Venting Aging like milk at 19 years old

[prettyclam]

Seeing myself age this badly makes me want to ctb quickly. I can't imagine how disgusting I'll look at 20 or 30.

People say ages 18-25 are our prime but that's not true. After puberty I look like a corpse. My skin lost its elasticity, smoothness, and life. My body is skinny but fat in all the wrong places. My face is round like the moon and I have no jawline. My big yet flat nose doubles the damage along with my saggy eyes. The "black dont crack asian dont raisin" myth is a lie. I'm both and am actively rotting.

Depression really does age you. It makes me envious of other young adults whose stress comes from choosing which beach to visit. All my life I've stressed over my home and parents. No wonder our appearances are so different. This is the toll that bad mental health takes. Maybe if I were normal I'd look like them. I'm not though, which is why I look 40 at 19.

When my girlfriend takes pictures of us, I want to die. I'm so blatantly ugly beside her. She says I look fine but my smile lines disagree. My wrinkles disagree. Deep inside she disagrees. Everyone points out my white hairs as if I don't see them. I notice every detail. I see my acne and saggy chest and hyperpigmentation. Reminders aren't needed.

Other 19 year olds go to the pool in their bikinis, or to the club in mini skirts. I wear neither of those because I have the body of a woman whose given birth to three kids. Not to mention my back is covered in acne scars from a random breakout I had years ago. Instead, I dress like an old lady since it's the only style that covers me.

Rapid aging makes me extremely insecure. Sometimes I have breakdowns because I can't find an outfit that hides my ugliness. I wish I could die before this gets worse, and it only will as I enter my 20s. I'll be a zombie by my next birthday. I can't stand my reflection. Someone please kill me

 

[avalokitesvara]

I'm sorry you feel like this, it really hurts so much and what's worse is people think you're just expressing vanity, when really it's this deep deep self-loathing. It's especially hard when you feel your partner is better looking than you, and you really cannot believe they can think you are beautiful. It sucks.

I think you might want to consider if you could have body dysmorphia. The utter venom with which you describe yourself and your focus on specific features suggests this to me. I think body dysmorphia is maybe treatable. You could look into it.

 

[prettyclam]

I'm sorry you feel like this, it really hurts so much and what's worse is people think you're just expressing vanity, when really it's this deep deep self-loathing. It's especially hard when you feel your partner is better looking than you, and you really cannot believe they can think you are beautiful. It sucks.

I think you might want to consider if you could have body dysmorphia. The utter venom with which you describe yourself and your focus on specific features suggests this to me. I think body dysmorphia is maybe treatable. You could look into it.

Looking into body dysmorphia might be a good idea. Nobody has told me that I'm ugly to my face. It could be my depressed brain trying to make itself more miserable. All these mental illnesses are such a pain. It's degrading my relationship fast