don't feel ever, unless it's with them. I always have wore a mask my entire life, a mask that I would fake my personality and how I truly feel, because in the past when I've shown people the "real me", they would look at me disgusted and move away from me... But this person that I loved and still do... They actually loved me... They said they did and I want to believe that they truly did, but idk.... This was the first time that the person I love, loved me back (I've only loved 3 people in my life), and it was the happiest feeling ever in life, it made me feel as if I finally escaped this curse, that I could be happy and content for the rest of my life... My brain is so fucked up that I can't even believe them, I mean I tried to but there actions told me otherwise, it just seemed like they hated me and didn't want to be around me... I feel disgusted of myself that I'm never good enough, I always try my best to learn new skills, hone them, and just impress others so that I could be good enough for them, but I guess I'm just cursed for no one to truly love me... I always initiate conversations first and no one ever does the same, it makes me feel like I'm obsessive....I hate it... I was told mix signals, that they love me but then the next day it seemed as if everything they said was just lies and in the moment, it really fucked me up knowing I can't escape this curse and this is my fate to never find "true love". But one day I decided I was truly going to kill myself, I even sent my goodbye note to my love, but they did not like it and I just wanted to know if they still truly loved me because they haven't communicated anymore and I just wanted to know if they still do love me... And even then they didn't answer it, and then they told me that they don't want to talk to me anymore... My plans changed because of what my love told me... It made me so weak and my brain became so numb that I couldn't even move anymore... I miss my love so much... Now my "friends" don't talk to me anymore.... I can't think straight anymore... I get flashbacks because of love and it makes me rather be dead than deal with this constant pain, I can't escape it, nothing works for me, I'm an emotionless fuck now............ I just want to be loved... Please someone, please just save me from the suffering world..."

But I never mentioned something. Something I'll say now.... I did something truly terrible and disgusting... I never ever cut myself before until the moment before my "suicide attempt" occurred... So, when I first did it, I didn't understand why others did it, I felt very minor pain, and it didn't help me, I don't feel anything, nothing emotionally, empty, soul less, etc.... But I then decided to Cut my Loves name onto my forearms, (first and last name), to remind myself why I am alive, what I'm fighting for. And it just made me somewhat relieved, like I was finally connected with this person... And then during my "attempt" the letter I gave them, with just a lot about myself in life along with photos of me in general... I put an image of my cutting to them.... If someone were to tell me, "I'm gonna cut myself for my love", I would think they're crazy and delusional and need serious help... But I was running out of options, I felt like my love didn't truly know how much I loved them, so I sent that image as a sign showing how much I care about them... Of course that backfired, and led me to a worse state of mind, leading to my CTB. The scars/cuts never healed, they are always here, to torment me. I was always cursed in life, my fate destined me to CTB one day anyways, this just severely helped it... I did this because I didn't know what to do anymore, I tried anything, I'm fucking insane, and delusional.... I hate myself, I hate everything... Now I see them everyday, I have flashbacks of them and can't get them off my mind 24/7..... Fuck me, why am I this way? I know I'm a terrible person, Idk why I'm even asking this question. Weeks after this incident, I had symptoms of dissociative amnesia, forgetting who I was, a completely different new person took over me, and I could see the old me, his life, and how pathetic and sad he was in the third person... It's weird.... But my brain started blocking out memories, and I was forgetting everything, I still kind of am to this day... Just the Trauma in my life has caused this (the trauma is not just from Love).... Yikes, what a crazy delusional life... If you ever read this.... I am sorry, I'm truly sorry that you had to know me and witness what I would do for you.

The answer to the prompt is no you are not a terrible person. People, love, etc.... Is complicated. It makes some sense because humans are fairly monogamous creatures with complex "rituals". If you want my opinion move on find your next love. This shouldn't be seen as a one and done thing. You managed to convince someone to love you albeit briefly. That's a good sign it means it can happen again. Learn what worked and didn't work and find your next love. Hope that one is forever. If that does occur I would explain what you explained here albeit without the ex-lover part. Explain why you are the way you are if and when you get far enough. To reiterate you aren't a terrible person.

Please take a step back for the moment and try to bear with me.

I'm very sorry you are in this terrible pain. It does sound like you've never had any stability or reliable source of unconditional love in your life. Everyone needs that, it's everything in the first years of our life.
Especially as children it can determine if we're going to be a stable person that can deal with rejection and is able to understand and respect others people's - and our own - boundaries.

