Let me just preface by saying this is not my account it belonged to my brother. You might have remembered him, he made a goodbye post a month or so ago. I am not here to bash the community because I feel that people should have the right to choose when they want to ctb. I have been suicidal my entire life and I used to talk to my brother about it all the time. He was the one person who I could speak to much like I would speak to anyone here - without judgement. It is comforting knowing he wasn't alone during his final moments, he had this community. To keep this short I have been planning to ctb ever since I lost him. I have everything I need - SN, two types of benzos, one for euphoria and and one that will knock me out very quickly, and domperidone. I really had my heart set on tomorrow night and I still do but I could not decide on location. I might just do it in the basement and hope no one hears me but the voice in my head is telling me to just get a motel. I really really want to do it tomorrow night - I have had this date picked out for two weeks now and have mentally prepared myself. One question I wanted to ask the community is in regard to the PPH protocol. It mentioned to take a dose of oxazepam thats equivilent to 10mg of clonazepam. If one has no tolerance this is a blackout dose. Is the whole point to take it and immediately pass out? Other resources make it seem like it's just to take the edge off but like i mentioned this is a blackout dose for people with no tolerance. Lastly I really hope I am not breaking any rules as this is not my account but I find comfort that we both used it to our final minutes, and having people to talk to would be really helpful - although I'll likely be very barred out going into it. If the administrators do not allow this then I am sorry - go ahead to delete my account.
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Flores de Abril
Member
- Mar 8, 2023
- 27
I know this may lay on deaf ears but I think you might want to reconsider doing
For what you stated you seem to be seffering, a lot, from your brother's loss.. As someone who also lost someone dear recently and have been dealing with suicidal thoughts since my early teens I say that grief is something that can really fog our minds, I am not invalidating your feelings or your choices since as this forum states it is your choice at the end of the day
But with the knowledge that grief is haunting your mind right now ask yourself if that is actually what you want or if it is the pain that is pushing you over this edge
I am sorry for your brother's passing.. even if it was what he wanted, I don't think that it was his wish for you to follow him on this path
Think about it, please
If you need to talk to someone feel free to send a message
For what you stated you seem to be seffering, a lot, from your brother's loss.. As someone who also lost someone dear recently and have been dealing with suicidal thoughts since my early teens I say that grief is something that can really fog our minds, I am not invalidating your feelings or your choices since as this forum states it is your choice at the end of the day
But with the knowledge that grief is haunting your mind right now ask yourself if that is actually what you want or if it is the pain that is pushing you over this edge
I am sorry for your brother's passing.. even if it was what he wanted, I don't think that it was his wish for you to follow him on this path
Think about it, please
If you need to talk to someone feel free to send a message
Hi Abril. I appreciate your concern but I promise you that I am not acting on impulse due to his passing. This has been a long time coming and I am positive that this is the road I want to take. I do not see things getting better for me. Again I really appreciate your concern.
Flores de Abril
Member
- Mar 8, 2023
- 27
I am really sad to hear that... This fellings, grief and loss, can really make us feel.. useless, even guilty of some sort
My mom used to tell me at night when I was young and bullied in school that "the sun will always rise again in the morning", things can actually get better, pain will not completely disappear but you can learn how to live with it, not reject it but accept it as a part of your mind
I promise you that life despite all is worth living
My mom used to tell me at night when I was young and bullied in school that "the sun will always rise again in the morning", things can actually get better, pain will not completely disappear but you can learn how to live with it, not reject it but accept it as a part of your mind
I promise you that life despite all is worth living
Zegers
Enlightened
- Dec 15, 2021
- 1,758
Oxazepam is suggested as benzo but if you don't have it you can take another, I will take lorazepam which is what i usually take.
May we find wellness
May we find wellness
You are right and I am still grieving but I have mental health issues that I have never been able to resolve. As sad as it might sound ever since I decided that I would ctb soon my mood has improved drastically. I am actually excited that there is an end to this insanity and madness. Life is a bad dream we have built a society that depends on the destruction of our environment to thrive - like a disease. Thanks for reaching out but I have made my choice.
Yes I am fortunate enough to have a few options here. I was just wondering if the plan is to knock yourself out with them because the suggested dose of oxazepam will definitely do this if you have no benzo tolerance. It is equivalent to 10mg of clonazepam.Oxazepam is suggested as benzo but if you don't have it you can take another, I will take lorazepam which is what i usually take.
May we find wellness
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Zegers
Enlightened
- Dec 15, 2021
- 1,758
Flores de Abril
Member
- Mar 8, 2023
- 27
Thinking about dying may feel like a relief, but actually dying is much much worse
It is the end of it all (as far as we know it) once you do it it will be forever gone, no more petting dogs, no more watching the sky, the rain, the leafs falling, talking with the people dearest to you. As far as we know we only have this brief moment at the sunlight.
