Venting almost cried at work for a stupid reason // embarrassed about failed attempts

[mordumfan]

Basically I have a casual job, I work at a pub where I make side dishes, do the dishes, clean, serve food and all of that stuff. Yesterday we were severely understaffed so my boss was pissed. My boss yelled at me because I didn't understand what she meant when she told me to do something.. and I could feel myself tearing up, this always happens. As soon as someone raises their voice I immediately go into panic mode, I think it's because when I was a lot younger, my dad would scream back and fourth to my grandma and auntie, then at me. I really think there's something wrong with me.

Last week, I failed to CTB AGAIN!! after two weeks, and it was because I didn't want to walk to the forest, its such a pathetic reason it just makes me want to ctb even more... It's like life has its ways of preventing me from succeeding. I just wish I could go back to when I was younger, playing on the xbox 360 with my brother. Back then I didn't have to worry about anything, not my looks, not my health, not anything at all. I'm hoping I'll be able to go through with it this weekend, Maybe I'll take a nap before I do it to prevent sleepiness. but somehow I always end up losing.

 

[emptylost]

I feel you on this. I am in the same boat. On Saturday night I sat in my car from midnight to 8:30am in the morning preparing to ctb. I took a few naps because I was tired, smoked a whole pack of cigarettes and then spent over 30 minutes with a shotgun in my mouth, but just couldn't pull the trigger. It really fucked me up. Really scared that I am not going to be able to pull the trigger. I have gotten rid of everything, like my bank account, phone number (I threw out my SIM card that night) I am out of money, and this just needs to happen. I am out of time. I just had to take a couple days to regroup and I will try again.

I just want you to know that I can really relate. I just want to die.