I've self-harmed too in the past. More so when I was still a teen, it happens much rarer nowadays and isn't as severe.
So I can relate to the self-hate and pain and would never judge you. Again, so sorry you are going through this torment, your pain must feel unbearable.

So I can't know for sure what your loved one was truly thinking, but I will try to explain how I would feel in a situation like her's:

I imagine how I loved someone dearly, a person that I know struggles very hard with mental illness and self-hate.
At the beginning of our relationship I tried very hard to tell them how much I love them, how much they mean to me and that I can see so many more great things this person is unable to see in themselves.

And I do, I do feel love and am happy that I met them.

But after some time in our relationship I do realize that no matter how hard I try to show them love, open my arms, try to be what they need, they are unable to believe me, unable to truly feel my love.
They are too scared of abandonment and have deep trust issues, because they could've never relied on somebody else's words in their past. The scars of their soul are too deep for me to heal them and it breaks my heart.

Now if this person cut my name into their body, I'd panic and be very scared. Most people can't appreciate their partner carving their name into their arms, because this person means something to them. If I love someone, I would never want to see them in pain, let alone my own name bleeding out of their skin. It's a very scary thought.

At this very moment I would feel overwhelmed and realize that no matter what I do, no matter what I say, this person's soul is already missing so many pieces that I simply can't fill or heal them with my own. It would destroy me in the process, my own soul would have to lose too many pieces for that task and none of us both would be happy afterwards.

Maybe your loved one felt like that. Maybe she got scared, overwhelmed and felt helpless, because it is an impossible quest to heal a person's damaged soul only with love.

Love is such a powerful feeling, so we tend to think it is capable of eliminating all of our problems and suffering.

But there are more things needed in life to feel whole, like stability, self-worth, dreams. Things a spouse alone is simply not able to provide for you.

Maybe that's why she chose to go no contact, but that's only a theory.

Dear stranger, please know that I'm very sorry and I know that it sucks, but selfharm is never going to get you any closer to feeling whole. In fact it must happen from within and if this was an easy taks, most of us wouldn't even be here registered on this site.
Love can heal and fill some wounds of your soul, but a single other person will not be able to do that without losing their own mental health in the process. Only self love can do this on it's own.

Love must be proven in healthier ways, never in violence. Only then it can truly flourish and you find what true love means. And even though it 100% feels may not feel like it for you now, love can disappear, but can also be new found at a different point in life. She isn't the only person in this world that will be able to love you.

I've been there too, it's a fact, I'm serious.

Also no, neither you nor your loved one is a terrible person. Both of you are scared and I know that you just seem to feel very lost and desperate for feeling loved.

Sorry if anything of this sounded harsh, but I wanted to be truly honest with you, because I rememberd a time in my life where I did feel a deep desparation regarding love, similar to yours and it was hell.

I hope you can find peace with this, I really do ♡

EDIT: Also, please don't be too hard on yourself. Things like this happen when we are hurt, especially love can be complex and weird.
It's better to try to learn from it for your own sake and maybe try to find some sort of therapy you feel comfortable with. Thanks for opening up ♡

Really wish I read this before posting as it did a much better job stating things then I ever could.

 

[DeadManLiving]

When you said terrible person that did a terrible thing, my gut instinct was bracing for something criminal in nature or child molestation. Engraving of your loved ones out of the heartbreak they have caused you? Oh hell no, what do you mean terrible person? Most lovable person that unfortunately like many of us became another's toilet paper.

When you said terrible thing I thought you were going to reveal you committed homicide or were facing a prison sentence or something. You're the most lovable person, a beautiful person - the complete polar opposite of terrible. How could you possibly be terrible?

 

[Stuckinpast28]

In my first post in this forum I said all this

"This is my first time doing one of these so forgive me if I'm doing it wrong... I can't think anymore, nothing phases me... I've been suicidal almost my entire life, I would say I've been depressed since I was 8, and suicidal since I was 14. I was someone who was always bullied my entire life, had terrible anxiety because of the trauma I obtained from others. To the point where I couldn't even go to school anymore. I was so worried about grades and tried to be a perfectionist, but as soon as I missed 1 assignment, I missed every assignment... I never had a true friend until a few months ago when met the love of my life. It was someone that made me happy, a feeling that I don't feel ever, unless it's with them. I always have wore a mask my entire life, a mask that I would fake my personality and how I truly feel, because in the past when I've shown people the "real me", they would look at me disgusted and move away from me... But this person that I loved and still do... They actually loved me... They said they did and I want to believe that they truly did, but idk.... This was the first time that the person I love, loved me back (I've only loved 3 people in my life), and it was the happiest feeling ever in life, it made me feel as if I finally escaped this curse, that I could be happy and content for the rest of my life... My brain is so fucked up that I can't even believe them, I mean I tried to but there actions told me otherwise, it just seemed like they hated me and didn't want to be around me... I feel disgusted of myself that I'm never good enough, I always try my best to learn new skills, hone them, and just impress others so that I could be good enough for them, but I guess I'm just cursed for no one to truly love me... I always initiate conversations first and no one ever does the same, it makes me feel like I'm obsessive....I hate it... I was told mix signals, that they love me but then the next day it seemed as if everything they said was just lies and in the moment, it really fucked me up knowing I can't escape this curse and this is my fate to never find "true love". But one day I decided I was truly going to kill myself, I even sent my goodbye note to my love, but they did not like it and I just wanted to know if they still truly loved me because they haven't communicated anymore and I just wanted to know if they still do love me... And even then they didn't answer it, and then they told me that they don't want to talk to me anymore... My plans changed because of what my love told me... It made me so weak and my brain became so numb that I couldn't even move anymore... I miss my love so much... Now my "friends" don't talk to me anymore.... I can't think straight anymore... I get flashbacks because of love and it makes me rather be dead than deal with this constant pain, I can't escape it, nothing works for me, I'm an emotionless fuck now............ I just want to be loved... Please someone, please just save me from the suffering world..."

But I never mentioned something. Something I'll say now.... I did something truly terrible and disgusting... I never ever cut myself before until the moment before my "suicide attempt" occurred... So, when I first did it, I didn't understand why others did it, I felt very minor pain, and it didn't help me, I don't feel anything, nothing emotionally, empty, soul less, etc.... But I then decided to Cut my Loves name onto my forearms, (first and last name), to remind myself why I am alive, what I'm fighting for. And it just made me somewhat relieved, like I was finally connected with this person... And then during my "attempt" the letter I gave them, with just a lot about myself in life along with photos of me in general... I put an image of my cutting to them.... If someone were to tell me, "I'm gonna cut myself for my love", I would think they're crazy and delusional and need serious help... But I was running out of options, I felt like my love didn't truly know how much I loved them, so I sent that image as a sign showing how much I care about them... Of course that backfired, and led me to a worse state of mind, leading to my CTB. The scars/cuts never healed, they are always here, to torment me. I was always cursed in life, my fate destined me to CTB one day anyways, this just severely helped it... I did this because I didn't know what to do anymore, I tried anything, I'm fucking insane, and delusional.... I hate myself, I hate everything... Now I see them everyday, I have flashbacks of them and can't get them off my mind 24/7..... Fuck me, why am I this way? I know I'm a terrible person, Idk why I'm even asking this question. Weeks after this incident, I had symptoms of dissociative amnesia, forgetting who I was, a completely different new person took over me, and I could see the old me, his life, and how pathetic and sad he was in the third person... It's weird.... But my brain started blocking out memories, and I was forgetting everything, I still kind of am to this day... Just the Trauma in my life has caused this (the trauma is not just from Love).... Yikes, what a crazy delusional life... If you ever read this.... I am sorry, I'm truly sorry that you had to know me and witness what I would do for you.

Sheesh, reading that was like seeing myself in the mirror, I mean you've lived pretty much what I lived all my life. Unfortunately, there is not much I can say as I am in the same boat, I hope you will find peace eventually and if there is ever an afterlife, I hope we can meet there and just maybe hug it out or talk.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I don't think you're a bad person at all. It just sounds like you feel desperation and don't know how to cope with it. I guess the trouble is- other people may not know either. That's not your fault. It isn't theirs either. I wish we all knew how to handle the emotions we feel.

 

[Praestat_Mori]

I'm sorry you have to go through this but you are certainly not a terrible person! I wish you all the best and hope you find peace!

 

[FeyB]

Bumping Starry response because I think it's important for anyone who is in a similar situation. Taking a step back to analyze the situation is fundamental and I am the one in primis who has the most problem doing it more often than I'd like to admit.
Love is subjective and goes in different kinds of form. Try to accept yourself and especially your action although it's very very hard and this are just words.
Kind stranger I hope you may find peace in this troublesome world

Please take a step back for the moment and try to bear with me.