It can be hard, it can be hurtfull, but it can also have those little joys, awes and laughs, that's why we keep hope, humanities biggest gift and curse, and this is what fuels us to change the life around us
But if you still desire to continue then I can only wish you the best of luck, and that you may find that there is more than the void afterwards
I hope you will be alright
It is the end of it all (as far as we know it) once you do it it will be forever gone, no more petting dogs, no more watching the sky, the rain, the leafs falling, talking with the people dearest to you. As far as we know we only have this brief moment at the sunlight.
It can be hard, it can be hurtfull, but it can also have those little joys, awes and laughs, that's why we keep hope, humanities biggest gift and curse, and this is what fuels us to change the life around us
But if you still desire to continue then I can only wish you the best of luck, and that you may find that there is more than the void afterwards
I hope you will be alright
Have you ever taken a large dose of psychedelics such as psilocybin mushrooms or LSD in a dark room by yourself with no external stimuli? I have and I like to think this is what happens when you die. Your vision fades slowly and you lose all sense of life, earth, your memories, and all existence. As this happens and you let go you feel the most overwhelming sense of peace. I floated through the cosmos interacting with the souls of everything that has ever lived entirely through thoughts and without words. It might sound crazy but why is it that many others have similar experiences? These experiences are the main reason why I do not fear death. I am going to have to face death one day in the not so far future if I didn't decide to end my journey early and since I truly do not think things will get better I see no reason to prolong my suffering. I am glad you reached out though - and I thank you for that.
Zegers
Enlightened
- Dec 15, 2021
- 1,758
Thats why we feel relieved.
This was with microdose? I was thinking of taking it, how much of it would you suggest?
No this was with what they call a "heroic dose". To achieve "ego death" you have to take a substantial amount. I took 6 grams of dried mushrooms the first time I broke through. I should warn you though that the first time can be extremely anxiety inducing and you should definitely work your way up to it over time. You literally feel like you are dying and a lot of people try and fight this feeling which is a recipe for disaster. The key is to be in a familiar place and to let it take you away and accept it. It would be wise to have someone in a different room if you choose to do this. What is very interesting is that they have started to use this on people with terminal illness to help them cope with death.
Octavia
“I’d… rather kill myself.”
- Mar 4, 2023
- 363
It must be a particularly awful kind of suffering if it is resulting in the deaths of two siblings within a short span of time… I hope that things would be peaceful for you.
FuneralCry
Just wanting some peace
- Sep 24, 2020
- 43,437
It makes me hate life even more and increases my disgust for this world when I read things like "things get better and life is worth living". The only thing that appeals to me is the thought of leaving this life behind and I also find relief and comfort in the thought of being gone from this horrific world, I hope that you find the freedom that you are searching for.
Two suicides in quick succession will be very tough on your family. But I understand your pain, I too lost someone very dear to me & want to check out because life is meaningless without them.
Yes, I did think about this. Call me selfish but the way I see it my suffering will last 40+ years (until I pass) if I do not do anything about it while there is a good chance they will start to get better much sooner than that. My family has dealt with other loved ones passing years ago and they are fully recovered for the most part. Of course my brother is gone now too but I still imagine they will be fine in a shorter time.
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I agree with this.
People like to preach to the suicidal about things getting better and bouncing back... Well, I like to apply that rationale to the ones left behind.
They'll recover. Their bad days won't last forever and all that jazz.
If that sounds harsh - imagine how it sounds when getting on a soap box and "ministering" to the ones who are ready to go.
We're told the exact same things. So...
Shy_Shay
The drawing is a memory, a good one.
- Feb 27, 2023
- 40
When good old friends are going away
Will you wish them to remember your name?
Will you promise your heart remains the same
Never can we suspend the time
Having to leave the tracks behind
... De Capo
These feels lines made me cry may they make you remember of those left behind
for they have to say good bye :)
Will you wish them to remember your name?
Will you promise your heart remains the same
Never can we suspend the time
Having to leave the tracks behind
... De Capo
These feels lines made me cry may they make you remember of those left behind
for they have to say good bye :)
Yes because clearly life is not worth living for me or else I wouldnt be desiring death and clearly things have not gotten better for me either.
Love this thanks for shring. If I had ntaken so many benzos already I might have got a bit emotions but I feel numb.
I believe the massive dose of benzos recommended by the PPH is to make loss of consciousness faster so you avoid feeling the worst of the SN symptoms. They're trying to make the whole experience more like taking N.
That's what I was thinking and in that case I might just take a huge dose of flub and call it a night. Of course it had to snow today so my only option is to do it in the basement while other people are sleeping or postpone but I really had my heart set on tonight. I haven't ate all day and I spent the entire day barred out, being found would really suck. Decisions decisions.
