Venting Alone on pride

[bullfrog61]

I grew up in a home that didn't accept me being gay and went to college in a small, rural town that was also not particularly accepting. I've always just wanted to be around other people who'd accept me.

I finally moved out to a large city almost a year ago for grad school, and I promised myself that this year, I'd finally go to a pride parade for the first time. And when I did, I'd go with the friends I'd made.

Well, one year later, I haven't made any friends. Pride was today. I didn't go.

I feel lonely most of the time, but I don't remember the last time I felt as lonely as I do today.

I don't understand why, but I'm just not who I used to be anymore. I used to be so much more confident and happy. That version of me has been gone for years now and I don't think he's ever coming back.

 

[fadedghost]

I grew up in a home that didn't accept me being gay and went to college in a small, rural town that was also not particularly accepting. I've always just wanted to be around other people who'd accept me.

I finally moved out to a large city almost a year ago for grad school, and I promised myself that this year, I'd finally go to a pride parade for the first time. And when I did, I'd go with the friends I'd made.

Well, one year later, I haven't made any friends. Pride was today. I didn't go.

I feel lonely most of the time, but I don't remember the last time I felt as lonely as I do today.

I don't understand why, but I'm just not who I used to be anymore. I used to be so much more confident and happy. That version of me has been gone for years now and I don't think he's ever coming back.

Have you tried checking out meetup.com? A lot of people on it are looking to meet new people and sometimes are new to the area. Meeting people is a really weird phenomenon: the busier you are and the more friends you have, the easier it is (even if you have no time) and when you have time and want friends, suddenly it's harder. If you have no or few friends, the hardest thing is making the first few friends. It's a lot like how difficult it is to get that first job, and then after that it becomes a lot easier. It sucks that it's this way, but you could try to surmount it.

Honestly, I bet if you went to at least 1 meetup.com group per week and just kept doing that you would end up having good friends within 6 months.

 

[bagel12]

i'm sorry you're going through this, being gay is uniquely isolating. i'm spending pride alone too, it sucks.

making friends in a big city is daunting. but once you make a few, it gets easier, because they introduce you to their friends.

if you have any hobbies, interests, sports etc could you join a club or group for that? either at your grad school or in your city? would you be open to joining an lgbtq group?

i also recommend volunteering somewhere. most cities have an animal shelter, food bank, neighborhood cleanup, soup kitchen, or lgbtq organization to volunteer at. in my experience, most people who volunteer are open to making friends and they aren't cliquey, and i made friends. it was only an hour a week, and it made me feel good to help others.

 

[SighCry]

I grew up in a home that didn't accept me being gay and went to college in a small, rural town that was also not particularly accepting. I've always just wanted to be around other people who'd accept me.

I finally moved out to a large city almost a year ago for grad school, and I promised myself that this year, I'd finally go to a pride parade for the first time. And when I did, I'd go with the friends I'd made.

Well, one year later, I haven't made any friends. Pride was today. I didn't go.

I feel lonely most of the time, but I don't remember the last time I felt as lonely as I do today.

I don't understand why, but I'm just not who I used to be anymore. I used to be so much more confident and happy. That version of me has been gone for years now and I don't think he's ever coming back.

I hear you. Sorry for the directness but have you tried making friends on Reddit? Like if there's a Reddit social page in the city/area you live. I met someone on Reddit last week it was fun.

 

[Worndown]

Had you gone alone, you would have met people.
Get outside, do something.
Go to a bar, drink soda if you need to.
Your comfort zone is a real thing snd not working. Try something different.

 

[BradGuy123]

Have you tried finding an LGBTQ+ group? They have all kinds in big cities: hiking groups, sports groups, gaming groups, religious groups, political activism, dinner meetups, etc.

 

[bullfrog61]

To everyone telling me "just go do things alone" or "try meetup"—thanks, I appreciate the advice, and that advice would work for most people, but I've tried that stuff already. I'm not just sitting at home on my ass all day doing nothing, nor did I say that anywhere in my post. There's no need to imply that I'm just "staying in my comfort zone" and not trying.

Money is really tight and I don't have tons of free time, but I still try to go out and do things at least once or twice a week. Genuinely. I go on meetup, I go to bars, I go to club meetings, I try plenty of new things. And yes, I approach people and start conversations and everything, I don't just stand in the corner and say nothing. It was fun for the first couple months, but I honestly don't see much of a point anymore.

The thing is, when I "put myself out there," people don't tend to like me. I don't have a lot of hobbies or interests or special talents, I'm broke, I don't have much to talk about or offer anyone. I used to be more interesting, but I'm not anymore, my personality just disappeared one day and never really came back. And it's frankly getting exhausting to keep walking into rooms where I don't know anyone, forcing myself to chat people up, and then walking out with a couple phone numbers from people who just ghost me or tell me they're too busy. It's not worth the anxiety attacks I get during or the guilt and self-hatred I feel after. It only gets harder every time.

At the end of the day, I have to admit that I just don't really like doing this stuff or see the point in it anymore.