I'm very sorry you are in this terrible pain. It does sound like you've never had any stability or reliable source of unconditional love in your life. Everyone needs that, it's everything in the first years of our life.
Especially as children it can determine if we're going to be a stable person that can deal with rejection and is able to understand and respect others people's - and our own - boundaries.

I've self-harmed too in the past. More so when I was still a teen, it happens much rarer nowadays and isn't as severe.
So I can relate to the self-hate and pain and would never judge you. Again, so sorry you are going through this torment, your pain must feel unbearable.

So I can't know for sure what your loved one was truly thinking, but I will try to explain how I would feel in a situation like her's:

I imagine how I loved someone dearly, a person that I know struggles very hard with mental illness and self-hate.
At the beginning of our relationship I tried very hard to tell them how much I love them, how much they mean to me and that I can see so many more great things this person is unable to see in themselves.

And I do, I do feel love and am happy that I met them.

But after some time in our relationship I do realize that no matter how hard I try to show them love, open my arms, try to be what they need, they are unable to believe me, unable to truly feel my love.
They are too scared of abandonment and have deep trust issues, because they could've never relied on somebody else's words in their past. The scars of their soul are too deep for me to heal them and it breaks my heart.

Now if this person cut my name into their body, I'd panic and be very scared. Most people can't appreciate their partner carving their name into their arms, because this person means something to them. If I love someone, I would never want to see them in pain, let alone my own name bleeding out of their skin. It's a very scary thought.

At this very moment I would feel overwhelmed and realize that no matter what I do, no matter what I say, this person's soul is already missing so many pieces that I simply can't fill or heal them with my own. It would destroy me in the process, my own soul would have to lose too many pieces for that task and none of us both would be happy afterwards.

Maybe your loved one felt like that. Maybe she got scared, overwhelmed and felt helpless, because it is an impossible quest to heal a person's damaged soul only with love.

Love is such a powerful feeling, so we tend to think it is capable of eliminating all of our problems and suffering.

But there are more things needed in life to feel whole, like stability, self-worth, dreams. Things a spouse alone is simply not able to provide for you.

Maybe that's why she chose to go no contact, but that's only a theory.

Dear stranger, please know that I'm very sorry and I know that it sucks, but selfharm is never going to get you any closer to feeling whole. In fact it must happen from within and if this was an easy taks, most of us wouldn't even be here registered on this site.
Love can heal and fill some wounds of your soul, but a single other person will not be able to do that without losing their own mental health in the process. Only self love can do this on it's own.

Love must be proven in healthier ways, never in violence. Only then it can truly flourish and you find what true love means. And even though it 100% feels may not feel like it for you now, love can disappear, but can also be new found at a different point in life. She isn't the only person in this world that will be able to love you.

I've been there too, it's a fact, I'm serious.

Also no, neither you nor your loved one is a terrible person. Both of you are scared and I know that you just seem to feel very lost and desperate for feeling loved.

Sorry if anything of this sounded harsh, but I wanted to be truly honest with you, because I rememberd a time in my life where I did feel a deep desparation regarding love, similar to yours and it was hell.

I hope you can find peace with this, I really do ♡

EDIT: Also, please don't be too hard on yourself. Things like this happen when we are hurt, especially love can be complex and weird.
It's better to try to learn from it for your own sake and maybe try to find some sort of therapy you feel comfortable with. Thanks for opening up ♡

 

[Griffith_NPD]

Thank you everyone for the feedback and support you have given. Ever since that day, I've already realized how delusional I was still kind of am, but I have come to terms with who I am as a person. I would never do this again. I haven't cut since that day. And I never want to harm them again. But there is one thing, I've seen others love me before, while I just do not feel the same for most. This person, was truly an amazing person, and I will never find another person like this, I don't want to find another person like them, I only want to live with them. This sounds crazy, I'm sure it does. But I will continue to suffer from this, but I will not harm this person, not matter what, I won't make this situation worse for my Love... But this truly was the only one, that gave me True Love. The love that could eliminate all problems, gave me reason in life, made me a feel. It doesn't matter anymore though. Anyways, thank you once again everyone, I appreciate it. Sorry for the rant.

