My favorite (leftwing) news magazine had inequality as central theme this week. How the rich accumulate insane amounts of money with some shady tricks. And that the poorest people in my country experience severe hardship due to inflation. I think I will be forced to kill myself due to the fact I cannot work. They described a story of a woman who is unable to work due to an illness and now has to endure welfare. It always sounds so bone-crushing. Two therapists of mine think I gonna kill myself also due to the fact I cannot work/ will have to live in poverty.
For me this is so torturous. Some people say it is not that bad. For me it (welfare) sounds extremely nightmarish. I think I won't endure that for a long time when my parents are dead. But to be honest it rather looks like I could get a third psychosis in the near future. For me this is like game theory with different scenarios. And damn suicide is most often the result. Either the extreme psychosomatic pain returns (psychosis) or I end up in poverty.
I try to choose the least bad option. But all my options suck and the game is rigged against me.
I get so extremely anxious when I think about welfare. Reading about it makes me very depressive. Other people could enjoy the present in my position. But I always ruminate about the future, my unsolvable issues and the pain that will likely happen.
I absolutely cannot imagine to live with this low amount of money forever. This will drive me to commit suicide. And I am unable to change that fate. I try so extremely hard in order to recover enough so that working becomes possible. But performance pressure triggers me so fucking much. This stems from my abuse.
I am so fucking desperate. To be honest I think the pressure I do to myself is insane. This pressure also stems from my abuse. I think the level of pressure is really exceptional. I don't know the consciousness of other people but when I have conversation with other people I notice they are not in a similar mental hell. I am extremely disciplined. If I wanted to I could try to work for the whole day. But I had to learn that this is not healthy for me. The pressure might also stem from my survival instict. I know that if I can't work I will have to kill myself. This is such an existential fight. And it is not unlikely that all my pressure and recovery attempts will be in vain. At least I can say to myself when I kill myself that I have tried it as good as possible. And that I am not the one to be blamed for for such a tragedy/catastrophe.
For me this is so torturous. Some people say it is not that bad. For me it (welfare) sounds extremely nightmarish. I think I won't endure that for a long time when my parents are dead. But to be honest it rather looks like I could get a third psychosis in the near future. For me this is like game theory with different scenarios. And damn suicide is most often the result. Either the extreme psychosomatic pain returns (psychosis) or I end up in poverty.
I try to choose the least bad option. But all my options suck and the game is rigged against me.
I get so extremely anxious when I think about welfare. Reading about it makes me very depressive. Other people could enjoy the present in my position. But I always ruminate about the future, my unsolvable issues and the pain that will likely happen.
I absolutely cannot imagine to live with this low amount of money forever. This will drive me to commit suicide. And I am unable to change that fate. I try so extremely hard in order to recover enough so that working becomes possible. But performance pressure triggers me so fucking much. This stems from my abuse.
I am so fucking desperate. To be honest I think the pressure I do to myself is insane. This pressure also stems from my abuse. I think the level of pressure is really exceptional. I don't know the consciousness of other people but when I have conversation with other people I notice they are not in a similar mental hell. I am extremely disciplined. If I wanted to I could try to work for the whole day. But I had to learn that this is not healthy for me. The pressure might also stem from my survival instict. I know that if I can't work I will have to kill myself. This is such an existential fight. And it is not unlikely that all my pressure and recovery attempts will be in vain. At least I can say to myself when I kill myself that I have tried it as good as possible. And that I am not the one to be blamed for for such a tragedy/catastrophe.
Last edited:
