Venting All roads lead back to exhaustion

[february in alaska]

Doesn't matter if I actually start planning for the future, whether I'm thinking about "all the great things" I have left to do, if I'm looking at all my mental issues, the responsibilities I have or will have, the good, the bad, the pros and cons, the potential relationships, the grief, the timing. None of it matters. I've had people try to talk me through a solution for all my problems, and the thing is, even if I had a straightforward solution, even if I had a way out of this and I had a path to a fulfilling and relatively happy life, it doesn't matter. I'm tired. I'm just tired. That's all I am anymore

I'm too tired to properly plan my CTB, honestly. Too tired to properly look for the right spot, too tired to write down all my final words and goodbyes and all the things I want to say. Too tired to spend my last days doing things I enjoy and making the most out of them. Too tired to worry about how this will impact my family. Too tired for all of it. I'm tired. I can't do this. I'm tired. I'm tired. I'm tired. I'm tired. I'm tired.

It feels like I've been awake for twenty one years and all I want to do is sleep. Like those horror stories of people who lose their mind after going too long without sleeping. Or like zombie apocalypse movies, which seems to be the only situation where the rest of the world will agree that death is the ethical and merciful option. Like putting down a rabid dog.

Feel like I'm moving in slow motion these days, barely comprehending what people around me are saying, dragging myself through the motions, laying around like an object otherwise. Literally just taking up space, existing, wasting away. Mentally weigh the value of my life like I'm a judge on a reality TV show. Feel bad for anyone who had the misfortune of having me in their life, and then walllow in self pity the rest of the time. Is anyone even reading this? I feel like I haven't talked to someone else in so long.

It's hard. I can't talk to anyone about anything anymore without it feeling like an act. I can't talk about CTB, can't raise any red flags, can't make them suspicious, can't dump all my problems onto them. I spend my whole life pretending to be someone I don't feel like I am and then I come here and write some shit like this, because at the end of the day I literally just don't have anyone else to talk to

 

[Byebyemap]

I understand the feeling. So hard to just do anything at all. Your writing seems very good to me, how long did that take you? For me I feel so slow I can barely seem to think at all sometimes / decide what words to choose. Can we choose our thoughts?

Anyway, it's painfully hard to exist, move and make decisions when one seems to exist as an observer trapped in an unfeeling, supertired slow-mo zombie…

 

[Heem wasnt there]

I feel exactly the same. Everything seems just like too much. I also feel like everything I saw, in person, online, is just a shout into the void, like who really is reading this? Regardless, I wish you the best in whatever happens next.

 

[BlazingBob]

I can certainly relate to the exhaustion. I have multiple sleep disorders and likely me/cfs. I have nothing going on in my life. No job, no social life, no love life, no family. I'll be spending the holidays alone in bed, which is where I spend 16 to 20 hours a day. I just can't get decent sleep or any sleep at all and it's a living hell. I live in someone else's house and take care of dogs. I've asked the owner to find a replacement so I can finally end this nightmare and misery. Unfortunately I don't even have the energy to plan my ctb. I'll probably buy a shotgun. Or CO poisoning in my car. I'm sick and very much alone.

 

[kaitekat23]

THIS! you took the words right out of my mouth, I mean. word for word almost. I'm too tired to plan, too tired to give it my all the last few days, too tired period. It's gut wrenching that so many people feel this way

 

[FuneralCry]

It's really understandable just wishing to sleep, in fact all that comforts me is the thought of sleeping eternally, I find it so dreadful how there isn't the option to just fall into an dreamless, eternal sleep.

 

[nopointinlivingg]

I feel like I could have written this myself. Especially the part about being too tired to plan my exit. Sometimes I get a modicum of motivation and start researching methods, but then realize all the work that goes into the most reliable of them and become completely overwhelmed. Usually results in nothing more than dissociation or another long bout of sleep. I'm trapped in a cage that I can't decide if I built myself.

 

[Kit1]

May I ask - have you ever been diagnosed with Chronic Fatigue Syndrome (CFS), ME or anything similar? When I have really bad days of CFS or a relapse, what you have described is exactly how I feel - and I have met wothe with similar conditions who have said something similar. With these conditions coupled with mental health challenges, neurodivergence etc - we can easily end up in a void.

Just wondering whether it is worth you speaking to the doctors if you haven't done so. Apologies if I am overstepping my mark here - it is just that there might be a reason with possible solutions (though no permanent cure)..,

I hope everything works out for you. Take care.

 

[ijustwishtodie]

I relate to all of this. I don't even try yet I'm exhausted. I can't be productive no matter what I do as I'm always so tired.. but I don't even do anything that makes me tired to begin with. I'm just naturally tired. Life certainly isn't for me and I'd rather die than work through my problems and whatever

 

[reiII]

It feels like I've been awake for twenty one years and all I want to do is sleep. Like those horror stories of people who lose their mind after going too long without sleeping. Or like zombie apocalypse movies, which seems to be the only situation where the rest of the world will agree that death is the ethical and merciful option. Like putting down a rabid dog.

this is incredibly well written. i feel this. i think there's a future with me in it, but im just too worn out at this point. tired.

 

[february in alaska]

I can certainly relate to the exhaustion. I have multiple sleep disorders and likely me/cfs. I have nothing going on in my life. No job, no social life, no love life, no family. I'll be spending the holidays alone in bed, which is where I spend 16 to 20 hours a day. I just can't get decent sleep or any sleep at all and it's a living hell. I live in someone else's house and take care of dogs. I've asked the owner to find a replacement so I can finally end this nightmare and misery. Unfortunately I don't even have the energy to plan my ctb. I'll probably buy a shotgun. Or CO poisoning in my car. I'm sick and very much alone.

I'm so sorry. That sounds awful. Regardless of what path you take I hope you're able to rest at the end of it. One of my biggest frustrations with life is that even when you give up, that doesn't mean it's over. I wish things were easier. Best of luck to you, seriously

May I ask - have you ever been diagnosed with Chronic Fatigue Syndrome (CFS), ME or anything similar? When I have really bad days of CFS or a relapse, what you have described is exactly how I feel - and I have met wothe with similar conditions who have said something similar. With these conditions coupled with mental health challenges, neurodivergence etc - we can easily end up in a void.

Just wondering whether it is worth you speaking to the doctors if you haven't done so. Apologies if I am overstepping my mark here - it is just that there might be a reason with possible solutions (though no permanent cure)..,

I hope everything works out for you. Take care.

No, I actually appreciate it, thank you. I honestly wasn't even aware that was a proper thing, but I'll look into it more when I can. I do feel very, very under diagnosed in a lot of ways, but it's such a difficult balance of being honest with psychiatrists and also not getting institutionalized or raising major alarms. I think I'm past the point of reaching out or getting help anyway, but I genuinely do appreciate you saying that <3 I wish I was in a place to make better use of it