 

[EndJstifiesTheMeans]

Wow, so relatable really..
I feel this story is so similar to mine


I dont know how i can help you, but i wish you the best with your dreams

 

[KAZ-2Y5]

When you said terrible person that did a terrible thing, my gut instinct was bracing for something criminal in nature or child molestation. Engraving of your loved ones out of the heartbreak they have caused you? Oh hell no, what do you mean terrible person? Most lovable person that unfortunately like many of us became another's toilet paper.

When you said terrible thing I thought you were going to reveal you committed homicide or were facing a prison sentence or something. You're the most lovable person, a beautiful person - the complete polar opposite of terrible. How could you possibly be terrible?

I agree they're definitely not terrible at all. Just lost, mentally ill, abused and reacting to that in the on my ways they knew how at the time. They're definitely a good person.

 

[venin]

In my first post in this forum I said all this

"This is my first time doing one of these so forgive me if I'm doing it wrong... I can't think anymore, nothing phases me... I've been suicidal almost my entire life, I would say I've been depressed since I was 8, and suicidal since I was 14. I was someone who was always bullied my entire life, had terrible anxiety because of the trauma I obtained from others. To the point where I couldn't even go to school anymore. I was so worried about grades and tried to be a perfectionist, but as soon as I missed 1 assignment, I missed every assignment... I never had a true friend until a few months ago when met the love of my life. It was someone that made me happy, a feeling that I don't feel ever, unless it's with them. I always have wore a mask my entire life, a mask that I would fake my personality and how I truly feel, because in the past when I've shown people the "real me", they would look at me disgusted and move away from me... But this person that I loved and still do... They actually loved me... They said they did and I want to believe that they truly did, but idk.... This was the first time that the person I love, loved me back (I've only loved 3 people in my life), and it was the happiest feeling ever in life, it made me feel as if I finally escaped this curse, that I could be happy and content for the rest of my life... My brain is so fucked up that I can't even believe them, I mean I tried to but there actions told me otherwise, it just seemed like they hated me and didn't want to be around me... I feel disgusted of myself that I'm never good enough, I always try my best to learn new skills, hone them, and just impress others so that I could be good enough for them, but I guess I'm just cursed for no one to truly love me... I always initiate conversations first and no one ever does the same, it makes me feel like I'm obsessive....I hate it... I was told mix signals, that they love me but then the next day it seemed as if everything they said was just lies and in the moment, it really fucked me up knowing I can't escape this curse and this is my fate to never find "true love". But one day I decided I was truly going to kill myself, I even sent my goodbye note to my love, but they did not like it and I just wanted to know if they still truly loved me because they haven't communicated anymore and I just wanted to know if they still do love me... And even then they didn't answer it, and then they told me that they don't want to talk to me anymore... My plans changed because of what my love told me... It made me so weak and my brain became so numb that I couldn't even move anymore... I miss my love so much... Now my "friends" don't talk to me anymore.... I can't think straight anymore... I get flashbacks because of love and it makes me rather be dead than deal with this constant pain, I can't escape it, nothing works for me, I'm an emotionless fuck now............ I just want to be loved... Please someone, please just save me from the suffering world..."

But I never mentioned something. Something I'll say now.... I did something truly terrible and disgusting... I never ever cut myself before until the moment before my "suicide attempt" occurred... So, when I first did it, I didn't understand why others did it, I felt very minor pain, and it didn't help me, I don't feel anything, nothing emotionally, empty, soul less, etc.... But I then decided to Cut my Loves name onto my forearms, (first and last name), to remind myself why I am alive, what I'm fighting for. And it just made me somewhat relieved, like I was finally connected with this person... And then during my "attempt" the letter I gave them, with just a lot about myself in life along with photos of me in general... I put an image of my cutting to them.... If someone were to tell me, "I'm gonna cut myself for my love", I would think they're crazy and delusional and need serious help... But I was running out of options, I felt like my love didn't truly know how much I loved them, so I sent that image as a sign showing how much I care about them... Of course that backfired, and led me to a worse state of mind, leading to my CTB. The scars/cuts never healed, they are always here, to torment me. I was always cursed in life, my fate destined me to CTB one day anyways, this just severely helped it... I did this because I didn't know what to do anymore, I tried anything, I'm fucking insane, and delusional.... I hate myself, I hate everything... Now I see them everyday, I have flashbacks of them and can't get them off my mind 24/7..... Fuck me, why am I this way? I know I'm a terrible person, Idk why I'm even asking this question. Weeks after this incident, I had symptoms of dissociative amnesia, forgetting who I was, a completely different new person took over me, and I could see the old me, his life, and how pathetic and sad he was in the third person... It's weird.... But my brain started blocking out memories, and I was forgetting everything, I still kind of am to this day... Just the Trauma in my life has caused this (the trauma is not just from Love).... Yikes, what a crazy delusional life... If you ever read this.... I am sorry, I'm truly sorry that you had to know me and witness what I would do for

Why the terrible person part? Because you have a bigger need to be loved? Because you were traumatised?