And in case anyone wants to say "seems like your attitude/mindset needs to change" or "you sound really unlikeable" or "you're just feeling sorry for yourself" or "you can't complain about being lonely if you don't like being social," yeah, obviously all of that is true. This isn't exactly a website for people who are doing great in life.

Regardless, thanks to those of you who made constructive suggestions—some of these were helpful.

 

[RatherBe]

To everyone telling me "just go do things alone" or "try meetup"—thanks, I appreciate the advice, and that advice would work for most people, but I've tried that stuff already. I'm not just sitting at home on my ass all day doing nothing, nor did I say that anywhere in my post. There's no need to imply that I'm just "staying in my comfort zone" and not trying.

Money is really tight and I don't have tons of free time, but I still try to go out and do things at least once or twice a week. Genuinely. I go on meetup, I go to bars, I go to club meetings, I try plenty of new things. And yes, I approach people and start conversations and everything, I don't just stand in the corner and say nothing. It was fun for the first couple months, but I honestly don't see much of a point anymore.

The thing is, when I "put myself out there," people don't tend to like me. I don't have a lot of hobbies or interests or special talents, I'm broke, I don't have much to talk about or offer anyone. I used to be more interesting, but I'm not anymore, my personality just disappeared one day and never really came back. And it's frankly getting exhausting to keep walking into rooms where I don't know anyone, forcing myself to chat people up, and then walking out with a couple phone numbers from people who just ghost me or tell me they're too busy. It's not worth the anxiety attacks I get during or the guilt and self-hatred I feel after. It only gets harder every time.

At the end of the day, I have to admit that I just don't really like doing this stuff or see the point in it anymore.

And in case anyone wants to say "seems like your attitude/mindset needs to change" or "you sound really unlikeable" or "you're just feeling sorry for yourself" or "you can't complain about being lonely if you don't like being social," yeah, obviously all of that is true. This isn't exactly a website for people who are doing great in life.

Regardless, thanks to those of you who made constructive suggestions—some of these were helpful.

This isn't helpful to u at all but this is basically exactly how I feel. I don't have enough passion in life anymore to have any solid interests to bond with anyone over so even if I manage to find myself in a social situation it simply doesn't go anywhere, especially when as you said you get a number just for them to ghost you. It sucks and is very discouraging. Going into those rooms full of people who already know each other and facing awkward interaction one after the other is just the worst and you only feel lonelier afterwards. Genuinely how the fuck are we meant to make real friends lol. And I've also been watching pride from afar the last few years hoping one day I'll have someone to go with so ur not alone in that

 

[bullfrog61]

This isn't helpful to u at all but this is basically exactly how I feel. I don't have enough passion in life anymore to have any solid interests to bond with anyone over so even if I manage to find myself in a social situation it simply doesn't go anywhere, especially when as you said you get a number just for them to ghost you. It sucks and is very discouraging. Going into those rooms full of people who already know each other and facing awkward interaction one after the other is just the worst and you only feel lonelier afterwards. Genuinely how the fuck are we meant to make real friends lol. And I've also been watching pride from afar the last few years hoping one day I'll have someone to go with so ur not alone in that
.

I've been asking myself the same question and I've kind of come to the conclusion that I don't really think we *are* meant to make real friends? That is to say, I think that sometime after roughly age 18, you need a strong and likable personality, clear and relatable interests, and (most importantly) money in order to have friends. Even if you have all of those traits, it's still really difficult. But if you lack even one of those—and once one of them is gone, the other two will follow pretty quickly—then it goes from being difficult to being practically impossible.

Someone earlier said that finding friends is a lot like finding a job, and I think that's very true. If you're unemployed for longer than a couple months, it gets way harder to find a job, and if you're friendless for the same amount of time, you stop being "the guy who just moved here" and start just being a weird loser. Once you fall into that hole, you can't crawl back out again.

Like, if it was just a matter of going on meetup or going to a bar alone once in a while, then great! Sign me the fuck up! But I can't stop what happens to me when I do that. My heart races, my mind goes blank, my clothes feel too tight, and all I can think about is how I would literally rather be anywhere else in the world. I mean hell, just trying new things BY MYSELF sends me into an anxiety attack. Literally even thinking about maybe watching a new show, learning a new song on guitar, anything like that makes me feel physical pain from the anxiety. I'm sick of the constant judgment, I'd rather just be alone.

I'd love to be wrong about this, and a small part of me still has hope, which is why I keep trying. But really, I think I am honestly too fucked up at this point.

 

[Bruce]

Preface: I'm not gay. I have nothing against it/you. I'm alone anyway.

No! You're not fucked up. You're just.. different, honest. You're looking for meaningful.

But there is no meaningful. All those people that you see around you, in groups, spending time together.. those people are acting, paying for group membership. Once they run out of money you know what will happen to them?

Loneliness.

So the difference between you and them is, as I said before, honesty. You're honest with yourself.

You're aware of all this. Of all this meaningless. This is why you're sad. Not because you're alone, but because you know that there is no alternative.

Did I get it right?

:sigh: I wish I could meet you or people like you in real life.