 

[exiled]

First of all, I just want to thank you so much for being so vulnerable and sharing this with us. I sense that you must have felt severe amounts of shame while typing this, but I just want you to feel empowered knowing that your words have led so many of us here to feel heard, to feel seen. Please do not apologize about what you've written here; you bravely shared something that made me feel like I am not alone in this world.

Love can drive us to do such out of character things and first and foremost I need you to understand that this does not make you crazy. It just further proves the depth of which you're hurting. Especially given that this person was giving you mixed signals. As a complex trauma survivor, I tend to ruminate and look for every little detail I can to confirm my unhealthy bias that someone doesn't truly care about me. Now, I am not trying to argue in favor or against that claim. I don't know if you were looking for things that maybe weren't truly as strongly there just to prove to yourself that you are "unloveable" or if this person truly just was being so wishy-washy. I think though that that part of it is beside the point; I believe you that you felt absolutely confused and hurt by this person's actions, regardless of the logistics of how it happened.

Self-harm is something I've engaged with before and it also never necessarily brought me that "high" feeling that others have often talked highly of. However, it gave me a sense of control; of power. Something that I lacked my whole life. Sounds like that was kind of the intent behind you cutting, too? Correct me if I'm wrong. In doing so, you went with the name of the person that had been hurting you the most, the one who was reminding you most of why you want to punish yourself. It makes total sense. This is far from delusional when you really think about it. You are a hurting person seeking answers in an unforgiving world, and no one should really judge you for making the decision that you did. Was it healthy? Absolutely not. Was it helpful? Maybe? In the moment? But not long term. Forgive yourself for not knowing how to cope with what felt like an impossible situation for you at the time. There is no shame here. I am so sorry you were led to a point that it felt like the only option. My heart hurts at the thought of you shedding blood and experiencing such pain and horror due to the sheer pain this caused you.

As far as sending this other person a photo: you clearly know there's a piece to this that might not have been the best move. I'm not going to further hit that home. You have the awareness. However, I think that as the person on the receiving end, it can be a little overwhelming. It could cause them to worry that their presence in your life is only leading you to be in more pain. It could scare them into feeling responsible. It could trigger them with their own issues. It could make them feel like they need to just... run away all together. You know these possibilities and again, I don't want to continue to point out the obvious. I only say this to say that you are not a lost cause. Others just may not always understand the things we do to cope with our pain. As someone who has been there, I can fully empathize with you and know that you had no ill intent. But perhaps this person right now just needs a little space. I would grant them that - not just for their sake, but for yours. A healthy break away from people who cause us to feel such intense feelings can be a really healing idea.

You are repeatedly worried about if you are the bad person or in the wrong here. Another feeling I can relate to: guilt. But what would you say to me? Or another SS post if someone had described your situation to the tee and then repeatedly shamed themselves for it in their post? I have a hunch you'd have at least an ounce of compassion; give some of that to yourself, too. You are not a terrible person for not mentioning this in your first post. You are an incredibly brave warrior for making a second post explaining it. And you are not a terrible person for what you sent this other person. You are a hurting person who is trying to make sense out of a situation that doesn't seem to be very clear.

Anyway, all this to say: you are not a lost cause. No matter what happens moving forward with this person. Whether they are in your life or not, there is hope for you. And I know that's a disgustingly pro-life thing to say, but I'm sorry that that's the truth. I am here if you want to process this to a greater depth with someone one on one. I'm frequently on Discord and will be more than happy to give you my tag if you are looking for some connection. It's a lot, I know. But you shouldn't carry this weight on your own. We can figure it out together. But for now, just please take care of yourself? Can you, for now, commit to 24 hours of a brain break from this entire situation? It'll all be here a day from now, but for a moment just... let go. There are answers, but you don't need them all today.